#jinkies...........

Penny felt the words as if they delivered a physical strike, slicing through the air and embedding themselves somewhere between her ribs like a fatal wound. She hated her own sharp inhale, the way the oxygen trapped itself in her lungs—expanding, expanding, then staying there, like she was afraid to allow her body to make another sound. She had spent so many moments in her childhood trying to remain as quiet as possible when she was with her mom, trying not to be underfoot or too much work. Because maybe if she lowered her voice as soon as she stepped through the door, made herself smaller than she ever wanted to be, she wouldn’t be a burden. She’d be worth having around.

‘Maybe—’ she cut the thought before it could complete itself. She had run circles around that line of consciousness a million times and it had never done her any good, only serving  to give her a dull, constant pain of a headache and a twinge in her chest. And she had grown sick of that feeling somewhere between sixteen and seventeen; she had grown sick of trying so hard for nothing, for something that should’ve been a given. Penny had dedicated her life since then to be as loud and demanding as she wanted, because there were things she deserved. She swallowed as she looked at her mom, her eyes always catching her attention first because they were the same as Penny’s own; the identical hazel staring back at her was nearly as jarring as her mother’s words. After a split second, she finally exhaled.

“You know, I worked… I worked really, stupidly hard. All I’ve ever done is work my ass off to get away from here, to get away from— this bullshit and actually do something with myself,” Penny started, her words a little stilted. It was infuriating, how young she must have sounded. “And you never even noticed. I wanted so badly for you to notice. Like, even just once.” As she spoke, she felt like something was rattling in her against her sternum, leaving her shaky and a little lightheaded. “But lo and freakin’ behold, this is what you decide to deliver your classic shitty commentary on, so— whatever, okay? I actually did something. Like, I tried for something and I’m still going to try, so you don’t get to tell me I’m the disgrace.”