ended up venting more that i was gonna originally under the cut....
i often wish i wasnt traumatized but at the same time i realize that theres a lot about myself that has been so severely shaped by my trauma that without it i would’ve been radically different. like..... my reality would probably be a lot different. would that version of me be happier? more successful? would i still have found amaris even if i hadnt been through all that? would my morals be different?
and even if i hadnt experienced trauma like that, i would still have the inherent experience of being indigenous and some flavour of lgbt and poor. would a completely untraumatized version of myself be cishet, white, and rich since these experiences are often inherently traumatizing?
i suppose, what i truly want is to just be recovered. to become less sensitive to things. to not feel the constant need to curl up and cry. to have at least a week go by where i dont feel useless and like i dont belong. i want to be happy and love with all my heart, unguarded and undaunted by what happened and what will happen. i want to look forward to waking up to another day. i want to have goals and imagine myself in five years time exactly where i want to be.
its really hard. especially since i took all this with me to adulthood with no help, and instead internalized it over and over until it all blew up. i want to be better. i wish i was brave enough when i was younger. brave enough to get up and ask for help. to be fair, i had been held back by adults who insisted there was nothing wrong and that help was detrimental. but now, i know they were wrong.
but i cant go back and change things. and i do want to get better. but when youve been this way for so long, changing it seems so scary and foreign. i remember back when merely being hugged or touched felt scary and unnatural, but now i crave it so much. in a way, i guess starting is just a large and daunting step. and at first all the steps seems like climbing another mountain... but in the end it’ll feel like you’ve just took a walk down the street.
