#jerza angst

It’s been nearly a week since Jellal left Erza on that cliffside. He thinks about it now, and remembers his words to her, I may not come back. He laughs at the bitter irony of it all, clutching his bloody side. Because he really sees the truth in his words.

He most likely, isn’t coming home.

Strangely enough, he’s fine with that ultimatum. He’d expected something more dramatic, like he’d want to fight for his life, but right now, lying on the ground, Serena standing before him, he feels strangely at peace facing his imminent demise. He hardly even feels the pain in his body, despite the pools of blood forming under his torso. He weakly raises his head, and watches, numbly, as the blood pulses out of the hideous wound across his chest, but doesn’t flinch.

He hears Serena howl in victory, and his eyes shift to stare at the man that has bested him. There is hardly a mark on Serena’s body that would indicate their fight, but Jellal is too exhausted and too far gone to care anymore.

“Jellal Fernandes,” Serena calls out, in between hoots of laughter. The most powerful mage in Ishgar struts over to his wounded opponent, and comes to a crouch beside the fallen mage. “They said you were one of the best. Guess what. They lied.”

The man breaks out in more insidious peals of laughter, but Jellal can’t quite bring himself to care. He’s tired, so very tired, and wants nothing more that to close his eyes and sleep. But Serena doesn’t even give him that; he pulls Jellal up by his collar and places a couple blows to Jellal’s jaw.

Little explosions of pain dance across Jellal’s face. He grunts, because yes, he feels that, but he’s still too weak to fight back. He closes his eyes, praying that he’ll die soon so he doesn’t have to deal with this anymore.

Erza opens her window. There’s no balcony, just a twenty foot drop, but the height doesn’t bother her. She’s fallen from much steeper heights than this and survived, so twenty feet doesn’t faze her.

She’s leaving Magnolia, as fast as her feet can take her, to find Jellal. After waking up on the cliffside without Jellal, just Makarov standing over her, she’s felt nothing but pain and heartbreak upon his departure. Makarov’s told her the entire mission’s secrets to her, and now she’s angry.

She jumps, landing lightly on the balls of her feet. Without a word she takes off, her destination set in her mind’s eye. She knows where Jellal is, because, thanks to Makarov, Jellal’s got a little chip stuck to the inside of his cloak that can track his whereabouts. She snuck into Makarov’s office last night and tracked Jellal’s location to the border with Bosco. So that’s where she’s headed, because she needs to find Jellal.

Before it’s too late.

“I may not come back.”

His words tear a large wound in her heart. Now she knows why he left her on the cliff, why his words tormented and confused her so. It not because he was simply leaving, it’s because he’s trying to protect her and the guild, like he’s always tried to do. It’s his biggest virtue.

But it’s also his fatal flaw. His overwhelming desire to do good and protect everything he loves dear will be his downfall.

She closes her eyes, wincing, as waves of pain wash through her. It’s not physical pain that ails her, no, rather it’s the emotional pain of losing Jellal. That’s why she needs to find him, because she’s not whole when he’s gone, and neither is he. Only together are they whole.

“You’re off to find him, aren’t you?” A voice behind her says, and Erza whips around to meet the narrowed gaze of Gray, leaning up against the side of the building.

“You know?” she murmurs, not meeting his gaze.

He looks to the sky. “Yeah,” he says after a moment. “Overheard you and Gramps the other day. So that’s why he took off and left you here, huh?”

“Yes,” she whispers, finally looking at him and meeting his stormy blue eyes. “Are you here to stop me?”

He raises an incredulous eyebrow. “Nah,” he says. “You think I’m that desperate to get a beating?”

She feels the ghost of a smile touch her lips.

“But,” Gray continues, pushing off the side of the building. He strides over to her, until he stops right in front of her. He towers over her, making Erza realize how much taller he is. He’s almost Jellal’s height, probably a few inches shorter, but he’s still well over Erza’s height. “I will have to tell Makarov where you went. I came over because he wanted to see you, so I’m gonna have to tell him that you’ve gone.”

“That’s fine,” Erza says shrugging past Gray. “By the time Makarov gets a group together, I’ll be long gone.”

“Erza-” Gray begins, then stops when she pauses to look at him over her shoulder.

“What?” she asks, and the hard determination in her fierce brown eyes sends a chill racing up Gray’s spine.

He gulps. “Be...careful.” He whispers.

Her gaze softens, and she smiles before turning around. “I will,” she says, and waves farewell.

Gray watches her receding back, and clenches his fists.

“Bring him home.”

“Oi, oi,” Serena says, slapping Jellal forcefully across the face, forcing him to open his eyes blearily. He meets Serena’s gaze and doesn’t flinch from the hatred burning in those shallow eyes.

“You don’t get to sleep,” Serena hisses hoisting Jellal to his feet. “I choose when you get to close those pitiful eyes of yours. I get to choose how you die, and when you die, Fernandes!”

Jellal coughs weakly, and feels blood bubble up past his lips. “Serena,” he whispers. “Stop-”

“You,” Serena snarls, jamming his face close to Jellal’s. “Don’t tell me what to do. I own you, Fernandes! Your life is in my hands!”

Jellal gathers together the last of his strength, and spits bloody saliva in Serena’s face, making the other man’s eyes widen in fury. Jellal smiles, feeling more blood fill his mouth, and chuckles. “Then crush it,” he snarls, before slumping down.

He can feel the rage coursing through Serena’s body. The man is tense, and Jellal can see the burning animosity in the man’s eyes. He feels Serena’s grip tighten on the lapels of his destroyed shirt, feels the pain as the man slowly, painfully, torturously, tightens around Jellal’s throat.

“You little shit!” Serena screams, crushing one hand on Jellal’s throat, while the other lands blow after devastating blow to Jellal’s pained face. Blood gushes out of his mouth and chest, but Jellal is too weak to complain. He hangs there, helpless in Serena’s grip, until the pain drops and the man drops Jellal like a sack.

“Now, Fernandes,” Serena says, bending over Jellal’s ruined body. “You’re going to tell me everything you know about Fairy Tail, and Fiore, before you die. Spill it.” He stomps one boot on Jellal’s chest, and Jellal cries out, because yes he feels that and dear Mavis it hurts so much. He feels tears burn at the corner of his eyes, but he grits his teeth as Makarov’s- and his own- words come back to him.

“This is a cyanide pill... all you have to do it break it and the toxin will finish the job.”

“You can tell the Council this... I’ll be their dog and do their dirty work, but I won’t die on their terms. If it comes down to it, I’ll die on my own terms. You can be sure of that.”

He has one last card to play. It’s suicide, he knows, but he’d rather this than the Council’s way. He doesn’t trust the Council, hates them even, for what they did to him back when they had him imprisoned. He once tried to reason that they had some justification, after all, he did happen to destroy their predecessors, but he knows that the torture they inflicted on him was wrong.

So he’s determined to have nothing to do with the Council, at all. They controlled most aspects of his life, so he won’t let them control how he dies, nor Serena. He will determine how he dies.

He thinks of Erza, and how she looked in the seconds before he knocked her out, the fear and disbelief burning in her dark brown eyes. He regrets leaving her, leaving her on the cliff as well as leaving her in life, but this is for her own good. He’ll die protecting her, just like he’s always wished.

He’ll also die saving the world, potentially, which will hopefully clear him of all his past transgressions. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but it’s the last thing Jellal can do. He’ll lay all his cards on the table.

He raises a hand and presses it against Serena’s chest, already forming the words to the spell. Serena’s eyes narrow, but by the time he recognizes the magic Jellal’s already finished the spell. A giant purple magic circle appears on Serena’s body, at the same time, a smaller, more intricate circle appears above Jellal’s, right over his heart. He coughs blood, feeling the agonizing pain surging through Jellal’s body as the spell takes effect.

“What!” Serena screams, surging away from Jellal’s prone body. He staggers, dropping to one knee as the magic circle saps away his strength. “What have you done?”

Jellal raises his head weakly, a steady stream of blood dripping out of his mouth. “That’s a self destruction circle,” he gasps weakly. “I’ve set it to two minutes. Then it’s blasting us to hell.”

“But-” Serena yells, a bead of sweat forming on his brow. “You’ll’ kill yourself in the process!”

Jellal chuckles, but it comes out as a croak of pain as his body seizes from the magic circle. “Well, that’s the point,” he whispers dryly. “I never was going to come back from this mission.”

“That... That’s suicidal!” Serena screams, but drops to the ground as the pain overwhelms him. Jellal winces as agony takes over his senses.

Oh, well, he thinks, closing his eyes. This is my fate.

She’s nearing the Boscan border. Her legs are aching with all the running she’s done. The train could only take her so far, and Jellal’s location could only be reached by foot. It’s been nearly an hour, but she’s close, so very close to finding him.

A purple glow suddenly bursts through the trees, making her squint and skid to a stop. She gasps, feeling an intense magic pressure emanating from the trees before her, and she narrows her eyes. That must be where Jellal is, but...

This magic pressure feels strange to her. She’s felt something similar to this once before, when Nirvana...

Her eyes fly open as the realization hits her like a kick in the gut. She knows why this magic is so familiar. She’s only seen it at work once before in her life, back when Nirvana was active. And the only man who knew this type of magic (that was alive at least) was...

“No!” she screams, and takes off, heading straight for the purple light. She can feels tears pooling in her eyes, but she furiously pushes them back, at the same time, pushes her legs to make her go faster. She has to, she must-

She breaks through the tree line and immediately freezes, her eyes widening at the sight in front of her. There’s blood spattered everywhere, along the ground, on the trees, but centered around one limp man in particular.

Her eyes travel up his ruined body, past the soaked clothes, to the rent in his chest, to the limp blue hair and the blood spattered face with it’s recognizable tattoo. He’s still, so very still, and the skin not covered in blood is pallid. But the very worst part of it all, is, rising above his ruined chest, is a very familiar magic circle glowing a very eerie purple light.

She knows that magic circle. The knowledge fills her with dread, especially when she raises her gaze, past Jellal, to see a man from legend lying just beyond, a much larger magic circle over his body. The man is writhing in obvious pain and cursing, and Erza’s eyes wander over his lean body, landing on twin tails sticking out of his head. It’s Serena.

Her gaze flies back to the limp man lying in front of her when she sees movement. She rushes forward, landing hard on her knees beside him, as his eyes open and he moans in pain, thick streams of blood pouring out of his mouth. His eyes widens in recognition when he sees her above him, and his broken lips form her name.

“Jellal!” Erza gasps, reaching out a hand. He coughs raggedly, and raises a trembling hand, which Erza catches.

“You...” Jellal whispers, in between coughs. “You found out, I guess.”

“You idiot!” Erza breathes, tears dripping onto Jellal’s bloody hand. “How could you do that to me?”

He closes his eyes, wincing, as more waves of pain wash through him. “I know,” he gasps. His hand twitches. “I’m sorry it had to be that way.”

“Be quiet, don’t try to speak,” she gasps in between tears. “How you do deactivate-”

“Erza,” Jellal breathes, cutting her off. His breathing is labored and shallow; the combined effects of the wound on his chest as well as the magic circle are taking their tolls on Jellal. “Erza, love, I can’t do that.”

“Why not!” she screams, tears pouring down her cheeks. “Damnit, Jellal! You can’t die! I can’t-”

“You must,” he chokes out. He looks up at her, love and regret pooling in forest eyes. “Erza, love, do this for me.”

“Jellal,” she cries out, but suddenly, with the last bit of strength, he pushes her away, sending her flying backwards with a shout.

“Jellal!” she screams as she lands, immediately reaching out a hand to him. He smiles at her, and she sees his lips form words before the clearing is lit with a bright purple glow. She cries out again, seeing his form blotted out from the glow, and a single tear falls to the ground.

She’s forced to close her eyes as the glow surrounds her. She hears a roar of pain and fury from God Serena, feels a gale force wind whipping around her and tearing at her hair and clothes. It screams in her ears and makes it hard to even think properly.

After a moment, the typhoon-like winds and the bright glow die down. Erza keeps her eyes closed for a moment more, before she cautiously opens her eyes. When she looks over to Jellal, her heart stops, and the tears that she’d been trying to suppress once again fall down her cheeks.

God Serena is lying still, deathly pale. Not a mark mars his body, but she knows that the magic Jellal used on him destroyed the heart in his chest. He’ll not move again, not ever.

She looks over at Jellal, and to her surprise, he’s still alive, but barely. Where Serena is not marked, Jellal is a bloody mess, a giant pool of blood surrounding him. She gasps, getting to her feet unsteadily and stumbling over to him. His chest is rising and falling, hardly visible, as Erza falls to the ground and lifts his head onto her lap, not caring about the blood soaking her skirt.

“Er...” he tries to speak, but another wave of blood threatens to choke him, and he barely manages to turn his head in time for the blood to pool out.

“Please,” she whispers, bending down and brushing his bloody hair out of his eyes. “Don’t try and speak.”

“Erza...” he continues, raising a shaky hand, cupping her cheek. “I...I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head, sparkling tears falling onto his bloody cheeks. “What are you sorry for, idiot?” she asks. “Saving the world? Saving me? Idiot, there’s nothing to apologize for.”

“I didn’t.... want to leave you,” he breathes, his eyelids fluttering. “Forgive me, love.”

She smiles shakily at him and presses her hand against his. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

He smiles, his heart fluttering in his chest. “Er...za,” he gasps. “I love you.”

“Oh Jellal,” she gasps, bending down and pressing her forehead to his. “I love you, idiot!”

Little does she know those are his final words until his hand falls down from her cheek.

“Jellal?” she whispers, hesitantly, trembling. He doesn’t respond, and she raises her head, tears dripping down her cheeks, and looks upon his peaceful face, eyes closed as if he’s sleeping. But his chest isn’t rising and falling, and his skin is pale. Her mouth drops in a soundless cry of pain, and she runs her fingers over his tattoo as the tears stream down, falling like little droplets of glass. Her shoulders shake uncontrollably as she bends down, hugging his head, moaning in pain and heartbreak.

“Erza?” a voice says, a warm hand coming to rest on her shoulder. She whips around, and, for the second time today, meets the furrowed gaze of Gray, his eyes stormy, and full of shock. His mouth drops, and he stares in awe at the woman kneeling before him, tears streaming down bloody cheeks, eyes full of pain and sorrow, and in her lap, Jellal Fernandes.

She throws herself into his arms, sobbing and screaming. He wraps his arms around her, averting his gaze from the scene before him. All that matters is Erza, who is lying in a devastated heap in his arms, clutching his jacket and shuddering violently. He places a warm hand on the back of her head and presses her into him, placing a kiss in her hair.

Watching the scene is Makarov, surrounded by Laxus and Mira. Mira has her hands covering her mouth, her shoulders trembling, and Laxus is clenching his teeth, fists hidden under the sleeves of his coat. The veins popping in his neck and face however, speak of his inner turmoil, and he wordlessly reaches out and grabs Mira’s hand.

Makarov stares, wide-eyed, at the scene before him. Erza is crying incessantly into Gray’s jacket while covered in blood, and Gray sits there, whispering words of comfort into her ear. Makarov walks into the clearing, his eyes landing on Serena’s still body, before looking down at the man who’d been sent to his death.

Jellal looks peaceful, despite the hideous wounds on his body. Still, he’s got a smile on his face, even in death.

Makarov closes his eyes. I’m sorry, my boy, he thinks desperately. I shouldn’t have sent you.

He lowers his head and salutes his fallen fairy. You will not be forgotten.

And so, Makarov says farewell to the mage who gave up his life so others may live.

Erza shudders into Gray’s shoulder. She clutches Gray’s jacket as the tears run down her face, and refuses to open her eyes, because if she does, he’ll still be dead and gone. He’ll be lying there, in the puddle of blood, lifeless, and she’ll still be here, mourning him. So she keeps her eyes closed, because then she can believe that none of this is real, that he’s still alive and well.