#jassiestamp

Y'all seemed to enjoy the last post. So here are the other two old pics I've got of these dorks tolerating each other fiercely.

My wife just told me "You're the only person in this house who does Bucky Barnes eyeliner."

I told her I didn't know how to make goals anymore because nothing matters.

She tried to get me to get passion about some things I used to care about- income inequality and queer rights. I told her money was an obsolete thing to worry about because the world is dying and that queer rights had once been a battlefield over acceptance or assimilation, but as a group we'd allowed white men who wanted to adopt babies and bring them around the country club to steal all our voices and I really wasn't all that interested in lending my voice so we could just "fit in"

She called me a nihilist and I told her no. Because nihlists have the good fortune of not caring. I care a lot. I wish I could be a nihlist.

I likened it to when I was a teenager, everyone used to call me goth. But I was never goth. I was just a few years early for emo. And emo and a goth are very different things, even though their venn diagrams interlap. If you didn't know what an emo was, upon seeing one you might mistake it for a goth. But once you were informed of the differences, it became very clear that these are two distinct things.

I've tried reading nietzsche. I couldn't connect. I say I'm hopeless now, but the truth is, the world is just another turn or two away from taking something else from me that I didn't know I had.

We tried to talk about hope. I compared her endless wella of hope to a California farm. She was a master farmer picking fruit from one of the most fertile lands on earth. I told her I was a dirt farmer in Oklahoma. And she told me there were other ways of farming. I could grow hope hydroponically. Then she told me maybe I hadn't found the right person to help me farm.

I just laughed. She means i need a good psychatrist and a good therapist.

It has been my experience that those things don't exist.

I told her that she was blaming me for my own hopelessness and that it hurt because she has been with me through all of my shitty therapists and less than helpful psychiatrists. Through IOP and outpatient rehab. She's been through it all and still has hope that someday, somehow, I'll find a therapist who actually wants to do their job with me instead of jerking me around and billing my insurance.

Maybe I am a nihilist, because that DOES seem impossible.

She did end up getting me to care about things in the end. We got to talking about how fun it would be to go to a couple of different comedy festivals we've always wanted to visit. And she said why not have them be goals?

The real problem with those as goals of course, is that either the world won't survive long enough for that to actually happen, or I'll just never be successful enough to ever take a vacation like that. (I've been on two vacations in my whole life- one to a nearby island for my engagement and one for my honeymoon)

But what the fuck? It IS such a nice thought. I spent so long writing down goals that I didn't really care about but i thought I could accomplish. Why not write a bunch of goals that I'll never accomplish but sound nice.

So I said "can we double team someone while we're there?"

Which I thought she would be annoyed with me for asking. But she was down.

Today is my 5th wedding anniversary.

My wife and I have been together for nearly 22 years (since high school) but you know how it goes when you have to wait for the rest of society to catch up with your love.

She's been my rock through the hardest of times- including the absolute clusterfuck that is this year. Shes the person I cry to amd the person I can't wait to tell good news to. I literally don't think I could survive without her and to everyone who would call that co-dependent all I have to say is... So what?

I used to feel a lot of guilt over the fact that I could not live without with person, but the truth is the whole world is codependent on each other.

I am madly passionately in love with this person- not a day goes by when they don't get more beautiful in my eyes and if I'm a sap for celabrating that? So be it. I'm happy to be a sappy old married lady with the best spouse in the world.

Thank you, Love, for always up with me, for loving me when I couldn't love myself, for seeing something in me that I still dont really understand but am grateful for all the same.