#dc#dc comics#batman#bruce wayne#dick grayson#dc fanart#dc universe#tim drake#batfam#batfamily
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oh to not have lasting issues
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man i miss this fucking cat so bad. what the fuck. why did he have to go and die out of the blue like that man. this sucks
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i don’t want to say i have bpd bc it’s a very serious and media-oversimplified illness that has everyone self diagnosing these days but i just experienced what i think comes very close to the descriptions of splitting ive read about and it’s scaring me and i hate myself for it
i planned for my bsf and my bf and i to go get pho after my bsf and i’s computer science final this evening. i was so excited bc we were gonna finish, pick him up, and all go eat together and i love hanging out with them. but i pick my bsf up and she says she has to cancel bc she’s not feeling well. i immediately get defensive and start getting upset. like i can hear her sniffling and i know she’s not just lying to get out of it but i start getting angry but it’s manageable so we go and take our final. i text my bf that she’s not going but we can still go and he doesn’t answer. so i text him after i drop her off at home and i say something like ‘ig u don’t wanna come so im just gonna go home’ and then he says he’s not feeling well (he’s been home for a few days not feeling well) and this is where it REALLY hits me and im just overwhelmed by this feeling of intense anger and hurt over something stupid like going to dinner. it’s so overwhelming i start crying while im driving and i can hear the blood roaring in my ears. it’s a mix of pure anger and hurt and also guilt for feeling that way bc i want him to rest and feel better but i literally cannot push the feelings down. it feels like he’s wronged me in the worst most heinous way, and he meant for it to hurt. and suddenly i feel like i hate him even though i don’t. it’s like someone in my brain took the controls away entirely and now im just watching myself through my eyes
it’s like i’m stuck behind bars in my own head watching myself make unreasonable and irrational choices and feel unreasonable and irrational emotions. i literally can’t control it. it’s scary and i feel disgusting once i gain control again. this is completely new and ive never experienced this before with anyone, much less someone i love like my bf, which this happens so often with and i don’t know why and i fucking hate it bc he doesn’t deserve to be treated like that. i try so hard to fight the “””split””” but i can’t, it happens so suddenly and it’s so much emotion i can’t stop it i just have to wait until it’s over.
its existential personal future fears and oversharing on the internet with jake o'clock
the absolute mess of emotions when my bf and i were talking abt my student debt bc he feels pretty dead set on helping me with my debt in the future (makes me feel good, he doesnt want me to struggle alone, has a very "its us against the world" mindset when it comes to things like this) and slipped in a nonchalant "i want to have a family with you" into the conversation which i only really thought about later (makes me feel great, he wants me long term, he sees us building a family together, this makes me feel so happy)
however main issue is. i still dont know about kids. yes im only 21 yes i am still young yes i have time yes i dont need to worry about this now. and like. i know it my choice whether to have kids or not in the long run. but like its not like i dont want them its the deep rooted fear of the changes to my body during pregnancy that i KNOW are going to affect me mentally. its the fact that my mood is already unstable enough and i know its only gonna get worse. im so stressed about the money about my body about how theyll affect my relationship how theyll affect my mental health im terrified of PPD im terrified of turning into my mom im terrified of being a terrible parent. its stressing me out so much bc i keep telling myself that i'll feel better and feel more open to it and get mroe relaxed as i get older but what if i dont. i dont want to be wasting my or my boyfriends time if in 10 years i still dont feel comfotable having kids and i know that he does. its stressing me out for no reason to the point where i sometimes i hope i find out that im infertile or something even tho that wont solve my problems at all (despite the fact that my bf told me that he wouldnt leave me if i was infertile since we could always adopt but still i cant trust if he was just saying that or not)
