#jhopeff

You stop on the door. In front of you you picture yourself, sitting on the bench and your eyes glued on him. He looks so healthy, you wonder how did it happen. The way he smiles at you through the mirror makes the you of your memory feel butterflies, and it’s the same for the you of now. You loved him so much. His cheeks are reddish because of the movements, sweat on his forehead and on the back of his neck, you can smell it. It’s like having him really in front of you. The sound of the music, the one that represented his end. It makes you freeze, stuck in place. The couple in love, right in front of you, is not ready for what’s going to happen in just a few weeks. You are not ready.

Hoseok looks beautiful as always, though, and that’s enough. His smile makes you push aside the cold feeling of anxiety, just for a few seconds, as long as you still have him in front of you. It makes you feel better again, as if you are really looking at him. As if he’s right in front of you, your safe space, your home. He dances and dances, passion guiding him through every note and every step, his expression focused and his movements confident. You fall in love with him all over again, just like the first time.

The walls beside you vanish away like sand transported by the wind, your hand immediately moving from the corner that a second later becomes the side of a building. The air is fresh, not too cold but not even too hot, just the perfect weather. The sky is limpid, white clouds painted over it as if an artist spent incredible time on every single detail. You take a deep breath, and a second later, someone bumps into you, making you lower your gaze from the sky. Hoseok stands in front of you, looking into your eyes and making yours tear up. But he doesn’t seem to notice.

«Oh, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?» his voice. Gosh, how much you missed his voice. Some nights, you swear you can hear him right beside you, singing you to sleep just like he used to do.

A warm tear falls on your cheek, leaving behind just a path of pain, sufferance and agony. Leaving behind every day without him.

«Why did it happen?» you whisper, your voice shaking as you keep your eyes in his. He doesn’t seem to understand that either, though.

«Are you sure?» he asks, s if you just answered him with a “No, don’t worry” just like you did when you first met him.

Your tears can’t hold back anymore, and the need of feeling his warm embrace is unstoppable at this point. You need his arms, his warmth, his voice reassuring you and telling you that it will be fine. You step forward, hiding your face in his chest as you breathe in his scent for one more time. You want him back, desperately. Days without him are meaningless, a life without him is meaningless. It’s like and endless winter, like an endless sleep. Paralyzed in what should feel like life, without really living it. Your arms wrap around him, holding him tight. You already know what is next words are, as if he’s making fun of you. “Can I offer you a coffee? I don’t have time now though, maybe tomorrow? I’m running late and-“

«You should move on»

Warm arms wrap around you, holding you tight and against his chest, his breath in your ear and his hands massaging your back, just like he used to do. Your breath stops coming out, lost in the situation and not really understanding what is happening. Hoseok hugs you tighter though, as if to make sure you understand that this is really happening. However, his next words claim the opposite.

«This is not real» he whispers, stroking your hair as you raise your head to look at him. He is real, you can see him. You can feel him, his chest, his arms on you, his breath, you can hear his voice.

«You are» you murmur, finding it hard to speak as you’re still sobbing.

«I’m not» he whispers, his hand now reaching your cheek to softly caress it. «You have to move on» he says again. You hold him tighter, unable to let go. That’s when all around you stops looking like the first time, going back to the practice room. His body, though, is still warm and doesn’t vanish away from your arms. His hands are still stroking your back and your hair, softly calming your cry.

«I’m not here anymore» he speaks again.

«You are, I can feel you. Don’t go away again, please» you beg him, crying again. You can’t loose him again, not when you just have found him.

«I don’t want you to live like this» he whispers again.

«I want you to let go. Let go before it’s too late, leaving at the edge of reality it’s not healthy. I love you, but I need you to let go»

His hand comes under your chin, making you look at him for one more time. He dries your tears with his fingers and a second later, his lips are on yours. Soft and fleshy, just like you remember them, addicting and reassuring at the same time. His tongue touches yours and the way they start dancing, the passion, the feeling of finally tasting each other again makes you hold onto him even more. It doesn’t last long however, this time without even having the time to realize it, his body vanished just like the walls that are now beside you did before. And in a second, you can’t see him anymore.

You see the old Hoseok dancing though, but there isn’t an old you now. You take that place, the one on the bench where you used to watch him from. And suddenly, you feel a deep sense of anxiety in watching him dance, hearing those notes, recognizing those movements again.

You watch his expression carefully, repeating to yourself that this isn’t the right way, this is not how it happened. There was a crowd in front of him, people looking at him guided by the passion in his steps, you were in a theater. But it happens anyway. This time though, Hoseok doesn’t stop when it’s too late, falling on the ground without ever waking up again. He just stops dancing, looking at you deep into your eyes.

«You have to let go, my love» he lets out, breathing hardly and heavily. His hand on his chest and his body now laying on the ground. Your legs move faster than what you could ever think, getting beside his body as quickly as possible. You hand touches his cheek, gently. It’s cold, too cold.

«I’m sorry» you cry out loud, stroking his skin. He slowly shakes his head.

«It’s not your fault»

«I could’ve do-»

«Nothing would’ve changed. I just showed you» he whispers. It all makes more sense now as you look at him laying on the ground, the practice room you’re in.

«Let go, Y/N. I want you to live happily»

His eyes shut, slow and heavy, you can see them before they fully close that he can’t see anything already anymore.

And a second later, even him vanishes. The only thing that stays the same is the room you’re in, the same room.

The same emptiness as before. The same you without him. You realize that you’re not by the door anymore, you’re kneeling on the ground as you were really beside him just a few seconds ago. You get up, feeling too heavy to even analyze what really happened, you started to loose trying to understand the tricks that your brain plays on you just after a week from his death, too tired and destroyed to care.

You walk to the door, mind blank and body heavy. A strong wave of wind hits your back and makes you shiver, your hair falling in front of you face as your eyes widen when you realize that it’s so strong you don’t even touch the ground anymore. It raises you and guides you outside, the door shutting behind you with a dull and strong thud. And as it shuts, you hear his voice once more, this time being the last, those words caress your ears.