#jeffdrowned

There are three things you need to know before you read this.

One; hi, I'm Jeff. Nice to meet ya.

Two; I killed my parents three and a half years ago. I know that's a lot to dump on you immediately but it'll be important later.

And three….I'm...gay. There. I said it. I like guys. I'm attracted to men. I want to kiss guys. Or specifically- one guy. 

He has blonde hair, dark skin and bright blue eyes. And also pointed ears. He's a ghost, specifically one that's latched onto a Nintendo 3DS and a cartridge of Majora's Mask 3D. He looks like Link- but I'm not attracted to Link. Link is a twink and that's not my style. 

His name is Ben and Ben? Ben is a bro. He's my bro. He's everyone's bro- he has that natural charisma that makes everyone like him. He's friendly, polite, funny and laid-back. He's always down to hang out with you or invite you into his room to play videogames. Everyone likes Ben. But me? I love Ben. As in- love love him. I want to kiss his goofy face. His lips probably taste like cheetos and beef jerky. Gross. I hate how much I think about how his lips would taste. 

So now you're probably thinking "hey Jeff, why are you just vomiting your gay thoughts on me? Go tell him you love him."

But There's A Problem.

My parents- the dead ones- were really homophobic. Being gay just wasn't something you did. And it still feels wrong to me- which is weird considering the fact that my new adoptive parents are two gay men and my foster siblings are mostly homosexuals. But it still feels wrong. No matter how much I'm exposed to it I still feel that slight guilt whenever I catch myself admiring Ben while he trash talks someone, and I want to punch myself whenever I wake up from a dream about cuddling him. 

So that brings me to this situation. 

Picture this, okay? I'm sitting on his bed with a controller in my hand. We're playing smash bros and having a great time. I'm having...not a good day. You remember the dead parents thing? The trauma I mentioned? Yeah that's been haunting me all fucking day and I'm not feeling good. At all. And of course I'm not gonna tell anybody about it, because that means I have to address the problem. And I never, ever, address problems. Ever. They'll fester in me till the day I die. Like maggots.

That's gross I apologise.

But- yeah. I'm not feeling good and I'm hiding this fact from Ben because he cheers me up way better when he doesn't know I'm sad. 

"Hah! Gotcha!" 

"Shit-!" I swear as my character (king k rool, in case you wondering) flies off the stage. Ben laughs and woops beside me in victory. I shoot him a glare.

"Man you suck at this game." He laughs.

"I don't suck." I spit back. "You're just really good."

"Suuure you are." The smug look he gives me makes me wanna punch him. My hand curls into a fist in my lap. I grunt at him in response. He laughs and nudges me. "Hey it's alright Jeffy," I hate that nickname with the burning passion of a thousand suns. "You'll learn how to play soon enough."

"Lay off, man." I mutter back. I drop the controller and he snickers.

"Aww c'mon don't tell me you're rage quitting on me."

"Shut up dude just-" I shoot him an agitated look. "Just shut your stupid mouth okay?"

His smile drops. "Hey, you okay man?" Shit. He sounds worried.

"I'm fine." I grunt back. He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. "Get off."

The hand withdraws. I hear him shift on the bed next to me. "Hey, dude-" he frowns. "Are you feeling alright today? Do you- need to talk or chill or…?"

I glare at Ben. He's being nothing but supportive and kind and what am I doing? Being an ass. "No I don't need to fucking chill." I growl at him. "I'm fine, alright? Just fine."

"Alright…" it's quiet for a bit while Ben turns off the game. Eventually he speaks again. "You wanna watch a movie or something? I'm tired so…"

This is a trick. He's tricking me into taking care of my mental health. Fuck you Ben, I'll be as mentally ill as I want. 

‘’I’m gonna go to my room.’’ I stand up and immediately get YANKED back onto the bed by my hood. Ben’s noodle arms wrap around my waist and hold me tight. ‘’Dude-!’’ this is getting a little tOO HOMO-EROTIC, BENNY BOY.

‘’Stay.’’ he murmurs. ‘’I wanna keep an eye on you.’’

‘’Why?’’ I snarl. ‘’Because I’m a stupid kid that can’t look after himself?! Huh?!’’

Ben flinches. ‘’Jeff-’’ he murmurs. ‘’It’s not that I don’t trust you it’s because I know that you need the company right now.’’ he frowns. ‘’Just- lemme keep an eye on you, alright…?’’

Fuck.

Fuck.

fuuuuUUUUUCK.

Why does he CARE SO MUCH. I HATE IT. I’m gonna slam my head into a wall. Gimme a minute.

…

Okay wall slamming accomplished. Back to my predicament. 

‘’Fine.’’ I grunt. He (unfortunately) lets go of me. It’s silent. And uncomfortable. I pick at my fingers. He tilts his head at me.

‘’So- anything you wanna do?’’

I wanna hug you and kiss you and tell you I love you please Ben I’m gay and homophobic at the same time. ‘’Not really.’’

Ben puts a hand on my shoulder and scoots closer. He rests his hand on my other shoulder and...oh god I can fucking smell his hair from here- that’s creepy. Why am I creepy. Actually don’t answer that one. He looks up at me, bright blue eyes shining with kindness. ‘’You wanna talk about it…?’’ he asks gently. Normally I wouldn’t talk about my problems. Ever. But Ben is giving me puppy dog eyes.

‘’...I’m just thinking about mom and dad.’’ I mumble. He nods. ‘’They- treated me like shit. And I keep thinking about the shit they’d say to me-’’ I look down at him. He nods encouragingly. ‘’It’s like...they fucking hated me for all the shit I did- and now I’m here and people are understanding? And Slender- is actually trying to learn why I’m like this? Like- diagnosing me and shit to try and help…’’ I frown. ‘’And I’m just thinking like- if they’d sent me to a therapist would it be different? If I’d just gotten diagnosed or something-’’ I shake my head. ‘’I dunno man…’’

He sits up a bit. He hugs me, pulling me against him. My face goes fucking red. ‘’Maybe things would’ve…’’ he murmurs. ‘’But we can’t change the past...there’s no magic ocarina to take us back in time unfortunately.’’ of course he made a zelda reference. Of course. ‘’We just gotta accept what we got now,’’ he smiles. ‘’And we got each other, right? That’s something to be happy about, isn’t it?’’

Oh god Jeff don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Not here. Not in front of the man you love. 

…

And you’re crying. Good job Jeff.

I’m not a loud crier. But I am a gross crier. I get all snotty and stuttery and can’t get my voice out properly. Tears prick at the corners of my eyes and silently roll down my gross scarred face. Ben reaches over and brushes them off with cold fingers. He feels cold as he hugs me but I don’t care. I wrap an arm around him and tug him closer. I can feel his breath on my neck as he gently shushes me. He sounds so caring, so...loving. Like a parent should treat their mentally ill kid. 

‘’B-ben-’’ I stammer out. He’s rubbing circles in my back. ‘’I lo-’’ wait what am I saying. ‘’I l-love-’’ WAIT HOLD ON- ‘’I love you…’’

SHIT

FUCK

NO

WAIT-

He hugs me tight and I shiver in the coldness of his body. ‘’I love you too…’’ his voice is soft and gentle. I believe him. I believe that he loves me. Genuinely- like I actually matter to him. He’d miss me if I was gone. And that- that’s a lot. I’ve spent my whole life feeling like it wouldn’t matter if I disappeared off the face of the earth. You wouldn’t care, my parents wouldn’t have cared. But Ben? Ben cares…

Which is why I proceed to squeeze the life (or lack thereof) out of him and sob into his shoulder. He holds me tight until I’ve (kinda) calmed down. He pulls away and tilts my head up to look at him. As gentle and as loving as I’d dreamed him, he wipes tears out of my eyes. I sob horsley and stare at him. He cups my face in his cold hands and smiles down at me.

‘’There you go…’’ he murmurs. ‘’See? I knew you just needed to get it out.’’ he smiles at me. I just- told him I love him. And he’s not making a big deal of it. That’s good, right?? That means he accepts me- right?

Right...yeah. Yeah, Ben accepts me. Ben doesn’t judge. 

‘’Yeah…’’ I gulp and look away from him awkwardly. ‘’Hey uh- do you wanna-’’ I fiddle with my hands again. ‘’Do you wanna...watch a movie or something? Together.’’

He nods and smiles. ‘’I’d love to.’’

And so- we end up watching not one, not two, but three movies, late into the night. And the entire time he’s curled up in my lap, comfy as can be. As the credits on our last movie roll, he looks up at me.

‘’Hey Jeff?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’I love you.’’

My face goes bright fucking red. I don’t need to see it, I can feel it. I bury my face in my hands out of embarrassment. I hear him laugh at me like the bastard he is. I shoot him a glare from in between my fingers. I want to say it. I really do. I want to tell him I love him back but- it’s- it’s hard. He reaches up and pulls one of my hands away, letting him see me.

‘’You don’t have to say it back. It’s okay. I know.’’ He hugs my waist and rests his head against my chest. ‘’I can wait...until you’re ready.’’

It’s at this point I start crying. Again. 

Ben shushes me gently and runs his hand through my hair. And...as I looked down at him- it finally clicked. I don’t have to put the shield up- not around him. Ben is different. Ben...Ben is good.

Yeah.

Ben is good.

I guess...the reason why I’m telling you this- well...not telling, I guess- writing. The reason why I’m writing this is because...I feel like it’s something important. I need to remember it because...it’s a step. A step in me learning to accept myself. It sounds corny yeah but- fuck off okay? I’m full of trauma and insecurities. I’m allowed be a little sappy.

I don’t know who’ll end up reading this- I mean I’m literally scribbling it into a notebook I found in his drawer. There’s only two people who I really want this to be seen by. Ben, because he deserves to know how much he’s affected and helped me, and two...my brother. Though I doubt he’d ever find this- heh- 

‘’Where are you taking me?’’ Jeff asked as he followed after Ben. The shorter blonde boy glanced over his shoulder at him, his blue eyes shining brightly despite the shadow his hood cast over his face. 

‘’Somewhere really special.’’ he said. ‘’I can trust you with it, right?’’

Jeff shrugged. ‘’I mean- I think you can,’’ he tilted his head. ‘’Maybe if you told me where we were going I’d-’’ he stopped, backing up to avoid walking into Ben who had abruptly stopped walking. He turned his head to look at the building next to them. Confused, Jeff turned his head and stared in surprise. It was...a flower shop. He frowned.

‘’Wait here.’’ Ben said softly before walking into the store. Jeff squinted as the blonde disappeared inside, then walked over to the shop’s window. He glared in through the glass and watched Ben ever so gently pick up a small bundle of flowers. Ben paid for the flowers, then stepped out. Without a word he began walking down the street again. Jeff followed him. He frowned.

‘’Are you taking me to see some chick?’’ he asked. Ben’s head snapped to look at him.

‘’Ew! No!’’ he looked disgusted. ‘’No, it’s not some girl.’’ he let out a frustrated huff and glared at Jeff.

‘’Geez, no need to be so defensive.’’ Jeff murmured, holding up his hands defensively. ‘’So who’re the flowers for, Romeo?’’

‘’They’re not for anyone.’’ Ben replied. ‘’Just- wait til we get there. It’s easier to explain when you see it.’’

Jeff nodded slowly and went quiet, just walking alongside Ben instead. They eventually reached their apparent destination. A...graveyard. Ben didn’t say a word, just walked in through the iron gates and began walking between the graves. Jeff looked around suspiciously. He looked at Ben.

‘’...did you kill someone?’’

‘’Dude-’’ Ben shot him a look. ‘’Why would I kill somebody?’’ 

‘’I dunno. You felt like it?’’

Ben rolled his eyes. Jeff put his hands in his pockets. Eventually they reached a small, secluded grave near the back of the cemetery. Ben knelt down in front of it and pulled aside a few weeds that had started to spring up from the ground. A small, blue china vase sat in front of the gravestone. A few wilted flowers sat in it. Ben pulled out the wilted flowers and gently placed in his new ones. He sat back on his knees, pulled off his hood and closed his eyes. Jeff hesitated, then knelt down beside him. He looked from Ben to the grave, then back at Ben.

‘’Are uh…’’ he gulped. ‘’Are you like- praying-?’’

‘’Yes.’’ Ben’s eyes didn’t open. ‘’You don’t have to do it. Just gimme a minute, okay?’’

Jeff nodded and looked back at the grave. It looked oddly well cared for. Absently, he wondered if Ben was the one that looked after it, or if it was someone else’s work. He looked at the gravestone, reading the name on it.

‘Benjamin Lawman. Beloved grandson. 2003 - 2015.’

Benjamin...a twelve year old boy. Jeff glanced at Ben. Benjamin- Ben...Ben was fourteen. And this kid had died two years ago, so-

‘’Is this...your grave?’’ Jeff asked, a tone of disbelief in his voice. Ben nodded and finally opened his eyes, looking over at Jeff. ‘’What- what the fuck?’’ he breathed. ‘’Why did you take me to see your own grave?’’

‘’This is where I come to collect my thoughts.’’ He replied, a hint of sadness in his voice. He looked down. ‘’I wanted to show you it because- well, I dunno…’’ his pointed ears drooped slightly as he spoke. ‘’I trust you.’’

Jeff faltered. He frowned. ‘’Oh.’’ he murmured. They were quiet for a few moments, with guilt settling in Jeff’s stomach. He didn’t like guilt. It was an emotion he tried not to feel. ‘’...sorry I freaked out.’’ he finally mumbled. ‘’Just...isn’t it-’’ he squinted. ‘’Freaky?’’

‘’Freaky?’’

‘’Y’know like-’’ Jeff glanced from the gravestone to Ben. ‘’Seeing your own grave, that you died? Doesn’t that just- make you freak out a bit?’’

Ben smirked a bit in amusement. ‘’Nothin’ like a reminder of your own mortality to wake you up in the morning, am I right?’’

‘’PFFFT-’’ Jeff wheezed, laughing loudly in amusement. ‘’Oh fuck that’s- that’s terrible.’’

‘’Not as terrible as being dead!’’ Ben replied, doing jazz hands and grinning. Jeff snickered. Ben’s smile dropped slightly and he glanced back at the gravestone. ‘’I know it’s- weird, and really morbid, but it’s...calming. Like a reminder that I’m- I’m still me. I existed and I’m still Benjamin, just a little different.’’ he spoke softly, his eyes resting on the stone. Jeff’s smile dropped to a more serious expression. Ben looked at him. ‘’You won’t tell Slender about this, right?’’

‘’Slender?’’ Jeff frowned. ‘’Why not?’’

‘’He...wouldn’t really approve of me coming here.’’ Ben pursed his lips. ‘’He wouldn’t forbid me or anything but like- he’d keep a closer eye on me when leaving the house and I just don’t want the hassle, y’know?’’

Jeff nodded. ‘’Yeah, I get that. Strict parents suck.’’ he said. ‘’I’m glad Slender isn’t- too much like that.’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Ben smiled. ‘’He’s great. I just think he’s a bit too overprotective at times, y’know? Tries to keep me away from anything that’d remind me that I’m dead. I get why but...it’s something that I need to accept and come to terms with.’’

Jeff nodded again. ‘’I won’t tell him.’’ he murmured. ‘’Promise.’’

‘’Thanks dude.’’ Ben looked at him and smiled a bit. ‘’I knew I could trust you.’’

Jeff smiled wide. He quickly glanced aside to the gravestone again. ‘’So like-’’ he hesitated. ‘’Can I...ask you about it?’’ 

‘’How I died?’’

‘’I mean- that too but like...just...you. Why it happened and what life was like for you,’’ he looked at Ben. ‘’I wanna know.’’

‘’Go ahead.’’ Ben shrugged passively. ‘’I don’t really talk about it much so- sure. Why not?’’

‘’So…’’ Jeff tilted his head. ‘’You were...twelve.’’

‘’Yep.’’

‘’...jeez…’’

Ben nodded. ‘’Yeah.’’ he murmured. ‘’Pretty fucked, huh?’’

‘’Yeah…’’ Jeff paused. ‘’How’d it happen?’’

Ben sighed. ‘’...my mom pushed me into a lake,’’ he raised his hand and pointed to the grave. ‘’It was in November, see? So it was really cold and- I couldn’t swim so…’’

"Your mom?"

Ben nodded. "Yep," he sighed. "She...never really liked me."

"That's fucked." Jeff breathed, staring at the gravestone again. "My parents tried to kill me too." He mumbled, mostly because he didn't know what else to say. 

"A gun, right?" Ben looked at him. Jeff nodded.  "...think I'd prefer that to drowning." He said with a soft laugh. Jeff chuckled gently, smiling sadly. 

"HAH...it hurts to laugh..."

Ben snickered. "Yeah, yeah it does…" he smiled gently. "But hey- at least we feel good enough to talk about it right?" 

"Yeah." Jeff murmured. It went quiet for a little while. Jeff glanced up, realising the sun was starting to fade. He looked back at the gravestone. "Hey- you died like- two months after I did-" he paused. "I mean- after I...killed my parents." 

"Huh." Ben looked at Jeff, tilting his head. "Does it feel like you died? When you did that…?"

Jeff was quiet for a second. He nodded slightly. "Yeah." He murmured. "It does. Like I'm- not the same person," he looked up at the sky. "I'm not Jeffery Woods I'm...Jeff. The killer.’’

Ben nodded. ‘’I feel that..’’ he moved closer to Jeff. ‘’When I first...woke up, I guess, I didn’t feel like myself. I don’t even look like myself now. Though- I guess neither of us do- but like- I’m a ghost. I don’t experience things the same way a human does…’’ his hand rested on top of Jeff’s. Ben’s skin felt cold to the touch. ‘’It’s always cold...and my hair is always damp,’’ he chuckled gently. ‘’Food tastes a little weird. Like the flavor is muted- or like- a fake version of how it should taste. And whenever I’m around tech? I swear I can hear stuff coming from it. Usually static.’’ he paused, looking over his gravestone. Jeff stayed silent. ‘’When I first woke up like this I was freaked out. I had to adjust, and learn to accept that I wasn’t human anymore. That’s why I like coming here. It reminds me that I’m different but still me.’’

‘’...fuck, dude.’’ Jeff choked out. Ben looked at him and-

‘’Oh shit, are you crying?’’

‘’N-no! I don’t cry!’’ Jeff wiped at his eyes. ‘’It’s your fucking- ghost magic dude.’’ he muttered. Ben laughed gently and squeezed his hand.

‘’Right. Sorry.’’ he said with another soft laugh. He waited patiently until Jeff’s hand relaxed under his. Ben tilted his head at his friend. ‘’It’s getting dark, y’know,’’ he murmured. ‘’I know a good taco van near here. You wanna stop there on the way home?’’