#jau writes

It wasn't his place to ask questions. He wasn't quite Lan Xichen's friend, so naturally he couldn't hope for any confidences about that ordeal. Still, Nie Huaisang had tried to find out the truth from his brother, only to learn that Nie Mingjue had never interrogated his good friend about those missing months. Worse still, Nie Mingjue had been reluctant to hear that topic discussed at all, when he was never a man to shy away from difficult topics.

Others were equally uninterested in what happened to Lan Xichen in the early days the war. Although Lan Qiren and Lan Wangji now deferred to him in all things, they were too polite to pester him with questions, and besides they'd had worries of their own at that time, hadn't they. Meng Yao, now Jin Guangyao, found countless excuses to avoid Nie Huaisang's questions, and eventually resorted to begging him not to ask, as he did not like to think about the past. Nie Huaisang might have insisted anyway, had he not become convinced that Meng Yao simply could not answer his questions.

Around that time, Nie Huaisang took notice of Lan Xichen's face.

It used to be that Lan Xichen's face was forgettable. He was handsome, of course. Lans always were. But it was a rather boring sort of beauty which in the end failed to truly attract the eye, no matter what some young ladies and their list of eligible bachelors said.

People never used to have any reason to look at Lan Xichen.

These days, they avoided it.

It always took Nie Huaisang great effort to stare at that face, but he forced himself to do it every time he met Lan Xichen. He could not have explained what made it so difficult. Pushed to explain his discomfort, he might have said that Lan Xichen had become too handsome, but that wasn't quite true. There was something unnatural in that beauty, a smooth perfection that made one dizzy if observed for too long.

And his eyes...

Right then Nie Huaisang dared to glance at Lan Xichen's face, only to find those eyes directed at him. He shivered, and wished he could look away. Somewhere under those terrible eyes, something that might be called a smile spread across lips coloured a perfect shade of pink.

The glass of tea was lowered back to the table. Lan Xichen's attention was entirely on Nie Huaisang, his strange eyes piercing right through him, carelessly digging through every fearful thought that ever crossed his mind. The smile on Lan Xichen's lips widened, just a touch too much. Had anyone looked at him, they would have understood, as Nie Huaisang did, that something wasn't right. But nobody ever looked at Lan Xichen's face. Nobody wanted to. Nobody except Nie Huaisang and it occurred to him, a little late, that he only felt curious because he was allowed to do so.

Lan Xichen laughed softly. It was a pleasant sound, light and joyful, as unnervingly perfect as everything else.

But suddenly something else caught his attention. A remark from Jin Guangyao, followed by a reaction from Nie Mingjue. Lan Xichen looked away from Nie Huaisang who immediately had to take a deep breath.

He'd forgotten to do so since the moment Lan Xichen's eyes met his.

Nie Mingjue, entirely unable to look at the thing that bore his best friend's skin, was nonetheless capable of seeing his own brother, and how pale he'd suddenly become. Nie Huaisang lied. He had no idea what excuse he gave, but he was allowed to leave the room and go rest.

Nie Huaisang had escaped because Lan Xichen had allowed it.

“You are Qinghe Nie’s sect leader,” Lan Qiren sternly replied. “The choices you make for your sect must be obeyed. If there are any in your sect who cannot accept it, then they ought to see if some other sect will be more aligned with their principle, or even try to start their own and see how easy it is to bear the burden of leadership. Do not let others use your youth to disrespect you.”

“I’m not worried about my disciples’ objections,” Nie Mingjue assured him. “Any difficulties I had when I succeeded my father has long been dealt with. Nobody who lives in the Unclean Realm would dare to object. Nobody except the one person who would be most directly concerned with that marriage.”

The disapproval radiating from Lan Qiren’s expression only worsened. 

“Does your brother have any reasons to object to an engagement with my nephew?”

It was a complicated question. Nie Mingjue wished someone a little more diplomatically inclined than himself could answer it. Of course Lan Xichen was a great boy, quickly growing up into a great man, and he was Nie Mingjue’s closest friend, and one of the most talented boys in his generation. All those things, which would have endeared Lan Xichen to a reasonable person, had no appeal to a willful brat like Nie Huaisang, and might even cause him to dislike anyone who dared to be excellent when he had resigned himself to mediocrity.

“I realise they are not well acquainted,” Lan Qiren conceded. “With Xichen in seclusion for most of the time your brother was with us the first time, and then Xichen going away for a few months to deal with those blood sucking flying snakes last year… but I do think the few times they were near each other went decently well. I have certainly not noticed any animosity on my nephew’s side, and I doubt your brother would bother to hide it if he took a dislike to someone.”

Nie Mingjue opened his mouth, ready to explain that his brother was actually quite capable of holding long grudges in secret. He had a long feud against Jin Zixuan, dating back to before their father’s death. Nie Mingjue only recently found out about because he caught Huaisang rejoicing that he’d be given a chance to make Jin Zixuan pay for his crimes, since they’d soon be studying together in the Cloud Recesses.

The crimes in question were unclear. Nie Huaisang had refused to give any details because he didn’t want anyone involved in his affairs. It might be linked to Jin Zixuan calling Huaisang ugly back when they were five, something Huaisang had cried about for hours at the time, but knowing him it might have been some other ridiculous offence as well. Jin Zixuan was not socially gifted, and Huaisang was easily hurt.

“Xichen is a very accomplished boy, and anyone would be lucky to have him as a husband,” Nie Mingjue stated. “I think even Huaisang admires him. He certainly likes Xichen better than Wangji.”

Lan Qiren raised one eyebrow, as if to say that it didn’t mean much when most people shared that preference about his nephews. Wangji was a brilliant kid, but even Nie Mingjue could tell he was rather lacking in diplomacy.

“Then I don’t see where the problem is,” Lan Qiren still said. “People have gotten married over less than that.”

“The problem,” Nie Mingjue sighed, “is that Huaisang hates being told what to do.”

Lan Qiren frowned, and pinched his lips with a tight expression on his face. Most people who had tried to take Huaisang as a student at any point ended up making that face sooner or later, Nie Mingjue had noticed.

“Yes, I see what you mean,” Lan Qiren conceded. “But if you explain to him that it is for the good of your sect, that Xichen and him are sure to get along…”

Nie Mingjue gave him a look. Lan Qiren’s frown deepened.

“Your brother is a very stubborn boy,” he admitted.

“I’m not sure Xichen would be particularly keen on such a match either,” Nie Mingjue pointed out, partly out of honesty, but also to share the shame. “Isn’t he entitled to a love marriage like everyone else in your sect?”

“I don’t think he cares much about that,” Lan Qiren replied with a hint of pride. “He’s a very reasonable boy.”

Once again, Nie Mingjue wished that someone a little more used to saying unpleasant things in a polite manner were here to help him.

“I supposed when he’s around you, he knows it’s the right way to feel,” he settled on. “But I am his friend, and he speaks to me more freely than he does to you. Which is why I can tell you this: do not try to arrange a match for him unless he already likes the person.”

“You think he would refuse?” Lan Qiren asked.

“He’s a good boy. If you order it, he’ll obey you even if it breaks his heart. He’ll get married to please you, and silently resent it for the rest of his life.”

Lan Qiren paled, as if it had never occurred to him that Lan Xichen might hide his true wishes from him. Nie Mingjue felt rather sorry for him, but also envious. If only Huaisang could be a little less loud about his wishes, his life would be easier.

It was a shame, Nie Mingjue thought. A marriage like that would have strengthened their alliance, which was much needed now that the Wen sect had gotten more aggressive toward the rest of the jianghu. It would have given Nie Mingjue and Lan Qiren an excuse to meet more often, under pretenses of being in-laws, and allowed them to exchange news and talk strategy. But with Huaisang’s difficult temper, and Xichen’s tendency to bottle up, it just couldn’t work.

“You know, I have some distant cousins who are of marrying age,” Nie Mingjue offered, already knowing it wouldn’t be nearly as good an option. “Boys as well, and from a very minor branch of the family, but…”

“If our future sect leader is to marry a man, it must be either out of love or great political advantage,” Lan Qiren objected. “I know how far removed from the main line your cousins are, Nie zongzhu.”

“Then we have to give up on the idea,” Nie Mingjue huffed. “Because unless these two decide that they want to marry entirely of their own volition, forcing them to do it can’t end well.”

Lan Qiren stared at him.

“Say that again?”

“I said let’s give up. I like you and I like Xichen, but I’m not putting myself through months of arguing with Huaisang just to throw him into the arms of someone who won’t want him, so…”

Lan Qiren impatiently shook his head.

“No, not that. You think it might work if they decided they wish to marry? Do you mean that?”

Puzzled by that insistence, Nie Mingjue shrugged, and gave it a moment of thought.

As a rule Huaisang was lazy to the point of indolence, but on the rare occasions he decided he wanted something, he stopped at nothing to get it. Concerning Xichen, Nie Mingjue was less sure, because his friend was guarded even in his company. But there had been sighs at the news of love matches here, comments about famous star crossed lovers there, which hinted at a romantic soul.

“Probably,” Nie Mingjue answered at last. “But you’ve said it yourself, they are little better than strangers, and I don’t see how that could change. Xichen doesn’t typically deal much with guests, does he?”

“Hm.”

Lan Qiren slowly stroked his beard. His expression was nearly as severe as usual, and yet Nie Mingjue got an impression of mischievousness from the glint in the older man’s eyes.

“I have been a teacher for many years now,” Lan Qiren remarked. “And I work with others who also teach. It is not an easy job, and there is more to it than merely sharing knowledge. One duty a teacher has is, of course, to stir his charges away from bad acquaintances. It is one of our hardest tasks, I have come to find.”

“I’m sure,” Nie Mingjue said, puzzled by the change of topic.

Lan Qiren nodded, stroking his beard again.

“There are a few ways to keep a child on the right path, and many ways to send him there faster. Do you know what is the very worst thing you can tell a boy to keep him away from someone they ought not to befriend?”

“You’ll have to tell me.”

“The worst thing you can say is ‘this person here is not someone you should associate with, and I refuse to tell you why.’”

Nie Mingjue chuckled at the weak joke, but stopped when he noticed that Lan Qiren looked dead serious.

It seemed like such a silly thing. But the moment he thought about it seriously, Nie Mingjue had to admit that even for him as a grown man, such a statement would be sure to awaken at least some curiosity. So for someone younger, someone of a rebellious age especially…

“Are you suggesting we should arrange a match for Huaisang and Xichen by… trying to avoid it?” Nie Mingjue asked. “Isn’t it a little twisted?”

“A complicated solution for a complicated problem,” Lan Qiren replied. “I will say I cannot be certain it will work well on Xichen. He is a more level headed and reasonable boy than any I’ve ever met.”

Nie Mingjue, who had seen Lan Xichen’s behaviour when away from his uncle, found it polite not to comment on that.

Not that Lan Xichen acted wild when his uncle wasn’t there to control him. He still mostly abided by Lan rules, and he only rushed into things a reasonable amount when he was excited, but still he certainly wasn’t particularly wiser than other teenagers.

“It might work on Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue admitted. “The brat never wants to do anything unless it’s inconvenient to everyone around him.”

That, and his brother’s love of erotica with dramatic plotlines where lovers were often separated by cruel families, gave Nie Mingjue some confidence that such a plan could work. And if it didn’t… well, no harm done. The two boys weren’t friends, so there was nothing to be ruined between them.

“I will talk to Xichen when I return,” Lan Qiren decided. “I will tell him to keep away from your brother. And then I will start planning for the wedding. Huaisang would marry into the Lan sect, I assume?”

“If you assume that, he’ll refuse to do it,” Nie Mingjue pointed out. “But it would be the most convenient option. We’ll figure out something. For now, I’ll have a serious chat with Huaisang, tell him he mustn’t bother Xichen no matter what because he’s too good for him.”

“He’s vain enough it will certainly catch his attention,” Lan Qiren agreed.

Nie Mingjue knew he ought to have found that remark rude, but it was hard to object to the truth. Even if they managed to cause a love match to happen, Nie Huaisang’s true love would always be his own reflection on shiny surfaces.

It had taken him months to make Lan Xichen realise that he was no longer the scrawny, pimply boy who used to taken lessons at his uncle's school. And then some weeks more to ascertain that Lan Xichen was single not because he was picky about girls, but because he was so deep in the closet that Mr Tumnus might start charging rent. Then Nie Huaisang had only needed to orchestrate a few perfect dates between them (perfectly innocent ones, of course)(they hadn't even kissed yet)(tonight would change that).

Then had come the invitation for the present day. Nie Huaisang had made himself blush prettily, and coyly offered that Lan Xichen come to his place. An invitation that was easily accepted of course, because Nie Huaisang was a catch, if he said so himself, and...

“Where can I put this?” Lan Xichen asked after slipping out his shoes, lifting the box a little higher to clarify his meaning.

“Oh, I don't know,” Nie Huaisang replied, trying to sound seductive. “Where do you want it to go?”

“I suppose the kitchen would be best. Unless you want to start with it?”

The offer was so bold that Nie Huaisang blushed. A true, sincere blush. He'd had no idea that Lan Xichen could be so direct! Had he wasted his time, trying to take things slow? Stupid, he'd been stupid, and...

“I just don't want it to melt,” Lan Xichen went on, giving the box a worried look. “The shop said it could keep out of a fridge for an hour, but I don't want to take risks.”

“The shop said... what?”

Temperature play was not without appeal, but it was definitely a kink that needed to be talked about and negotiated in advance.

“You still like raspberry, don't you?” Lan Xichen asked. “I remember your brother often brought you some when he picked you up after classes. Just in case, I also got a few classic flavours. Vanilla, chocolate... I got stracciatella for myself, but I don't mind sharing.”

Nie Huaisang stared at him, then at the box.

“Xichen-ge, what's in there exactly?”

“Ice-cream, of course. Well, gelato. I'm told there's a difference.” Lan Xichen frowned, and his grip on the box tightened. “You said netflix and chill, and... that's movie and an ice-cream, isn't it?”

Looking better at the box, Nie Huaisang realised the complicated calligraphy might be constructed to spell the name of a famous ice-cream parlour he'd heard about. It wasn't quite as exciting as a dildo, but it was still something that Lan Xichen had bought to make him happy. A touching attention remained touching even if it did not, in fact, involve physical contact.

Besides, Nie Huaisang really did love raspberry as a flavour.

“Xichen-ge, you're the best,” he exclaimed, unable to keep a deep fondness out of his voice. “You're right, the kitchen is best... let's put it in the freezer until we've decided what to watch. And we could order some takeout as well, how does that sound? I know a place not far that has some delightful vegetarian dishes, you'll love it.”

Lan Xichen smiled at him, visibly relieved that he hadn't misinterpreted anything.

Ah, he was just so cute.

Wenren È plucked the child from the pile of corpses, and seized his hand. Already the boy's body was polluted with corpse energy, his flesh nearly rotting with infection. Yet underneath that, his cultivation base was promising. With proper training, that child would become a truly impressive cultivator, if he had the willpower to work for it. 

The idea of using that child as a weapon occurred to him again,only to be soon pushed aside by another. A loyal subordinate was easy enough to acquire. Wenren È’s power was sure to draw to him those who hoped to grow in his shadow. But a child capable of surviving when everything around him had died, one with a will to survive so strong he was ready to pledge himself to anyone capable of helping him live a little longer…

It was unlikely the child would survive, Wenren È mused. His body was in a terrible state. His mind likely was just as bad if not worse, though Wenren È figured that was a lesser problem. If that body recovered, if that mind overcame its trauma, if that child was properly trained, wouldn’t he make an incredible opponent someday?

“I need someone strong,” Wenren È stated. “Someone willing to fight me to the death when the day comes.”

The little boy stared at him dully for so long Wenren È wondered if he’d been heard. Then, with slow determination, the child nodded once, his small face grim yet showing no sign of fear.

Wenren È slung the child over his shoulder, as careless as if it were a bag of rice he had to carry, and started thinking.

If he’d intended to turn that child into his weapon, naturally he would have made him his disciple by flinging him in some area rich in natural energy and giving him some manual or other to practice with. But a child raised that way, one who thought of him as his master, might grow to be hesitant to strike him. Even demonic cultivators sometimes developed proper filial feelings for their teachers.

Instead, it might be more efficient to let someone else train that child, and teach him to hate Wenren È. Any of the righteous sects would do fine for that. They were always quick to tell their disciples to despise demonic cultivators, so they didn’t have to inspect their own behaviour. As to which one should be chosen for that child… it did not matter much. They were all the same, at the end of the day. 

Eventually, Wenren È settled on taking the child to the gate of Shangqing sect. They had a reputation for growing power, and were said to have access to a great number of healing pills and competent doctors. They also easily accepted promising children, and would definitely keep this one once they checked his potential, no matter how suspicious it would be to have a child in such a bad state handed to them, when their own region was currently free from mortal wars.

“You will live,” Wenren È ordered. “And you will grow strong. When you are strong enough, you will face me in battle.”

He felt the boy nod again, more weakly now. Even though he had been removed from that pile of corpses, the child was still in a terrible state, and might die soon without proper care.

“My name is Wenren È. When you are ready, come and find me. Until then, keep our encounter a secret.”

This time the child did not react. His breathing was weaker, and Wenren È wondered if he might have fainted.

With no more time to waste, Wenren È quickly made his way to Shangqing sect, and left the boy somewhere he was sure to be quickly found. On a whim, he even stayed nearby for a moment, until a disciple of that sect noticed the dying child and hurriedly brought him inside.

A rare pang of doubt struck Wenren È. That child really might have become a useful subordinate, given a chance, and a useful tool in his planned assault against the Xuanyuan sect… But Wenren È trusted his own strength. He would take over that sect with his own power. As for the child, he would either become someone worthy of interest, or he would not. It was not in Wenren È’s hands anymore.

Still it occurred to him, too late, that he did not know the boy’s name. He hadn’t thought to ask. Ultimately, it was unimportant.

“What of my feelings indeed?” Lan Xichen asked with an innocent smile. “I get along wonderfully with Tian Yuanjun. We've been on Night Hunts together. We agree on most topics, and have interesting debates when we happen to disagree. She is as happy to marry me as I am to marry her.”

“You do not love her.”

Lan Xichen winced. Regrettably, in contact with Wei Wuxian, his brother had learned to occasionally be direct, always at the worst of times.

“I love her as much as I love you, Wangji. As much as I love the children in our sect.”

“As much as you love Nie Huaisang?” Lan Wangji accused.

“Do you love me less than your husband?” Lan Xichen retorted. “No, don't try to answer that,” he quickly added, seeing the pain on his brother's face. “My question was unfair, but so was yours. I love him differently than I love her, or you, or shufu. Must you make this so difficult for me, Wangji?”

Far from being properly chastised, Lan Wangji turned again to their uncle.

“Is cheating on a spouse not against the rules?”

“It is,” Lan Qiren agreed.

Lan Wangji turned back to his brother, quietly triumphant. If the rules said so, there was nothing to do but obey. Yet Lan Xichen only smirked at him.

“Of course cheating is a vague concept,” Lan Qiren went on. “Tian Yuanjun is aware of her future husband's pre-existing relationship, and does not mind. I believe she even counted it as a determining factor in making an agreement with Xichen.”

A nod from Lan Xichen confirmed that. Tian Yuanjun wanted out of her father's home, and she wanted children, but she was uninterested in sharing her bed more than necessary. A marriage with a man who needed heirs but otherwise preferred to spend his nights elsewhere, in a sect that generally segregated between sexes, was a dream come true for her.

“That is not the spirit of the rules,” Lan Wangji insisted.

Lan Xichen smiled at him.

“Please do tell me more about following not only the letter, but also the spirit of our rules, Wangji. That is a debate I'm sure will be edifying to both of us. And perhaps we might also invite your husband to that conversation, to see what he thinks of it?”

Lan Wangji glared at him. Lan Xichen stared right back, never losing his smile.

Eventually Lan Wangji looked away, defeated at last.

“Nie Huaisang is a bad influence on you,” he still threw at his brother.

Hearing that name, Jin Ling stopped fighting and stared at the gaunt man in front of him. How could that person be Wei Wuxian? A cultivator of his skill should never have aged that way. Even Jin Guangshan looked younger than that man. In fact there were several elders of the Jin sect who, while in their eighties or more, had less gray hair than that person.

“If you’re Wei Wuxian, why are you hurting Wen Yuan?” Jin Ling shouted. “He came back here because he was so worried about you, why are you hurting him? And who are all these people in the cave? And…”

“Sometimes I wish I’d learned that Lan silencing spell,” Wei Wuxian casually said to Wen Ning. “I should have asked Lan Zhan.”

“I don’t think chatty people are a problem you often have these days,” Wen Ning flatly replied. “Stop teasing that boy and explain things to him. If you don’t, I’ll just release him and let him attack you. You’ll have deserved it if he stabs you.”

“You’re no fun at all,” Wei Wuxian cheerfully complained. “Just take him to A-Yuan, it’ll be easier than explaining it myself.”

That order was enough to make Jin Ling willing to momentarily cooperate. He allowed himself to be brought to the stone table, where the woman he had to assume was Wen Qing was doing something to Wen Yuan. The smell of blood was particularly strong there, due to a few small bowls around the table that were filled with it. That it was Wen Yuan’s own blood couldn’t be doubted. There was an incision on his left arm which Wen Qing just finished cleaning as Jin Ling was brought over, though a red bead quickly formed at the edge. Wen Yuan was still alive, then.

“What did you do to him?” Jin Lign whispered through clenched teeth. “Isn’t he your nephew? How could you do this to him?”

“Strictly speaking he’s our cousin,” Wen Qing corrected, unaffected by his accusations. “And I did it using a knife, if you must know. It was a very clean knife, don’t worry. I’m not a monster.”

Jin Ling felt faint. He might have slumped to the floor, had Wen Ning not being there to hold him upright.

“You’re just as bad as Wei gongzi,” Wen Ning scolded. “Why are the two of you teasing that poor boy?”

“After the scare he just gave us, he deserves it,” Wen Qing retorted. “Besides, didn’t A-Yuan say we should treat his husband like family?”

“You two have been left alone together too long,” Wen Ning sighed, before turning his attention back to Jin Ling. “A-Yuan is fine. Jiejie made him sleep while she drew blood from him so it wouldn’t be uncomfortable, but he’ll wake up soon.”

“Why do you even need his blood?” Jin Ling retorted. “Why did you make him come back? And what’s wrong with all these people sleeping here?”

Wen Ning slowly nodded. Something not unlike a smile distorted his lips.

“I told them that A-Yuan kept the secret, but they didn’t believe me. He’s a good boy. And you are too, if you came here just for him. But you are a little impatient. Weren’t you supposed to wait for him?”

“He was taking too long to return,” Jin Ling grumbled. “He’d said he’d be back in three days.”

For good measure he tried to wriggle free from Wen Ning again, but put little effort into it. It was clear he wouldn’t break free, but it was important to make it clear he wasn’t complying with them just yet.

“So that’s why he was in such a hurry,” Wen Qing mused as she finished bandaging the incision on Wen Yuan’s arm. “Silly child. Well, he can explain everything to you when he wakes up. A-Ning, keep an eye on those two while Wei Wuxian and I work on the next phase.”

Taking her bowls of blood, she walked away. Jin Ling tried to glance behind his shoulder to check what Wei Wuxian and her were doing, but Wen Ning prevented him from moving enough. Annoying and infuriating as the situation had been at first, very soon Jin Ling only felt very awkward, stuck between a dead man and one who was asleep. 

“How much longer until he wakes up?” Jin Ling asked. “Can’t you just explain things yourself while we wait?”

“You’ll probably only believe it if someone you trust tells you,” Wen Ning remarked. “It shouldn’t be much longer. But before I forget… how are you feeling?”

“I feel like I hate all of you!”

A strange wheezing sound escaped Wen Ning’s lips. It might have been laughter.

“That’s fair. But I’m more interested in knowing if you feel feverish or dizzy. The air or the Burial Mounds isn’t good for living people. If you feel unwell at all, you have to warn us. Especially if something starts to itch.”

“Why, is there lice here?” Jin Ling asked. Just the thought of it was enough to make his skin crawl.

Movement on the table offered a much welcome distraction from any thoughts of blood sucking insects. Wen Yuan stretched, yawned, and opened his eyes. When they immediately fell on Jin Ling being held down by Wen Ning, he cried out in surprise.

“Why are you here? You were supposed to wait outside!”

“You were supposed to come back in three days,” Jin Ling reminded him, while knowing well that the delay hadn't quite passed yet. “Why did your aunt and dad steal your blood?”

Wen Yuan’s eyes widened. He tried to sit up too quickly and lost balance. Wen Ning let go of Jin Ling to catch Wen Yuan before he could fall, while Jin Ling immediately sprung forward to do the same, each of them holding one of Wen Yuan's arms until he was better.

“You’ve lost blood and you were laying down for a long time,” Wen Ning gently scolded. “You shouldn’t move too much. I’ll see if there’s anything left you could eat. Jin gongzi, until I’m back, please look after A-Yuan and make sure he doesn’t move too much.”

Had it been Wen Qing or Wei Wuxian asking the same thing, Jin Ling would have told them that they had no right to boss him around, or that he didn’t need them to look after his husband. But he was pleased with the speed at which Wen Ning had rushed to grab Wen Yuan when he almost fell from the table, so he just nodded, glad to be trusted by the only person in Wen Yuan’s family who seemed to truly worry about him.

Jin Ling’s improved mood was helped by the fact that as soon as Wen Ning let go of him, Wen Yuan leaned on him a little more, as naturally as if they did it every day, his forehead resting against Jin Ling’s jaw, while his arms wrapped weakly around his husband’s shoulders for support. Jin Ling gave himself one second to enjoy that closeness, then another, before he went again on the offensive.

“Wen Yuan, what did they do to you?”

“Nothing I didn’t agree with,” Wen Yuan sighed, bringing one hand over his eyes. “More importantly… how are you? Do you feel dizzy? You don’t feel any fever, right? Any itches?”

Jin Ling shivered. “Is there really a lice problem here?”

“I wish it were that easy,” Wen Yuan said with a dry laugh that sent puffs of warm air against Jin Ling’s neck, making him shiver again. “I guess… you’re here anyway. You’ve seen the others, and Wen Ning doesn’t seem to mind you being there, so it’s probably fine to tell you.”

He let out a heavy sigh, and leaned a little more against Jin Ling.

“It all started about a dozen years ago,” Wen Yuan explained. “I don’t remember it very clearly, I was pretty young at the time. The grown-ups could give you more details. We’re survivors of the Wen sect, you know. All that’s left of it. Auntie Wen and Wen Ning, and some others from our side of the clan.”

Saying this, Wen Yuan weakly lifted one arm and gestured at the people laying on the ground over blood arrays. Jin Ling shivered, but said nothing. He'd heard that the Wen disciples once numbered in the thousands, but there couldn't be more than three dozen people in that cave.

“I was the only child who had survived the war,” Wen Yuan went on. “Wen Ning told me for a while, they thought I’d really be the last of us. But after a couple years in the Burial Mounds, things had started looking up. Our fields were giving us enough food to eat, and Auntie Wen had discovered some rare herbs that could sell for good money. Some of the others even got married to local people who came to live with us. Everyone was so happy when one of the younger new aunties got pregnant, and she had a baby boy.”

A tight smile appeared on Wen Yuan’s face. His eyes searched among the people gathered until they fell on one particular woman. Jin Ling too watched those half dead people. He’d noticed before that none of them were younger than his own parents, but still looked again, hoping to be proven wrong.

“We didn’t have much, but we still celebrated little Wen Chang’s hundredth day like he was an emperor’s son,” Wen Yuan said. “I think they let me hold him. He was so small. And then not long after, Uncle four’s new wife got pregnant too even though she wasn’t young anymore. Everything was going so well. So when auntie Wen Qing was offered a good paying job in a rich family in another province, just for a few months, we figured it was more good luck.”

He paused, and took a deep breath.

“I think it was Uncle Four who got sick first,” Wen Yuan whispered, his arms tightening on Jin Ling’s shoulders. “Wen Qing had left only a week or two earlier, and we weren’t expecting her back for almost half a year. She’d been offered so much money. She said when she came back, we’d buy some sheep, maybe even a pair of cows, and materials to continue purifying the Mounds. It would have changed our lives,” Wen Yan insisted. “We couldn’t risk our future by asking her to come back. Even Uncle four didn’t want her to come back. It was just a nasty flu, we thought. A few days of rest and he’d recover. But two days later he was in such a bad state he couldn’t move, his skin was covered in rashes. And he wasn’t the only sick one. More people were getting unwell. And then, little Wen Chang too…”

Still desperately looking around for a younger face, Jin Ling pulled Wen Yuan closer. It didn’t mean anything that there were no children in the cave. They must have been sent somewhere else.

“Little Wen Change was the first one who died,” Wen Yuan somberly announced. “Then Uncle four’s wife got sick, lost her baby, and then died. Maybe it was the sickness, or maybe it was the miscarriage. Poor Uncle four was in a coma by then. When he wakes up, we’ll have to tell him.”

“How come you didn’t get sick?” Jin Ling quickly asked to distract him.

He felt Wen Yuan shrug against his side.

“I did get sick. We all did, except Wen Ning who was already dead, and Auntie Wen who was away. Even Wei zongzhu was unwell, but he came up with a method to combat it. It could only work for him, though, because of that cultivation method he uses. The others are only alive because he came up with a method to put them in a stasis. And then, there was me. Out of everyone who got sick, I’m the only one who recovered on my own. Auntie Wen says I was just lucky, and my body managed to fight it back.”

Wen Yuan huffed, and looked again at the people lying all over the cavern’s floor.

“Auntie Wen gave up on her job, of course,” he said. “We couldn't keep her away any longer. She came back, and she managed to use my blood to make a cure of sorts. She tested it on herself and on Wei zongzhu, since they were the only ones strong enough to handle it. It worked, but the ingredients it used were very expensive. Too expensive,” he added in a whisper. “They weren’t able to make enough for the others. All they could do was keep them like this, and look for another method.”

“So you grew up in the middle of… this?” Jin Ling asked, unable to keep the horror out of his voice.

He’d often been unhappy about his life in Lanling, in a sect with too many people, a good share of whom were nothing but vipers. On occasions he’d even thought himself unlucky to have so many siblings, who always seemed to be getting more attention than him.

Never before had Jin Ling felt more like the spoiled brat others accused him of being. He swore to himself that the moment they got home, he’d hug both his parents, and that he’d never complain again when the twins or Jin Bai needed his help with something, and he’d play more with Jin Hui.

“Not exactly,” Wen Yuan sighed. “Auntie Wen Qing was worried I might get sick again, so I went to live in a different part of the burial mounds with Wen Ning. We grew vegetables, and gathered rare plants to sell in town once a month. Mostly we kept away from ordinary people, because we were scared of contagion. But years passed, and the sickness never spread. Eventually, Auntie Wen heard about a place that sold the most important part of the cure she’d invented, a special flowers that enhances the effects of immunised blood. Except it grows very far from here, and it is quite rare. She couldn’t have afforded to travel there.”

“They should have asked for help,” Jin Ling said. “If my mother had known about this, or even jiujiu… if Wei Wuxian had just asked, they’d have done anything to help!”

“He’s stubborn, and a little too proud,” Wen Yuan agreed. By the sound of it, he wasn't pleased about his father's defects. “I think he should have. I’ve heard him say he was worried about infecting them, but I think he was just so sure he’d find a solution on his own.”

Wen Yuan grimaced, and leaned some more on Jin Ling's side.

“Auntie Wen and him are like that. It’s… a little annoying at times. I was getting very angry at them, very often, at one point. But then, something happened that made it possible to think of getting that flower after all. Enough money to send auntie Wen Qing on that trip, as comfortably as she liked.”

“My grandfather’s offer,” Jin Ling guessed.

He frowned and bit his lip, looking deeper into the cave, where Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing were working and whispering to one another.

“So they really did just sell you to us.”

He knew his mother was convinced there had to be a deeper explanation for Wei Wuxian’s decision to give up on his own son. Jin Ling had tried to entertain the idea sometimes, to make her happy, but in the end Wei Wuxian really was as selfish as people said.

“No, it’s not exactly like that,” Wen Yuan said. 

He pulled away from Jin Ling and sat straighter on the stone table, a conflicted expression on his face.

“First of all, you have to understand, Auntie Wen and Wei zongzhu didn’t deal with the outside world anymore,” he explained, avoding looking at the people in question, but also at Jin Ling. “They didn’t have time for that, their research took all their time, as well as looking after everyone. And Wen Ning tries to avoid people, he knows he looks scary. So when your grandfather sent someone here to reach out to Wei zongzhu, I was the one who spoke to him, as usually happened. And I didn’t know a lot about the Jin sect back then, but I knew you were all very rich. Rich enough to pay for Auntie Wen’s travels abroad to get that flower, perhaps. It was a chance we couldn't miss. I had to take it. I had to do something.”

“Wait, but then... “ Jin Ling gasped. “Are you offered yourself without telling them?”

Wen Yuan wrung his hands and stared down at his feet. What little blood was left in his body seemed to rush to his cheeks, blushing as badly as Jin Bai when he'd broken something and feared being caught.

“I had no choice!” Wen Yuan exclaimed. “I knew Wei zongzhu would probably refuse. Because he’s proud, you know, and also the Jin sect had already forced his shijie to marry Jin Zixuan so he hated them, and he didn’t have a very good opinion of Jin zongzhu, and he always said he would never share his methods with the world because they’re too dangerous. But I figured maybe if we twisted things just right… if we could imply that we’d give the Jin something what they want, but really didn’t intend to do so…”

“People get really stupid when they think they’re getting what they want,” Jin Ling mumbled, recalling what his sister had said some days earlier. “And my grandfather is worse than most others. So you convinced Wei Wuxian to follow your plan?”

The degree to which Wen Yuan nervously twisted his hands had to be painful, and the awkward grimace on his face was hardly any better.

“Yes… and no. I figured it’d be easier to set everything in motion first, and involve him later,” Wen Yuan confessed. “By the time I told him about my plan, the wedding date had already been decided. I’d never have told Wei zongzhu at all if I could have, but I figured the Jin sect would get suspicious if he didn’t at least show up, and… well.” Wen Yuan let out a nervous laugh. “Let me tell you, Wei zongzhu was not happy at all when I came clean. I wish I'd never had to see him that angry.”

“I bet,” Jin Ling whispered.

He’d heard enough tales from the Sunshot Campaign to vaguely imagine what a furious Wei Wuxian would be like. The mere idea of it had him shivering. And Wen Yuan had deliberately provoked that anger, just because he loved his family and was desperate to save them.

Had Jin Ling not already been in love, that would have caused him to fall for his husband.

“But why a marriage?” Jin Ling asked. “Couldn’t you find something else to offer, besides yourself? There had to be something, some of Wei zongzhu's more useless research, or...”

Wen Yuan fell silent. His eyes wandered around the cavern, the people laying there like corpses waiting to be prepared for their burial. His expression soured.

“I wanted to get out of the Burial Mounds,” he admitted. “My main goal was to help my family, of course, but I also wanted to get away from this place, no matter what it would cost me.” Wen Yuan paused, a deep frown creasing his brow. “You must think I’m awful. Wanting to abandon my family like this…”

Jin Ling took his husband’s hand.

He remembered their early days, how they’d all wondered at Wen Yuan’s oddities. He’d seemed like a wild animal, always on edge and clearly unused to the company of others. Back then, Jin Ling had thought his husband was just like those disciples who’d been born in peasant families and didn’t know how to behave among gentry. A little more unpolished than most, a little less educated, perhaps, but nothing truly astonishing after the initial shock. Wen Yuan’s quick progress under Jiang Yanli’s wing had appeared to confirm it.

How could Jin Ling have guessed that the truth was so much worse?

“You didn’t abandon them,” Jin Ling said. “You did all this for them. And it worked. They’re getting better. And you… I’m never letting you be alone like that again.”

Wen Yuan looked at him with wonder, bordering on adoration. It was a very, very cute expression on him, and yet it only made Jin Ling sad that a promise as simple as that had such an effect. Sad, and perhaps a little angry as well that the grown ups in Wen Yuan’s life hadn’t noticed how hard the situation was on him. Or perhaps they had noticed, and thought he could handle it just because they had handled so much worse during the Sunshot Campaign.

Grown ups were like that sometimes, which Jin Ling always found deeply annoying.

Well, he’d do better than all those stupid adults. He’d keep his promise and never leave Wen Yuan alone. He’d make sure that Wen Yuan never regretted the risk he took in getting married to a stranger. He would…

A kiss to his cheek made Jin Ling lose his train of thought.

His face heated up so much he knew he had to look silly, though he didn’t mind too much because Wen Yuan too was ridiculously red.

It made him very cute again.

“I’m so glad we met,” Wen Yuan said with a shy grin. “I’m so glad it was you, out of everyone your grandfather could have chosen. I was so scared at first, but now if I could decide for myself… I’d still pick you.”

“Well, I, the same,” Jin Ling mumbled, feeling as though he might spontaneously combust. “I, uh. I think you’re really great.”

Wen Yuan laughed gently. For a second Jin Ling feared that his ineptitude with words had caused it, but the radiant expression on his husband’s face seemed to say instead that Wen Yuan was just too happy to hide. A fact confirmed when, just a moment later, he leaned toward Jin Ling and gave him another kiss, this time on the lips. Just as quickly, Wen Yuan pulled back and stared at Jin Ling with wide, worried eyes, as if it were still possible that Jin Ling would get angry at him.

How stupid.

Jin Ling loved him so much.

Intent on proving that, Jin Ling wrapped his arms around Wen Yuan’s waist and pulled him closer to…

“Might not be the best time and place for that, hm?” Wei Wuxian said from further inside the cave, startling both of them. “A-Yuan, there’s not enough blood in you at the moment, don’t make it go somewhere it’s not needed.”

Wen Yuan hid a mortified expression behind his hands, while Jin Ling glared at his father-in-law. The only effect that had was to make Wei Wuxian laugh.

“I can’t say if you look more like your father or like your uncle,” he said, before looking down at whatever it was he was doing to a bowl of Wen Yuan’s blood. “Not a compliment either way, I’m afraid. You know, with the way A-Yuan was speaking of you when he got here, I thought maybe you took more after your mother. It would have been better for you.”

“Well, my mom married my dad,” Jin Ling retorted. “And she’s very happy with him, so I’d say taking after him isn’t all bad. And I guess Wen Yuan took after his mother, because he’s certainly a lot nicer than you.”

Wei Wuxian pulled a face at the reminder that Jiang Yanli had married Jin Zixuan. Jin Ling, who had so many siblings, immediately recognised that expression as a brother’s bafflement that a beloved relative was happy doing something immensely stupid, and frustrated that no harm was coming of it so they didn’t have an excuse to make it stop.

Jin Ling had seen it on his own reflection when dealing with Jin Ruyi and Jin Bai, though in the family it was Jin Dongmei who most often displayed it.

“Don’t worry, Wei zongzhu isn’t related to A-Yuan by blood,” Wen Ning announced as he approached with a bowl of watery, lukewarm soup. “And he didn’t have too much to do with raising him either. That’s why our A-Yuan is a level-headed and respectful boy who doesn’t make rash decisions. Except when he secretly gets engaged to strangers from evil sects to help us, of course, but nobody is perfect.”

Perhaps Jin Ling ought to have objected a little more to hearing his sect described as evil, but he was too busy feeling relieved that Wen Yuan’s link to Wei Wuxian was less strong than he’d feared. Not because Wei Wuxian was evil, although there was also that, but rather because even after such a short acquaintance, Jin Ling could tell that Wei Wuxian was a deeply annoying person.

While Wen Yuan drank his soup and nibbled on some now stale buns Jin Ling and him had managed to steal from home when leaving Lanling, Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing kept working on some strange alchemy in the far side of the cave. It involved blood, Wen Yuan’s blood, as well as foul smelling dried flowers which Wen Qing was distillating in alcohol. It all seemed so disgusting that Jin Ling couldn’t bear to look at it for very long. 

In the meantime, he tried instead to chat with Wen Ning, eager to show Wen Yuan that he could get alone with his family just as well as Wen Yuan did with his own. It was rather awkward at first. Many topics felt inappropriate when speaking with an undead man, especially when the man in question had some good reasons to resent Jin Ling’s entire sect. Wen Ning had been killed by Jin cultivators, after all. But as it turned out, Jin Ling and him were able to find common ground in their deep seated dislike of certain members of the Jin sect, all thanks to Wen Yuan pointing out that Jin Ling had a long standing feud with Jin Chan, whose father Jin Zixun had been in charge of the camp where Wen Ning died. Complaining about the vanity and self importance of certain people gave them a safe enough topic.

In the end, Wen Ning was scary, but he wasn’t a bad person. Certainly, out of everyone related to Wen Yuan whom Jin Ling had met so far, Wen Ning was the most pleasant and polite.

Sunset came, followed by nightfall. Wen Ning lit up some candles in the cave, then left to prepare some more of his watery soup, apparently the only food to be had. Jin Ling considered flying to Yiling to buy something more substantial there, but quickly decided against it. Wen Yuan was not in a state to fly, and leaving him alone with Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing was unthinkable. If they decided that more blood was needed for their experiment, someone had to stop them from harming Wen Yuan.

The soup was eaten. Wen Ning prepared a space for Jin Ling to sleep, right next to Wen Yuan, as far away as possible from Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing. As they laid down on the ground, Jin Ling reflected that it was the first time they were sleeping in what could, on a technicality, be called the same bed. It wasn’t how he had envisioned that happening, but the same could have been said about every recent development in his marriage.

When Wen Yuan shyly took his hand and smiled at him in the dark, Jin Ling reflected that maybe it didn’t matter how any of that was happening, as long as it happened at all. Mostly, he thought that Wen Yuan’s hand was warm in his, its palm rough from learning swordsmanship and from his life before Lanling, while the back of it was soft, as would certainly be the rest of his skin when Jin Ling finally got to touch it.

-

When an engagement is decided between him and Nie Huaisang, Lan Xichen isn’t consulted for his opinion. He is aware that it is unusual in Gusu Lan, that they usually value love matches in a way that the rest of the world doesn’t, but political marriages aren’t unheard of either, and this is necessary. With Qishan Wen growing in power, both Qinghe Nie and Gusu Lan need allies.

It doesn’t really bother Lan Xichen, anyway. In the past few months, he’s seen more of Nie Huaisang’s paintings, and gotten Nie Mingjue to speak more about his brother. Although he still hasn’t met the younger boy, Lan Xichen feels a certain affection for him, and even painted something for him, asking Nie Mingjue to give it to his brother. It could be a good match, he thinks. Nie Huaisang sounds like a scholar in the making, in spite of his sect’s efforts to turn him into someone more martial, and Lan Xichen wouldn’t mind such a partner.

Of course, there’s some oddities in the engagement contract. The Nie sect had a lot of demands concerning Nie Huaisang’s right to continue following certain Nie customs, and that certain exceptions to Lan rules be granted to him. But as far as Lan Xichen knows, it’s always complicated to organise marriages, and he can understand that going from Qinghe Nie to Gusu Lan would be difficult for anyone, let alone a boy who Lan Xichen suspects is a little spoiled by his family. Lan Xichen has heard that his father and some of the elders fought hard against those concessions, while Lan Qiren fought just as hard in favour of them. Being on friendly terms with sect leader Nie means Lan Qiren assured everyone that the engagement could not happen unless those concessions were granted, and in the end the fear of Qishan Wen was stronger than attachment to rules and traditions.

Lan Xichen is glad that his uncle triumphed, which is sure to make things more comfortable for everyone involved when the wedding happens.

For now, he can’t wait to meet Nie Huaisang at last.

-

When Lan Xichen finally gets to meet Nie Huaisang, it is under less pleasant circumstances than he might have preferred. He’d been hoping to be invited to Qinghe soon, owing both to his engagement and to his friendship with Nie Mingjue. He’d hoped to be introduced to Nie Huaisang and that, under the careful eyes of a chaperone, they might take a walk around the Unclean Realm, or perhaps paint together, or that he’d be shown the pet birds that his fiancé apparently treasures.

Such a visit had been planned, in fact, and then suddenly cancelled after sect leader Nie became unwell. Nobody knows much about that, or if they do, they don’t think a boy of fifteen has any business hearing about these matters. Still, gossip can’t be avoided, and Lan Xichen learns a few things here and there, about sect leader Nie and sect leader Wen, about a Night Hunt gone wrong, about a broken sabre. 

Then, after a few months, gossip is replaced by a tragic piece of news: sect leader Nie has died. His oldest son, though not quite of age, succeeds him and must deal with threats both within and without his sect.

So this is how Lan Xichen gets to meet Nie Huaisang at last. Worried that Wen Ruohan might seek to finish what he started, Nie Mingjue sent his brother to the Cloud Recesses to study there, and to be kept safe.

Nie Huaisang isn’t quite what Lan Xichen might have expected. He’s small and frail for his age, especially for someone born in Qinghe Nie, with a round face and delicate hands. Suddenly, Lan Xichen better understands why Nie Mingjue is always worried when he says his brother doesn’t practice hard enough: Nie Huaisang looks younger than his age, and would make anyone feel protective. 

An impression that isn’t improved by the deep sorrow apparent on the younger boy’s face, which can be easily explained by the fact that however sect leader Nie died, it was not a peaceful death, and both his sons were there to see it happen. It left such an impression on poor Nie Huaisang that he hasn’t said a word since, or so Nie Mingjue wrote, but there’s hope that a change of air and the chance for new companions might help him recover.

Lan Xichen, eager to give a good first impression, comes to welcome his fiancé at the gate, and encourages him to seek him out if he encounters any problem. Then, because Lan Qiren is currently not in Gusu but in Qinghe with Nie Mingjue, Nie Huaisang is entrusted to a Lan elder who will make sure that the boy is properly settled down while waiting for classes to start.

For the few days that follow, Lan Xichen doesn’t see Nie Huaisang, not even at meals. When he asks about that, he is told not to worry about it, that everything is normal, that this doesn’t concern him.

It isn’t until Lan Qiren returns from Qinghe a week later that Lan Xichen discovers why he hasn’t once crossed paths with his fiancé: through some sort of misunderstanding, Nie Huaisang had been sent to the women’s quarters. It is probably an honest mistake, Lan Xichen thinks. Boys up to eight or nine will sometimes continue living with their mothers, and Nie Huaisang is so frail, he looks so young… someone must have been mistaken regarding his age, and thought that it might be good for him to be under feminine care after the horror of seeing his father die. In fact, this is exactly the official explanation given for that blunder. 

Lan Xichen would even have believed it, if not for his uncle’s continued anger regarding that mistake.

Lan Qiren is not a man easily pushed to anger, but something about this situation really upset him. And yet when his nephew tries to ask for details, Lan Qiren won’t give any, merely hinting at some political disagreements, the sorts that are bound to happen when Lan Qiren bears all the responsibilities of a sect leader, and yet none of the actual authority. Besides, Lan Xichen can’t help feeling like there’s something he’s already supposed to know about this situation, judging by the looks his uncle throws him. So he stops asking, and hopes that he'll get to overhear the full explanation someday. 

In the meanwhile, now that Nie Huaisang is back where he belongs, Lan Xichen tries to befriend his fiancé. He wants to know the boy who paints such pretty things, the boy who will someday share his house. If they are to be married, it is only natural that they should try to get along. Lan Xichen so wants for them to get along. 

The feeling is apparently not mutual. 

Nie Huaisang remains mute for the entirety of that year, stubbornly refusing to say a single word to anyone, least of all to Lan Xichen. Not only that, but Nie Huaisang very clearly avoids Lan Xichen whenever possible, changing course when he's walking to make sure they won't pass by each other, refusing every invitation to have tea or paint together. 

Lan Xichen, who remembers Lan Wangji's state for the year and a half that followed their mother's death, doesn't take it personally. Grief is a powerful thing, and Nie Mingjue told him more than once that their father and Nie Huaisang had a particularly close bond. It will take time for Nie Huaisang to heal from seeing his beloved father die, especially when Nie Mingjue's letters hint that the months before that death had been rough as well. 

Lan Xichen still tries to say hi, still tries to be nice, but doesn’t insist when Nie Huaisang always runs away from their conversations.

If Lan Xichen is understanding about Nie Huaisang’s sorrow, others aren’t. Lan Qiren might put up with a silent student, but he won’t forgive Nie Huaisang for not putting real effort in learning his lessons, and is merciless in grading him. So it’s not much of a surprise when Nie Mingjue and Lan Qiren agree that Nie Huaisang hasn’t learned enough yet, and that he must return a second year to do better. It would be shameful for the husband of Gusu Lan’s future head to be remembered as such a poor student.

And Lan Xichen, a little selfishly, is happy with that decision. Hopefully after having gone home for a while, after a little more time has passed, Nie Huaisang might not be so despondent next year.

-

While back home in Qinghe, Nie Huaisang hits an impressive growth spurt that leaves him just a little taller than Lan Xichen, who for some reason finds that immensely attractive. Nie Huaisang stands a good head above other boys his age, tall and lanky and perhaps a little clumsy, but still with a certain roundness clinging to his face, all of which makes him impossibly handsome to poor Lan Xichen. On top of that, Nie Huaisang has apparently started speaking again, though Lan Xichen’s joy upon discovering this is short lived, because Nie Huaisang still won’t speak to him.

Lan Xichen finds many ways to explain that, just as he did last year. Perhaps Nie Huaisang is shy. Or else he’s like others of their peers and somewhat resents Lan Xichen for being held as an example all boys should try to emulate (a phenomenon Lan Xichen knows well, being often told to act more like Nie Mingjue who is so serious and dedicated to his sect and his cultivation). Perhaps it’s that engagement between them which makes things awkward, because what does one say to one’s fiancé, anyway? 

Surely there has to be a valid reason, and one that isn’t just Nie Huaisang not liking Lan Xichen.

It would be unbearable if Nie Huaisang didn’t like Lan Xichen, because Lan Xichen remains utterly fascinated by his fiancé.

The fact that they don’t speak isn’t a hindrance. Who needs to talk, when almost every day Lan Qiren confiscates doodles from Nie Huaisang, or little scraps of poetry written on the margin of his notes? Who needs to talk, when Lan Xichen can see the way Nie Huaisang smiles, the way he tries so hard to make others laugh, how smug he looks whenever he breaks a rule without being caught by Lan Qiren, how adorably pitiful he is when he does get caught and cries to avoid punishment?

Patience is a virtue. Sooner or later, Lan Xichen is sure that the occasion will arise for him and Nie Huaisang to talk, and then everything will change. 

Lan Xichen isn’t wrong. The occasion does arise, more than halfway into this session of lectures, though under unpleasant circumstances, and with unpleasant results.

It all happens because of Jin Zixun, who is without a doubt the very worst student Lan Qiren has ever had to deal with. Lan Xichen had never heard his uncle speak so negatively of a student, but Lan Qiren truly despairs of that one. Even Nie Huaisang is better liked by Lan Qiren, if only because he never causes any harm, rarely disturbs others even when he refuses to work, and because Lan Qiren can’t deny the doodles and bribes of poems that take over his school notes are very good. Meanwhile Jin Zixun is a bully who disrupts class regularly and acts as if he’s leagues above other students, arguing against every bad grade he gets, refusing to show his teachers any respect. Several Lan boys have been made to tutor him already, including Lan Xichen himself, but it’s impossible to teach someone who doesn’t want to learn… and yet Jin Zixun can’t easily be sent home either. Jin Guangshan would not take it well, and Gusu Lan cannot make an enemy out of Lanling Jin.

Perhaps it should not have come as a surprise to Lan Xichen when he learns that Jin Zixun chose Nie Huaisang as the main target of his bullying. With the Nies currently in a delicate position politically speaking, and with Nie Huaisang himself a very weak cultivator, standing out with his height and how handsome and delicate he looks… But Nie Huaisang never complains to Lan Qiren or anyone else, so whenever they see him with Jin Zixun and his gang of Jin disciples, they just assume he’s making friends, as he does with all the other guest students.

That is, until Lan Xichen catches Jin Zixun threatening Nie Huaisang one after class one day.

It’s sheer luck that brings Lan Xichen to that remote corner of the Cloud Recesses that afternoon. He was looking for a Lan disciple who was supposed to report to a teacher about additional tutoring but never showed up, when instead he finds Jin Zixun and his cronies behind a seldom used classroom, surrounding poor Nie Huaisang. Even before their words can be heard, it is obvious that the Jins have to be tormenting the poor boy, who has his arms wrapped around himself in defence, and his shoulder hunched as if trying to make himself smaller. Just that alone would be cause for alarm, but when Lan Xichen hears how, exactly, Jin Zixun is taunting Nie Huaisang, it makes the situation so much worse.

“I’m just saying if you’ve got nothing to hide, it’s no big deal to prove you’re a boy,” Jin Zixun says, in the same viciously sweet tone his uncle likes to use, before grabbing Nie Huaisang’s collar and pulling on his clothes. Nie Huaisang cries out in terror, but lacks the strength to push away Jin Zixun who just laughs. “Look at you, reacting like such a girl! No real man would mind showing his chest.”

Jin Zixun pulls harder on Nie Huaisang’s clothes, while Nie Huaisang, moved by panic, fights harder, trying to kick Jin Zixun and the others all while breaking into tears.

“Come on Nie gongzi, you know we’ll leave you alone if you just let us see you’re really a guy,” Jin Zixuan exclaims, cackling in cruel delight and turning to the other boys. “Let’s just do this. You lot hold him, let’s undress him so we can know once and for all!”

“And will you all also undress after that?” Lan Xichen asks, startling the others as he comes closer. “It seems it would only be fair,” Lan Xichen adds, pretending not to notice the sudden terror of the Jins. “In fact, Jin gongzi, since you are so sure that you have the right to judge if Nie Huaisang is not manly enough, I assume you must believe yourself a perfect example of manliness. Why not show us what that should be, before Nie Huaisang shows us anything? But not here of course. I think everyone should get a chance to be enlightened on that topic. Perhaps I should ask my uncle to see if you could offer a demonstration tomorrow in class, in front of every other guest student?”

If Lan Qiren were around to hear his nephew make such threats, Lan Xichen is sure that he would get scolded just as strongly as Jin Zixun. He’s probably breaking rules about abusing his authority, some others about cruel punishment, and maybe the rule about lying too, because he has no intention at all to ask such a thing from his uncle. But all that matters is that Nie Huaisang is crying, something which Lan Xichen wants to ensure will never happen again.

“Lan gongzi, it’s not what it looks like!” Jin Zixun exclaims, eyes darting around. “It’s… we were just fooling around, it was just a game. Right, Nie gongzi?”

Nie Huaisang doesn’t react, too busy trying to put order to his clothes while quietly sobbing. Jin Zixun, who has no survival instinct, gets annoyed when Nie Huaisang doesn’t confirm his story, and grabs him by the collar again, shaking him.

“I said, we were just playing, right?” Jin Zixun snarls. “It was nothing serious, right?”

Lan Xichen takes a step closer and grabs Jin Zixun’s wrist, tightening his grip until the other boy yelps in pain and lets go of Nie Huaisang.

“Even if it was a game, it would be a game which breaks the rules of the Cloud Recesses,” Lan Xichen warns. “So you will go and report to Lan Wangji for punishment, and I’ll tell him exactly what has happened here. From now on, you would do well to keep your distance from Nie gongzi. If I find out anything like this has happened again, you will regret it… and I will find out. Am I clear?”

“If your wife can’t take being pushed around a little, then she should stay with other women and stop playing at being a boy!” Jin Zixun replies, before shouting and spilling a few tears of his own when Lan Xichen tightens his hold on him again, feeling the bones of Jin Zixun’s wrist move. “Stop it, stop it! You’re going to break something!”

“Then maybe Jin gongzi should be more careful about his words if he can’t handle being pushed around a little,” Lan Xichen says before finally releasing him. “If I hear you call Nie Huaisang a girl again I might lose my temper, so please think twice before speaking like this in the future. Am I understood?”

Jin Zixun nods, rubbing his wrist almost desperately, and Lan Xichen knows he should advise the other boy to go to the infirmary, knows his arm strength is on par with that of any adult in the Lan sect… his best excuse for not doing it is that Jin Zixun runs away too quickly, his little Jin friends trailing behind him, and then Lan Xichen had more important things to worry about, because Nie Huaisang is still crying.

“Nie gongzi, did they hurt you?” Lan Xichen asks, stepping closer. “Can I do anything for you?”

Nie Huaisang hurriedly shakes his head and, with trembling hands, continues putting order into his clothes. Or at least, he tries to, but his collar sits crooked against his neck after he’s done and Lan Xichen, eager to help, eager to touch, reaches out to fix it. Immediately Nie Huaisang slaps his hand away with a startled cry, glaring at Lan Xichen with no less fear and hatred that he showed Jin Zixun earlier.

“What are you doing?” Nie Huaisang cries out. “You think saving me means you can do… whatever you were trying to do?”

“I wasn’t trying to do anything!” Lan Xichen protests, horrified by the accusation. “I was just…”

“I didn’t need your help!” Nie Huaisang shouts with renewed tears. “I was doing fine! I had this under control! I didn’t need to be rescued!"

"I only wanted to help," Lan Xichen says. "I thought…" 

"Did you really think I was going to let them undress me? Do you think I’m that stupid? Or, or, or that I'd fawn over you if you rescued me? Did you think if you showed me how strong and manly you are, it would turn me into a pleasant and obedient little wife, like some sort of novel?"

Lan Xichen shakes his head, too distraught for words. If he could speak he would explain he doesn't want an obedient wife, that he likes Nie Huaisang as he is now, clever enough to enter the imperial administration if he weren't born a cultivator (if only by cheating on his exams), too spoiled to bother with anything but the things he loves. In the little domestic fantasies Lan Xichen allows himself sometimes, they stand as equals, because what’s the point otherwise? He wants a partnership, not… whatever was going on with his parents.

“Lan gongzi should just mind his own business from now on,” Nie Huaisang hisses, and without waiting for an answer, he all but runs away, leaving Lan Xichen alone with his thoughts.

They’re heavy enough thoughts. He can’t lie to himself anymore, now that Nie Huaisang has made his dislike so plain to see.

The happy marriage Lan Xichen has been hoping for won’t be so happy it seems.

-

A few days after that incident, while Lan Xichen is home alone and studying some texts that a teacher recommended, he gets a visit from Nie Huaisang. That alone is surprising enough, but without so much as stepping in the house, Nie Huaisang hands Lan Xichen a little fabric pouch, mumbling that it is not much of a present, but it is one all the same. Inside the pouch are candies, Lan Xichen’s favourites in fact, as he can’t help but remark out loud.

Nie Huaisang shrugs uncomfortably, refusing to look at him. “I know. Da-ge told me, a while back. And I figured I should thank you. You know, for the other day.”

“You did not need to give me anything,” Lan Xichen gently protests. “I only did what any decent person would have done. Even if you had not been my fiancé, I would have intervened.”

Nie Huaisang shrugs again.

“Would you like to come in and share those with me?” Lan Xichen offers, already hopeful again that this can be fixed, that Nie Huaisang doesn’t hate him, that he was just under shock the other day and taking it out on the only person nearby. “I was about to have tea, and…”

“We’d need a chaperone,” Nie Huaisang cut him. “It’s probably not allowed for us to be alone together until we’re married.”

That is technically true, although with both of them being boys, it doesn’t really matter. Even if one of them were a girl, Lan Xichen respects his sect’s rules too much and wouldn’t get in a compromising position.

Well.

Not unless Nie Huaisang really wants to, anyway. And even then… there’s some tolerance toward engaged couples when it comes to mischief, Lan Xichen knows, as long as appearances remain respectable. So it’d be fine. 

It’s not like one of them could get pregnant, right?

“Then perhaps we could…”

“Lan gongzi, don’t bother,” Nie Huaisang sighs, sounding tired and a little pitiful. “I appreciate that you’re trying to be polite and everything, but… you don’t have to. The two of us are so different, it’s normal for us not to get along. Nobody expects a married couple to be on friendly terms when the match was arranged for them, as long as they can work together.”

“I still think it’d be nice to be friends,” Lan Xichen says, ignoring the ache in his chest. “If we’re going to spend our lives together, isn’t it better to be friends?”

“Lan gongzi, please understand my position,” Nie Huaisang pouts. “My life is so miserable! I don’t get to decide who I marry. I don’t get to decide where I live. It’s all so unfair! But I can at least decide who I’m going to be friends with, nobody can tell me what to do about that yet. Who I like and dislike is the only thing I’ll ever get to control for the rest of my life, so I’m going to not be friends with you, or anyone in your sect, ever.”

All Lan Xichen can do is stare at Nie Huaisang, trying to understand that reasoning. He quickly gives up.

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense to you,” Nie Huaisang insists, crossing his arms on his chest. “It makes sense to me. I don’t have to like you, so I won’t. I don’t have to be your friend, so I won’t. I thought I’d made it obvious enough so far, but I guess it can’t hurt to be a little more direct about it, right?”

In spite of the self control so carefully trained into him, Lan Xichen can’t help the way his hands clench on the little bag of candies Nie Huaisang gave him. He’d been so happy that his fiancé had known this detail about him, and had chosen to memorise his preferences the same way Lan Xichen is trying to do for him.

“Is there any chance Nie gongzi will change his mind about this?” Lan Xichen asks, reverting to empty politeness to hide his aching heart.

“I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you,” Nie Huaisang carelessly retorts. “Anyway, I just don’t think we’d make good friends. Without this engagement, you wouldn’t have ever tried to talk to me. We’re really just too different. Someone who’s such good friends with my brother, what would we have in common? No, it’s better if we don’t bother.”

Again, the logic here completely mystifies Lan Xichen, but it would be uncouth to insist when Nie Huaisang made himself so clear.

At least, there’s still a few years ahead for Lan Xichen to reconcile himself with his fate.

Just like his father, he won’t be lucky in love.

-

The rest of the year passes quietly. As far as Lan Xichen can tell, Jin Zixun has been scared into leaving Nie Huaisang alone, but not into behaving in general, and even his uncle’s reputation can’t prevent him from being sent home in disgrace after another few weeks.

As for Nie Huaisang himself, he fails his exams again, but his behaviour was good enough he’s allowed to try for a third and final time.

Last year, Lan Xichen had been secretly pleased to know Nie Huaisang would return.

This year, it fills him with sorrow to spend another year near his fiancé, knowing they’ll never be close.

-

When the time comes for a new session of classes, Lan Xichen finds that he is more cowardly than he ever expected, and that he can’t bear to be anywhere near Nie Huaisang. So he makes some excuses to his uncle, invokes long delayed plans, and heads for Qinghe just as Nie Huaisang is about to arrive at the Cloud Recesses.

Naturally, Nie Mingjue is sorry to tell him when he arrives that he just barely missed Nie Huaisang. If Lan Xichen had come to visit only a week or two earlier, he could have spent a few days in Qinghe and then accompanied his fiancé to Gusu.

To this Lan Xichen merely smiles, and agrees that it is unlucky indeed. He thinks he’s done a good job of expressing the right degree of disappointment, but Nie Mingjue’s expression darkens for a few seconds. Because they are at the gate of the Unclean Realm, where Nie disciples might overhear their conversation, Nie Mingjue doesn’t insist, and instead asks about Lan Xichen’s journey, giving him the false impression that he successfully fooled his friend.

It is only later, when they are alone in Nie Mingjue’s private quarters, sharing tea and snacks, that Nie Mingjue goes on the offensive.

“So, did something happen with Huaisang?”

Lan Xichen startles at the question, and nearly drops his glass. 

“Why do you ask? Did he say something? Did he complain?”

Nie Mingjue scoffs, and rolls his eyes.

“He’s always complaining, you know him,” he says. “Every letter he writes home is a list of everything he’s unhappy with, and then he begs for money so he can buy snacks since they’re the only way he’ll survive his latest ordeal. I bet the moment he gets there this time, he’ll send me another letter begging me to rescue him. He’s a brat.”

Lan Xichen sighs deeply.

“He’s really unhappy in Gusu then, isn’t he?”

“And you don’t like that,” Nie Mingjue notes as his eyes narrow.

Unable to return his gaze, Lan Xichen has to look away, pretending the grey stone wall suddenly fascinates him.

“Of course not,” he concedes, trying his best to sound disappointed instead of hopeless. “Who enjoys knowing that their future spouse doesn’t like their home?”

“I think you’d find a lot of people don’t really care,” Nie Mingjue said. “Look at Jin-zongzhu or Wen-zongzhu, do you think it matters to them whether their wives are happy or not?”

“They’re hardly the sort of husbands I’d want to be,” Lan Xichen retorts with a grimace.

“I know, or else I’d have found a way to end the engagement already,” Nie Mingjue severely states. “I also would have done that if I really thought Huaisang wouldn’t be happy in the Cloud Recesses, but I know it’ll be a good place for him.”

Surprised to hear that, Lan Xichen can’t resist looking at him again. Nie Mingjue is not one for jokes, and his expression is serious enough to confirm he would have broken his brother’s engagement, no matter how badly he needs allies against the Wens.

“He just forces himself to hate it because he’s a brat,” Nie Mingjue goes on, rolling his eyes once more. “Well, and also because some people in your sect antagonised him from the start. He’s still upset he was sent to the women’s quarters, and I think he’ll never forgive the people responsible for that. It’s a shame. Before that incident, he was actually really impatient to meet you.”

“That sounds hard to believe.”

“And yet it’s true,” Nie Mingjue insists. “I don’t know if you remember, there was that one time you painted something for him, and asked me to give it to him. That was before the engagement was decided, I think.”

It feels like a lifetime ago, but Lan Xichen remembers that, yes. He’d been so desperate to show off to that boy he didn’t know, to reach out to someone he was so sure he’d get along with, since they shared a love for the arts. What a fool he’d been.

“He didn’t stop talking about it for weeks,” Nie Mingjue assures him, “and he was over the moon when our father announced he’d be marrying you. Father wisely left out how much your sect fought us on some details regarding Huaisang’s cultivation, so the brat just felt like the luckiest kid in the world. Maybe he’d have been, if Father hadn’t died so suddenly. Looking back on it, I regret sending Huaisang to the Cloud Recesses at that time. I should have waited to be sure Qiren would be there, he’s the only reasonable one in your sect. But what’s done is done, and your people sent Huaisang to live with the girls, and… well, he’s not the forgiving sort.”

“It was a regrettable mistake,” Lan Xichen says, though he privately wonders why it enraged Nie Huaisang so badly.

Of course some men think that everything feminine is below them, that any association with it will taint them, but Nie Huaisang has never struck Lan Xichen as someone who would think that way. Since Nie Huaisang is pretty rather than handsome, and more frail than anyone in his sect, perhaps he’s been mocked before for the way he looks… 

Or else, Lan Xichen is looking at this the wrong way. When that incident occurred, he wondered if people believed Nie Huaisang to be much younger than he truly was, and sent him where many young children still live, with the women. A boy of twelve might understand being mistaken for a girl, but he would never forgive anyone thinking he’s seven.

“I am really sorry this happened,” Lan Xichen says. “I had no idea it impacted him so badly. It was only a few days.”

“In his situation, you can imagine what those few days felt like.”

“What situation?”

Nie Mingjue startles at that innocent question, and stares at Lan Xichen as if he’s just grown a second head. And there it is again. That sensation there is something nobody is telling him.

More than once already, Lan Xichen has felt the edges of a secret surrounding Nie Huaisang. Except it is wrong to call it a secret. It feels instead like something everyone knows, which they assume everyone else knows as well, and that they refuse to speak about.

“Mingjue-xiong, what do you mean by Huaisang’s situation?” Lan Xichen insists.

It is probably rude to ask questions when clearly everyone else believes he doesn’t need to understand what’s happening. Just this once, Lan Xichen will be rude, then, if that’s the only way to save his future marriage.

“So they didn’t tell you,” Nie Mingjue mutters to himself. He looks shocked for a moment, and then angry. “Of course they didn’t tell you,” he scoffs. “They probably thought… and it can’t be me telling you.”

“Why not?” Lan Xichen asks. He’s being rude again. He doesn’t care. “If my own friend, my future brother-in-law won’t explain to me what’s going on with my future husband…”

“Xichen, I love you like a brother,” Nie Mingjue interrupts him. “There’s days I probably like you more than Huaisang, because he’s a brat and he drives me crazy. But at this point, the way things are, I can’t tell you. Huaisang would never forgive me.”

“At least you’d know why. He’s angry at me for something I cannot even understand!”

Nie Mingjue winces.

“Better you than me, Xichen. Besides, if I tell you he’ll just be mad at both of you. I keep telling you, he’s a brat.”

Regrettably, that does sound like something Nie Huaisang might do. He really is an unreasonable person. If he weren’t so pretty, and if he didn’t have such a charming smile, and that talent for painting, and a dozen other qualities, Lan Xichen would wash his hands off the whole business and give up on his future marriage.

Nie Mingjue awkwardly pats his shoulder.

“Listen, I’ll write to Huaisang, explain the situation. He’ll probably be willing to explain to you.”

“And if he isn’t?” Lan Xichen miserably asks.

“Then he’ll have to deal with me when he gets home, and he’ll find out he’s not the only unreasonable one in this family,” Nie Mingjue threatens. “I’ll spank him if that’s what it takes. I can let him ruin other people’s lives if he likes, but I’m not letting him do it to himself.”

All Lan Xichen can do is smile at his friend. Truth be told, he is convinced that things have been left to fester for too long. Nie Huaisang has decided to hate him, and nothing can change that. But it is comforting to know that Nie Mingjue feels sorry for him.

Lan Xichen tries to feel comforted.

When he fails to do so, he simply offers another topic to discuss. Nie Mingjue understands and allows the conversation to change.

-

They never talk again about Nie Huaisang in the entire month that Lan Xichen spends in Qinghe. If Nie Mingjue does write to his brother, he doesn’t see fit to inform his friend, who doesn’t ask anyway. Lan Xichen stays in the Unclean Realm longer than he had intended. He tells himself he is enjoying his best friend’s company, and that is not entirely a lie.

Still, all good things must end. After a few weeks, Lan Qiren writes to his nephew to ask that he go check an odd pattern of disappearances near the town of Caiyi. Lan Qiren cannot deal with it himself, as he must make his way to Qinghe for a conference, so it falls to his nephew to ensure everything is sorted out. It should be nothing challenging, likely some water ghosts, and yet the number of deaths demands prompt action. It will be an occasion for Lan Xichen to try out his skill at leadership.

On his way back to the Cloud Recesses, Lan Xichen makes a brief stop in Caiyi and promptly decides that things may be more serious than expected. As soon as he gets home, Lan Xichen recruits a few promising Lan juniors, only the best among them. That naturally includes his own brother.

It appears Lan Wangji has not had an easy time with their current selection of guests this year. It surprises Lan Xichen at first. His brother normally does not care about other people. But once he meets Wei Wuxian, sees the mischievous way that boy looks at Lan Wangji, he thinks he understands. A temper like that is sure to attract Lan Wangji’s attention, and Wei Wuxian is not unpleasant to look at, tall and lean. Poor Wangji.

Poor Lan Xichen as well, because Wei Wuxian is friends with Nie Huaisang, who trails behind him and Jiang Cheng when Lan Xichen introduces himself to them.

Nie Huaisang is still unbearably pretty. Lan Xichen still desperately wants to befriend him.

“Huaisang, will you also join this Night Hunt?” Lan Xichen asks after inviting the Jiang boys.

The question startles Nie Huaisang, who pinches his lips and glares at him.

“Oh, I just can’t. Da-ge wants me to study well this year,” he claims. “He even wrote to me to say I’ll be in trouble if I don’t pass. I really can’t let myself be distracted.”

Lan Xichen grows pale, then blushes. The message is clear: Nie Mingjue did write after all, but Nie Huaisang doesn’t care. He is still determined to dislike Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen smiles at him, and compliments him for being so determined to succeed. Nie Huaisang laughs, and says nothing.

There is nothing more to be said.

-

The Night Hunt in Caiyi Town is a disaster. Lan Xichen counts himself lucky that nobody died, nor was injured. Certainly young Su She lost his sword, but compared to what might have happened fighting a Waterborne Abyss… It’s a miracle they managed to get out, and it shows the amazing talent of some of these boys. Both Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji did particularly well, though this Night Hunt is not one they should boast about. Not when the Wens are so obviously behind it.

For the few weeks that follow, Lan Xichen busies himself with the mess surrounding that Waterborne Abyss. The drainage of that portion of the lake must be organised, any corpse found must be purified, long negotiations are necessary with the locals so they’ll accept losing part of the lake on which they depend for an entire decade. Even when he gets to be home for a few days, Lan Xichen has to make reports to his uncle, verbally at first, then on paper so every detail of the incident is recorded for future generations.

On those rare occasions he is in the Cloud Recesses, Lan Xichen occasionally sees Nie Huaisang in the distance. He never tries to talk to him. Even if he had time for it, which he doesn’t, what would be the point? Nie Huaisang has made his feelings clear. Lan Xichen will not try to force love to bloom where it cannot exist.

He will not be his father.

Then one day Lan Xichen comes home from Caiyi Town and learns that Wei Wuxian has been sent home. To his surprise it is not his equivocal attitude toward Lan Wangji that caused his expulsion, but a fight with Jin Zixuan, regarding that boy’s engagement to Jiang Yanli. To add to the shame of the Jiang sect, that engagement was cancelled as a result, because Jiang Fengmian didn’t want his daughter to marry someone unwilling.

All this, Lan Xichen hears from an older Lan boy, while they walk through the Cloud Recesses. That boy, a distant cousin, had grabbed Lan Xichen the moment he saw him and insisted on sharing that important information, which in Lan dialect means ‘listen to that new gossip you just have to know’.

“Jiang Fengmian is a fool for breaking that engagement,” the Lan cousin concludes. “His daughter will never get another chance like that.”

“I certainly hope she doesn’t,” Lan Xichen replies. “A boy who doesn’t like her, who feels he can get away with insulting her in front of her relatives! Arranged marriages are a terrible thing.”

“I suppose you’re not exactly lucky either. Nie Huaisang is an even worse partner than Jiang Yanli.”

“I am personally very happy with the choice that was made for me,” Lan Xichen hotly retorts. “And yet happy as I am, I’d rather not marry someone unwilling.”

As soon as the words are out, he knows he’s said too much. He’s not particularly close to this cousin of his, nor does he exactly like him. If he wasn’t exhausted from dealing with the Waterborne Abyss, if he wasn’t so upset that anyone could think he’s like Jin Zixuan, then Lan Xichen would never have spoken this way, least of all in public. His cousin looks at him with an air of judgement that Lan Xichen definitely doesn’t like. Then, all of a sudden, that older boy notices something behind Lan Xichen and blushes.

Lan Xichen turns around.

A little distance from them stands Nie Huaisang.

He is just far enough that, if he were a normal person, he could not have heard them. But Nie Huaisang is a cultivator. His red face and the way he stares at Lan Xichen leave no doubt as to whether he’s overheard that conversation or not. Lan Xichen can only stare back. He is too tired to defend himself. Nie Huaisang meets his eyes for a second, frowns, and runs away.

“What a weirdo,” the Lan cousin mutters.

“Mind how you speak about the future Lan furen,” Lan Xichen snaps, before abandoning his cousin.

He must go make a report to his uncle.

This, at least, is something he can still control.

-

Perhaps some of Lan Xichen exhaustion showed when he spoke to his uncle because Lan Qiren, after hearing about the progress in Caiyi Town, ordered his nephew to take a full day of rest. Lan Xichen tried to protest. The order was repeated. Lan Xichen gave in.

Rest, Lan Xichen decides the following morning, means staying home and meditating. He looks forward to it, finds a pleasant and sunny spot in the garden, sits down… and hears a knock on the front door. He could ignore it, but that would be rude, and maybe someone needs urgent help, so Lan Xichen reluctantly abandons his ray of sunlight to check on his visitor.

He’s shocked to find Nie Huaisang on his doorstep, holding a pouch with the same candies he brought last year.

“Peace offering?” he mumbles as he offers them to Lan Xichen. “I… I was hoping we could talk.”

Without a word, Lan Xichen invites him inside. Nie Huaisang shyly steps in, his eyes looking everywhere around the room except at his fiancé. Lan Xichen waits for Nie Huaisang to talk. When that doesn’t happen, he offers some tea, which is immediately refused.

“I don’t think it’ll take very long,” Nie Huaisang nervously explains, shifting from one foot to the other. “It’s just, Da-ge wrote to me while you were visiting him, and he said… and I didn’t believe him of course, because it’s stupid. It’s so stupid! How could I believe him, right?”

Nie Huaisang glances at Lan Xichen, blushes, and starts pacing in front of him.

“You have to know. They have to have told you. I’ve seen how you are! I know that you know! You have to know!”

“But I don’t,” Lan Xichen tiredly states. “Until your brother and I spoke, I wasn’t even sure there was anything I was meant to know.”

Interrupting his pacing for a moment, Nie Huaisang stares at him in disbelief.

“You know that… that I could have your child?” he asks, growing agitated.

“Yes, something about that was in the marriage contract,” Lan Xichen confirms, a little puzzled. “I think it was in that part regarding allowing you to practice certain Nie techniques even after we’re married? I have wondered about that, but I didn’t want to ask about secret dual cultivation methods.”

Dual cultivation can be mundane, or it can be downright weird. Lan Xichen has read up about it, out of academic curiosity mostly, but also because he is eighteen, and still in love with his very pretty fiancé. He thought that understanding why his body has certain reactions meant he couls learn better self-control, but so far it has mostly made everything… much harder.

Still, Lan Xichen has read everything there is to read about dual cultivation between men. There are ways to create a child even like that, although it is convoluted, expensive, and in general adoption is a much better option. Still, Lan Xichen wouldn’t mind trying for a child. He has fantasised about it, at least early into their engagement. These days, he barely dares to dream of a future where Nie Huaisang tolerates him enough to tolerate holding hands.

A pathetic enough fantasy, as far as these things go, but it can’t be helped.

“It’s, uh, it’s something like that,” Nie Huaisang mumbles, staring with round eyes. “It’s. Uh. So you really don’t know? All this time, they just didn’t tell you? But you… I mean, I thought you were interested in me last year…”

“I was,” Lan Xichen replies quickly, his face burning. “I still am, but I’ve realised how unwelcome it was. Until you made it clear that you disliked being engaged to me, I hadn’t really paused to think that some… That is, that most men would not enjoy being engaged to another man. I’m very sorry that I made you uncomfortable.”

“Uh,” Nie Huaisang says with a nervous giggles.

He suddenly resumes his pacing, much more quickly than before.

“I didn’t expect that!” he squeaks. “I thought you were just hoping I’d change. I mean, Da-ge says your father is clearly hoping for it! And those other Lan elders too, and I know it’s a laughing topic for some people in other sects who suspect! So I was sure, I was so sure! But then Da-ge wrote and said maybe you didn’t know, and I should talk to you.”

“Hoping that you’d change what?” Lan Xichen asks, feeling dizzy from watching Nie Huaisang walk back and forth like this.

Thankfully that’s the moment Nie Huaisang chooses to stop again. He takes a deep breath, stands as tall as he can (which is no longer taller than Lan Xichen, who has caught up to him after all), squares his shoulders, and glares at his fiancé.

“Well,” Nie Huaisang says, proudly lifting his chin. “You see, if I’d been born anywhere other than Qinghe Nie, then I would have had to be a girl.”

Lan Xichen stares right back at him. He thinks, for a moment, that it must be a joke. But Nie Huaisang’s expression is deadly serious, and he looks ready to cry if he hears a single wrong word.

“I’m not sure I quite understand,” Lan Xichen says. “You… why would they think you’re a girl? You don’t look like one.”

A nervous giggle escapes Nie Huaisang’s lips.

“That’s because… I have to use special cultivation techniques, you see,” he quickly explains. “And I take certain pills as well, so that it’s more of a boy’s body. But ultimately it’s still… it’s still not so much of a boy’s body that I couldn’t bear a child if necessary, you understand?”

Lan Xichen doesn’t understand, but he nods anyway.

“But I’m really a boy,” Nie Huaisang adds, sounding defensive now. “I’m definitely a boy. Ever since I’ve been old enough to show any preference, I’ve always been a boy. And I won’t stop being one. Even if you asked me to dress and act like a girl…”

“I wouldn’t do that!” Lan Xichen protests. “Why would I, since you say you’re a boy?”

“When the engagement was first discussed, your sect wanted to demand that I stop being a boy after the marriage,” Nie Huaisang explains, sounding truly distressed now. “They said things like that don’t exist in Gusu Lan, and I’d need to conform to my new sect, like any bride would. My father refused, and your uncle took his side, but a lot of Lan elders still weren’t very happy with this. I mean, they did put me in the women’s quarters the first time I came to study…”

“So that’s what that was about,” Lan Xichen gasps.

He remembers how furious Lan Qiren was over what Lan Xichen had been given to mistake for an honest error. He also recalls how jumpy and nervous Nie Huaisang was his entire first year, refusing to mix in with the Lans, rejecting all of Lan Xichen’s offers of friendship. At the time it had seemed to be the result of being away from home for the first time in his life, the trauma of his father’s violent death, fear for his brother, and no small dose of the usual difficulty most guest students had with adapting to Gusu Lan’s struct rules. This would have been bad enough, and it all probably played a role as well, but to deal with those problems and then also fear being forced to live as something one isn’t…

“This entire thing is horrible!” Lan Xichen exclaims, so caught up in being disappointed by his clan’s elders that he doesn’t notice the way Nie Huaisang tenses and goes pale. “Are there others like you? Is it a common thing? Do you think some Lan disciples might be suffering in silence?"

He isn’t close enough to anyone in the boys' quarters, his brother excepted, for others to confide in him about something as confidential as cultivating like Nie Huaisang is. And of course he's never been in the women's quarters, except to see a great-aunt once or twice when he'd been very young, so he’d know even less if young disciples there were in Nie Huaisang’s situation. But just because Lan Xichen doesn’t know of anyone going through this doesn't mean nobody is that way. 

"There could be one or two," Nie Huaisang mumbles. "Or maybe not. Even in Qinghe Nie it is rare, no more than one or two in a generation, and not even in every generation. But we keep the tradition alive anyway, because our founder was… he was like me." 

"I didn't know." 

"Obviously we don't tell outsiders," Nie Huaisang scoffs with another nervous giggle. "We get enough crap about being descended from a butcher, imagine if someone like Jin Guangshan found out our founder was also someone he'd consider a woman! But it's like that. When our founder's husband died he took over the business, raised his children, and learned cultivation, and figured out it just wasn't right to be a woman. He also created some of the techniques I still use."

"That's amazing," Lan Xichen says, touched that Nie Huaisang would share with him a secret he says is kept from outsiders. "I wonder… maybe once we're married, you'll be able to help if there’s anyone in Gusu Lan who is in your situation? Would you want that?"

Nie Huaisang tilts his head. He still looks ready to fight, but the tears threatening to spill from his eyes have disappeared.

"Hm. When we're married, will you send me to the women's quarters?"

Lan Xichen doesn’t even need to think about it before he shakes his head.

"You'll be the sect heir's husband, someday the sect leader's husband. A man must live among men. Of course we will both need to go to the women's quarters sometimes as part of our duties, but I will not make you live there. It would make no sense, since you’re a man."

Nie Huaisang relaxes, and Lan Xichen frowns. 

"You really thought… well, I suppose we gave you reason enough,” Lan Xichen sighs. “Sending you to the women's quarters… And then there was that business with Jin Zixun, too… I feel so stupid, I had no idea what he meant back then.”

“But you do now,” Nie Huaisang mumbles. “You must regret the way you stood up for me…”

“I certainly don’t,” Lan Xichen retorts. “And I hope he did not give you more trouble after that. I should have been more careful. If he bothered you again…”

Nie Huaisang shyly grins as he shakes his head.

“He did not. He was only suspicious of me because of some gossip he’d heard. You sounded so sure of yourself when you said that I was a boy, I think you managed to convince him. Everyone knows that Lan disciples don’t lie.”

“Then I’m glad I was able to help, at least.”

That shy grin on Nie Huaisang’s face turns into a true smile. It is as warm as the sunlight in Lan Xichen’s garden.

“Well, I’m glad we sorted all this out,” Nie Huaisang says. “I was really nervous about talking to you, I’m not going to lie. Although, since we’re talking about awkward things, there’s also…”

Awkward doesn’t even begin to cover it, and yet Lan Xichen is glad Nie Huaisang decided to explain himself.

Nie Mingjue was right, it isn’t something that should be explained by an outsider. But Lan Xichen also understands why Nie Huaisang didn’t tell him earlier, considering how other Lans have treated him. 

He hopes he’ll be worthy of that trust.

“So, there’s this other issue,” Nie Huaisang says with an embarrassed cough. “Like I said, my body… that is, it’s not like the body most men have. So there’s a chance it won’t be… you might not find it attractive. After all, you liked me before knowing about… all this, so… so what you prefer might not be… If you like men, you may not…”

“I’m not sure I like men in general,” Lan Xichen pensively replies. “Or women in general either, for that matter. I like certain people, not… certain bodies, if that makes sense? You are who you are, so the rest is… I’ll just have to read up on different types of dual cultivation than I’d researched so far.” He stops, realises what he said, and blushes. “Not that I… you… of course, I wouldn’t dare to presume you’d even want to…”

“I’m fine with it,” Nie Huaisang quickly says, his cheeks colouring a little. “If you are, of course.”

“I’m very. I’m fine with it too,” Lan Xichen replies, trying to sound cool and indifferent but failing miserably. “It'll just… be a little different from what I expected. But if it's you, that's all that matters.”

Before Lan Xichen can react, Nie Huaisang giggles and steps closer, raising himself on his tiptoes to press a shy kiss to his fiancé’s cheek, before quickly jumping back.

“I think it’ll work out, yes,” Nie Huaisang agrees, nervously laughing. “I think… I think if it’s you, it’s all that matters for me too.”

A foolish grin forces its way on Lan Xichen’s lips while he brings one hand to his cheek, trying to capture the brief warmth that still lingers there. It is everything he ever wanted.

Almost everything.

There is still one more thing, far more important to him than bodies could ever be. Nearly half a lifetime of waiting cultiminates in this precise moment, when Lan Xichen takes a deep breath to say the words he’s dreamed of since he was thirteen.