#jfaw

Sam hurried to Ryan's room. In fact, the only time he wasn't running was when he was in the elevator, jittery as hell for the lack of motion, but he knew he'd take longer if he ran up the stairs. He arrived before Ryan, even, and stopped there in front of the door, breathing in slowly as he leaned on the wall and looked down at his feet. He hadn't really liked today... which wasn't fair, because he'd liked last night so much, with Ryan asking him to homecoming, but when he'd had to leave him it hadn't gotten any better. Then he ruined it even worse for himself for going off to do the first fun thing presented to himself, and right now he couldn't remember himself in a worse mess since he got here. It was strange, though... not being the one to feel let down... not being the one jealous and wondering why he wasn't with the person he wanted. He hated that he had turned around and made Ryan have to feel something he had experienced one too many times, and he would try to make up for it now, if he possibly could.

Ryan had gone straight to Kitty's room once Sam headed off with Harrison and tried not to think about everything that had happened today so that he could get some sleep like everyone had suggested. It was only because of his sister and her comfortable bed that he was able to fall a sleep for a couple hours. Even while he slept though, he dreamed of Sam- of him having a great time with Harrison while he was being locked up in the dungeon, and the two of them laughing, kissing... It was only when his phone went off with notifications that he woke up, and was selfishly glad that Sam didn't say that he had a great time or anything. Everything seemed to fall apart when they'd talked and he just hoped that this didn't mean that everything was ruined. He didn't want to lose Sam, that was actually the opposite of what he wanted, but he also was really hurt today and wanted to just get this all sorted out so he had something- someone to look forward to while he was in the dungeon tonight.

Ryan told Kitty that he had to go talk to Sam before they headed down there, and agreed to meet up with her afterwards so they could go down together. Half running, he made his way through the building and to his door, heart racing as he rounded the corner. Seeing Sam there already, just caused his heart to continue to attempt to jump out of his chest as he caught his breath and walked over to him. Reaching Sam, he pulled him close to him, hugging him tightly as he found him at a loss for words.

Sam hearing someone come down the hall, he lifted his head, seeing Ryan coming toward him. Swallowing thickly, he stood up a little straighter, drawing in a breath and preparing to say something, anything, when Ryan came up to him and pulled him in, hugging him tightly. He felt a lump in his throat, cutting off any of his words, and wrapped his arms around Ryan, clutching onto him and turning his head to bury in his neck. He just held him for a few long moments, before feeling emotions and panic bubbling up. "You... you can't just.. say things like that... y-you like me and that's why we should hang out less?" He practically whined with his discontent, clutching at Ryan's back and resting his forehead against Ryan's shoulder. "I don't want you to go anywhere," He whispered, shaking his head. "I want to see you more, not.. not less...please... he's just-.. he's just my friend. You're not my friend..y-you're more than that.."

Ryan 's arms circled around his waist, holding him tightly in fear of losing him if he let go. He felt silly for the stinging feeling in his eyes as he thought about how close he was to losing him earlier. If Sam hadn't insisted on seeing him, or had just let him go when Ryan started pushing him away- they wouldn't be here, and he wouldn't have ever been able to hold him like this again. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, I just... It scares me how much I like you, and how much the thought of you liking someone else bothers me." He shook his head, "I'm not going anywhere... Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I- I don't want to lose you.. Ever." His voice was soft and uneven as his overwhelming emotions left a lump in his throat. "I believe you... I just g-got jealous that you were talking to him more, and all of that... I was scared that he was becoming more than a friend to you too... A-and you can tell me if he is, I'd rather know because... You're a lot more than just a friend to me."

Sam clenched his eyes shut as his heart squeezed painfully in his chest. "I don't want to lose you, either... I don't..." He sucked in a breath slowly and let it back out shakily. "I like you... so much.. he's just-" He trailed off and shook his head, nuzzled his face into Ryan's neck. "I never would have let you go down there without seeing you first.. not if I could help it... I care about you... and I don't want you to ever forget that, no matter who I might be talking to... you're special to me, Ryan... no one's ever.. treated me like you do... n-no one.. and you can't even know how much I appreciate it, love it.. everything you do..." He frowned, wanting to focus more on that then the question of anyone else, because that just made him squeamish, and he couldn't have Ryan say he wanted to see him less. Not ever again, if he could help it.

Ryan sighed, his chest tightening painfully. He knew he was probably being silly but, he couldn't help but notice that Sam wasn't elaborating about Harrison at all. As much as he didn't want to lose Sam, he just needed to know what exactly was going on before he let himself go on liking him more and more. Pulling away gently, he knew his doubt and pain was probably clear in his eyes as they met Sam's. "Why won't you talk about anything involving him... You just always avoid the subject. I-it's okay to like him to Sam but... I... I just need you to tell me." He bit his lip and looked down, taking a step back so he could try and think clearly, "I can't be in a love triangle though... I refuse... I've read too many books and seen too many movies with them. They never end well... And someone always get hurt." He hesitated before looking back up at Sam. "So please be honest with me... Do you have feelings for Harrison? As... More than just a friend?"

Sam disliked it when Ryan pulled away, wanting to pull him back and keep him there. His brow furrowed and he looked flustered, shaking his head as he looked at him. "Ryan, don't. I want you, I'm telling you I want you. I like everything about you. I'm not even exaggerating, there's nothing I've seen that I haven't liked.. I mean, I don't particularly like it when you're sad or hurt, and I like it even less when it's my fault but- that's why I don't want to see it anymore... I just.. I want to see you happy and I.. I want to be the reason you are... I don't want to lose you or this feeling." He frowned and knew he had to elaborate a little on the subject he didn't want to touch, leaning against the wall like it drained him that Ryan wanted to step back from him. "I.. like the idea of somethings he... represents... there are things that I.. would try.. if I didn't want to be with you... more than I cared about any of that... but you're not in a love triangle, okay..? You're not. He's definitely not going to try for me just like I'm not going to try for him, at all. You, though... you're the ideal..."

Ryan sighed, leaning against the wall beside him as he listened to Sam. He knew he was being honest, that he really did feel those things for him but that wasn't what he was worried about. It wasn't how Sam felt about him that he was worried about, it was how he felt about Harrison. He could hear the sound of his heart pounding in his ears as swallowed thickly. "So then it's a yes... You do have feelings for him. I know you don't want me to get mad, or to leave but... All I wanted was a straight answer. I wanted to know that despite any other factors- like me or if he liked you back... If you liked him. And I can tell that you do..." He blinked quickly a couple times, refusing to let the tears form that were threatening to begin pooling in his eyes. "I-It's fine if you do, Sam... But I'm not Hunter. I don't want to keep doing... Whatever this is that we're doing when I know that I'm the only thing holding you back from 'trying things with him'. I can't handle the idea that I'm giving you so much of myself while you're giving yourself to not only me but, him too." Despite his efforts, tears pooled in his eyes as he smiled sadly. "I'm glad that I could help you a little bit when you were having a rough time with Hunter... But, obviously, I'm not enough- and I don't mean that accusingly at all. Part of you wants Harrison as well as me and... I'm sorry, as much as I lo- like you... I'm not okay with that. So... Figure out how you feel for Harrison. And I hope he makes you happy because obviously... I'm not enough alone for you." He shook his head, his heart breaking, "I don't feel like that about anyone else because all I want- all I wanted was you... And now... I just want to be by myself for the list couple minutes before I have to go meet my sister. But.. Thank you... For clearing this up." He told Sam as a couple tears slipped down his cheeks and he walked to his door.

Sam felt like his brain was shutting down and his lungs and heart were sure to follow after. He wanted to throw up, not knowing how he could have found someone so perfect only to hurt them like he had been. "No," He whispered, shaking his head, his eyes getting wide as they filled up with tears, "Ryan, NO! I'm n-not giving myself to him! He d-doesn't have me! You have me! P-please, you're enough! I w-want you, h-how is that not enough! Ryan!" He grabbed his arm to try and stop him disappearing into his room, his heart hammering fast. He sounded choked up as he spoke, having to go against the lump in his throat. He blinked roughly to clear his vision and it made a few tears splatter down his cheek and fall to the floor somewhere, squeezing Ryan's arm. "I'm begging y-you, please, I don't need anyone else... p-please?" To emphasize his point in begging, he fell down to his knees with a thud, staring up at him with watery green eyes, his grip sliding down to Ryan's hand instead.

Ryan remained facing his door, unsure if he could remain strong when he heard Sam shouting and sounding so shaken- so desperate. He didn't know how to explain it to him, how to make him understand. "You keep doing that Sam! I know you seem to like me, and want me but you never deny that you like him too. No matter how much you like me, I know that you like him too! You're enough for me." He told him, his voice softening as he looked at him, his heart feeling like it was close to shattered as he felt Sam's hand on his arm and then in his hand. Ryan shook his head, "You're enough for me... God, you're more than enough. But I hate this... I hate how this makes me feel. I have no right to be jealous at the thought of you liking Harrison- but I am. And I don't know what you want from me, Sam. It's like, just because you don't go after someone or give yourself to someone- the fact that you want to- that you would like to, if it wasn't for me, is just as bad!" He pulled him up from his knees. "I just think that you should figure your feelings out for him before we get anymore into this... " Ryan told him

Sam shook his head, looking as desperate as he felt as he stared at him. "I'm only c-curious about him, it's nothing big, it's n-not like what I feel about you.. c-can't you be enough for me and I still be curious? I d-don't have to do anything about it. I don't even know that I would want to. How could I want to if it would hurt you and make you think you're not-.. enough? You're literally the.. the embodiment of so much I've been lacking, and wanting so badly, R-Ryan.. h-him? He's.. he's the equivalent of a bad habit. Bad l-life choice. Yet another dominant emotionally detached person that I go 'I wonder what happens if I do this? And this? Will this make a difference?' B-boys like him-.. they're.. narcotics, and you're.. I-I don't know... f-fucking.. air... " It was almost ironic that he had to gasp after he said that, for talking fast, desperate, the lump in his throat making it hard to take in much at once. He shook his head when Ryan pulled him up to his feet, his brow crumpling as more tears rolled down his cheeks. "I messed it up... I'm s-so sorry.. i-if t-time will make you feel better, I can-.. I c-can try to step back and-.. a-and show you I'm -" He couldn't even manage to say he was worth it this time. He just turned away from Ryan to cover his face, taking in stuttering, gasping breaths as it was hard to breathe.

Ryan hated this. This was probably the hardest thing that he'd ever had to do. "I don't know how to make you understand this, Sam... Things like what's going on between you and Harrison... They don't jut go away- you'll keep being curious, more and more, until you finally try things out with him and see what happens. No matter how happy I make you, you'll still wonder 'what if' in the back of your head with him. People who are on narcotics.. They need them more than air. I know you didn't mean that literally but... I just can't do this with you..." Ryan told him, his voice cracking as tears fell. It only broke his heart more to see how much this was hurting Sam but, he knew that this was the only way. Walking around to the front of him, he pulled Sam's hands down from his face gently. "You still haven't allowed yourself to get over Hunter either... And feelings don't die easily. I think... I just I really think, you need to be on your own for awhile and... Figure all of this out. Get over Hunter, figure all your stuff out about Harrison and then... I'll be waiting." Ryan told him, softly, hating every second of this but knowing this was probably best. He cupped his face gently, attempting to smile, "I want you Sam- because I think I'm falling in love with you... But I want all of you, no doubts, and no regrets... I'm willing to give you all of me but... You can't do the same when your heart isn't fully repaired yet. You're not losing me... We can still talk and, maybe even hang out but... I can't do this whatever it is anymore..." He was quiet for awhile, and then hesitated before leaning forward to kiss his cheek softly, lips lingering before he pulled away. "I really should go... I can't be late- or they might make me stay longer..."

Sam sobbed silently, being abused by his inner voice, telling him how stupid he was for screwing this up. That he must be so used to pain now he was actively looking for it and fucking himself up when things were going well. He shook his head roughly, realizing with a pain that he wished he had said Ryan was the narcotic, because it was himhe was addicted to, but he'd been trying to go for good vs bad and Ryan had twisted it around. 'I just can't do this with you,' broke into him, shattering his heart and he tried not to let Ryan take his hands away from his face. He was shaking at that point, eyes starting to get puffy and red as tears streamed from them. He mouthed, 'I don't,' to Ryan saying he needed to be on his own but he knew what Ryan was getting at and he knew it was unfair not to listen to him and take his words to heart. It sounded like Ryan needed him to do it before he could even believe how much Sam liked him. He tilted his head slightly and looked at him through blurry vision when he said he would be waiting, not sure if he believed that. He choked on a breath and stepped closer to Ryan when he cupped his face, whimpering slightly when Ryan said he thought he was falling in love with him, because he wanted him to say that to him under happy circumstances. "J-just... just don't-.. go anywhere," He whispered, struggling to get the words out. "I will fix myself for you... I will... I w-want to give you a-all of me." He ducked his head down after the cheek kiss and he nodded briefly at the words, not sure he could or wanted to speak more, since his throat hurt a lot.

Ryan hoped desperately that this would be for the best. He just wanted Sam to be happy, and he hoped that if he was on his own for a little bit- not having to worry about anyone else's happiness but his own, maybe he could figure out what he wanted and then really truly be happy. Of course it wasn't going to be easy though, and they'd have to figure out how to be just friends but, that was better than nothing at all. He bit his lip, shaking his head softly as he listened to Sam's soft words. "I promise... I being honest when I said I'd wait for you... As long as it takes." Ryan told him honestly, trying to keep his voice steady. "Don't think of it that way... I want you to fix yourself for you- but... I'd like that... To be able to have all of you." He told him before sighing tiredly. He knew it was probably getting close to time for him to meet Kitty and go down to the dungeon so reluctantly, he let his hands fall down from Sam. "I guess.. I'll talk to you later then... Goodnight, Sam." Ryan said softly, not knowing what else there was to be said. He looked at Sam for awhile longer before leaving to go to his room. Once the door was closed, he closed his eyes, and sunk down to the floor beside it as tears slipped down his cheeks. This had been a long, emotional day... And now he had a night in the dungeon to face.