#jarct

2015 was...a rough year for me, to say the least.

sometimes i go through the entries i made randomly throughout the year in my mobile journal, and when i’m experiencing a high instead of a low, i can’t even recognize myself. there were times in 2015 when things got..really bad, and i wasn’t sure i was going to make it. and i’m pretty sure, looking back at those times now, that if i hadn’t reached out to the people i knew who loved me and supported me unconditionally...i don’t like to think about it, because i don’t think i would be here right now to write this. it’s honestly pretty scary.

but that’s life.

i’m pausing to think about what i’m going to write here, and i don’t even know where to begin.

i don’t remember much of 2015 except for the really bad parts, and some of the really good parts.

i’m so, so thankful to my friends for having them in my life: without you guys, i would have been lost. i would have wasted away and i would have stopped fighting, and i don’t think many of my friends realize the amount of impact they have on me. whenever things get hard, and i get so, so, tired and tempted to just..to just, stop, i think of them. i think of everyone cheering me on and encouraging me, and i get the energy to keep going, because i force myself. i don’t, i don’t want to disappoint my friends and my family. it’s simply not an option in my mind.

a part of 2015 that really stood out for me was my externship.

now, if you know me in real life, you probably know how i felt about that experience. i was able to learn about myself, and honestly, i think that’s the time when i came to terms with the conditions i’m facing and what i’m going through. that’s when i learned that it’s ok to talk about what you’re feeling to other people. you’re not alone, and you don’t have to hide. i learned it’s ok to tell people that you’re not up to doing something, and that it’s ok to love yourself. it’s not being selfish, or arrogant -- it’s taking care of yourself.

that’s the time when i learned to be proud of myself for waking up the next morning, for taking a shower, for cleaning my room. those days were, literally and figuratively, dark for me. i don’t like to talk or think about it much, but i can acknowledge that they’ve made me stronger. they’ve molded me.

2015 has also forced me to face the monsters that are very real and present in my life: i’ve come to terms with the fact that, yes, i most likely have SAD and, yes, i most likely have anxiety and panic attacks. 2015 is the year when i relearned how to speak up for myself and how to say no; how to tell people what i was feeling and using words instead of fists and steady conversations instead of screams to solve problems. i learned to confront people sooner than later, to address problems before they grew in size.

i’ve matured, and i’m proud.

i can feel the love that i have available for giving swelling in my heart sometimes, and that’s why i love to go out of my way to help others: because i know, i, know, what it feels like to have no one ask how you are. i know what it feels like to be ignored in a conversation, to be spoken over, to be pushed aside. to be small.

and i never, never want anyone i know to have to go through that if i can help it.

i want everyone to know that what they have to say is equally as important as the next person’s; that everyone deserves a place in a conversation, and that you are never not important.

but for 2016,

i need to learn to love myself before loving others. i need to learn to take care of myself and to not take things so personally; to understand that not everyone can read my mind and predict what i want. i need to learn to be more independent and to not rely on others so much; to not burden others with my problems as much.

i want to grow, learn, and experience more.