Wait, smokins bad fer me now?
So lemme get this straight, youngster. Smokin's bad fer me now?
Well cut my scalp and call me an Injun, feel like it was just yesterday that I was seein commercials on the telly with doctors tellin' me these here cigarettes will let me live to see a hundred, and now yer telling me that they're actually killin' me? I s'pose the sun doesn't revolve 'round the earth no more either, right? Ugh, gawddamn it!
Past 47 years my wife Abigail's been naggin' mah ears off. "Y'shouldn't drink so much o' that there whiskey, Jenkins! Why ya don't you go out fer a walk 'nstead of sittin' 'round all day, Jenkins?" Smokin' these goshdarn cigarettes was the only healthy choice I ever made, and now even that's workin' 'gainst me? I swear when Abby finds out 'bout this she's gonna have a field day.
How 'bout that there solar system? We still got nine o' them planets? What?! This's gotta be some kinda sick...just...what?!
Can someone please just tell me what the point of all this fancy new science is if the damn stuff can be wrong? And don't give me any of that "progress" mumbo jumbo. Don't tell me somethin' 'less you know fer sure it's right! Dangum it, in my day when I did a science project you best believe I hadda make damn sure my formulas and equations was correct or I would fail the 'ssignment and get mah ass beat by Mama when I got home. And here these fancy-pants scientists are with their lab coats makin' up stuff and no one don't tell them a damn word!
I can't believe this. I just can't believe this! I'll admit I had my doubts 'bout science when I found out that gravity was really just a theory that no one ain't proved wrong yet, but I always thought science would have to get their facts straight 'fore they let us put things inside our bodies! Jesus! Are they even sure water isn't helpin' put us six feet under? At this point it wouldn't s'prise me!
It's just...I dunno. I've really come to like cigarettes, y'know? I have myself a couple a day and it helps me relax. I'm old, retired - hell, my kids are almost retired. But it must be a habit or somethin' now, 'cause if I don't have one fer a few hours I gets a cravins fer one some'in fierce, I just can't shake it. Wait, what's that yer sayin' now? It's an addiction?! What in the hell's ”niggertine?" "Nickletine?" I thought these darn things only had tobacco in 'em!
Well, that's it. Can't take anymore bad news today, no sir. All that's left to do now is sit down here in this here armchair and have as many cigs as I can 'fore Abby comes home and finds out these damn things is bad for ya, too. I swear, before you know it they'll start sayin' the porno is bad fer me, too, mark my words. But I ain't never givin' that up. no sir.
