Top Posts Tagged with #jamesdottxt

Hey, why do you think you can't medically transition? Can you not get your hands on DIY testosterone? There's lots of places online where you can buy it for relatively cheap

it’s less about getting access to hrt and more of having to betray and probably get disowned by my entire extended family in order to get it. i’m just not in a safe position to go stealth. i was born and raised and currently live in a very republican/maga town in one of the worst states to be trans in and i have no actual way out and likely won’t for a while due to other health concerns

it’s also just a scary time generally to be openly trans right now i think (again especially because of where i live) and unfortunately im not brave enough to stand for myself

but it’s mostly my own fault really because i am a #cowardddd and i honestly prefer to just be closeted if it means i don’t let anyone down

edit - also i still cosplay as a girl in public and no matter what i get weird looks/insulted/recorded/etc. even when i’m wearing my most androgynous/fem clothes or makeup it’s like everyone just knows there’s something off about me. probably cis people’s equivalent of uncanny valley LMFAO point is i dont think transitioning would help with the Weird treatment i tend to get publicly anyways (and probably make it actively worse). people are weird to me even when i try to be a girl on purpose i just know it’ll get worse if i give any sort of actual leverage to them by transitioning. it feels like im just giving them a real reason to be awful to me on a silver platter

#jamesdottxt #if i could go stealth i would but im just not in any position to rn #its a shame they made faking your death and changing your identity so hard these days

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yeah i think being closeted for over a decade and not being able to transition is actually what’s causing about 80% of my general turmoil but i literally can’t do anything about it and its maybe killing me i feel like a rotting corpse that keeps trying to kill itself and only gets magically reanimated every time it tries

#jamesdottxt #dysphoria cw #long tags ; venting #i just cry and cry and cry every day LOL #i know im the worst version of myself because i cant be the version id like to be #ive known im like this since before i even had words #i was 4 years old trying to convince myself that i didnt have a dick because it would grow later #i would shove toilet paper into my underwear to make a fake bulge when i was like. under 10 #i would always put my hair in a ponytail because if i angled my head just right in the mirror it looked like a short hairstyle #i didnt even consider i could be trans until i was like 11 #and there was never any big emotional ‘omg THIS is what i am’ moment #it was more of just ‘huh. i feel like that sometimes’#and being a closeted pre t teenager online was fine because theres so many other pre t closeted trans kids #but like im 20 now and everyone my age is able to transition and i cant #and im jealous and bitter. and upset that i feel jealous and bitter #my mom said the other day i’m not a boy and i literally just started crying at the dinner table #nobody noticed at least but fuck man. fuck #every day i feel like im dying #every weird look i get in the bathrooms every ‘what even are you’ i get every slur thrown at me #i try to not let it get me. but it gets me. im going to die a stupid pathetic girl #i wish i was brave enough to live as myself

yeah keep on hosting interventions for me guys i’m sure i’ll quit cold turkey and immediately recover after the 13th time (where you provide no real help) this month

#jamesdottxt #my family looooooves being like ‘we are CONCERNED. and WORRIED.’#and then im like Ok so what are you going to do to help me #and then theyre like Ummm what ? what even does that mean even ?

im aromantic but i get what i like to call “butch crushes” on ppl sometimes where i don’t necessarily want to date them or anything like that but i just want to like. Take care of them. cook them dinner and help clean around the house and get rid of bugs even though it scares me and defend them and buy them whatever they want and just like be there for them in that way yknow………. like my love language is being useful to you…….. Let me be useful to you………..

#jamesdottxt #being on painkillers has turned me so sappy omg #at least i’m almost out so i’ll go back to being an edgy jaded 12 year old in a 20 year old’s body #idk ive been really exploring my lesbian-ness recently #and i love . being butch #like omg i want to protect girls and femmes and other butches and studs and everyone #i need.!!! to be there!!!!!!!! for!!!!!! lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!!!

every time i talk about being a kid during the og brony fandom craze online with other people my age they usually talk about how the mature content in the fandom like traumatized them and freaked them out as kids and it makes me feel like there was probably something wrong with me because i ate that shit up. i LOVED grimdark fics and smile HD and pony.mov and fiw and cupcakes and all the parodies and horrible sfm animations of the horses making out like i look back on them so fondly because of nostalgia😭😭😭

#jamesdottxt #i don’t even mean this in a IM NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS 😏 way #like i was a weird little freak as a kid it’s a miracle i ended up as normal as i am now #(don’t even. don’t say anything okay. ALL THINGS CONSIDERED i could be much worse than i am)#but like idk the content Did freak me out but i liked it LMFAO #i liked the thrill of looking at stuff i knew i wasn’t allowed to #i think that was most of it #i loved weird youtube corners because of it #i feel fantastic dhmis treatsforbeasts llamas with hats etc etc #like there was just something about cheap cartoon gore that really scratched an itch in 9 year old me’s mind #and that’s probably why i am the way i am today #ohh wait i just connected dots #i think i literally got into that stuff because A. edgy and B. it was associated with bronies. men #and ive literally aligned myself with masculinity/men since i was conscious #like before i even had the words to do it i was doing it #and i hated all things feminine in classic ‘tomboy’ nature #and i felt too girly for liking mlp. so what’s the solution? i gotta like it how a man likes it!!!!#EVERY DAY I HAVE A MOMENT OF REALIZATION LIKE THAT. i don’t think ive ever not been trans

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ok being on painkillers is only fun for the first like 24 hours im beginning to grow tired of feeling like my brain is melting out of my ears while i have a stroke

#jamesdottxt #these kidney stones are genuinely beating me to death #i can feel myslef getting stupider #it feels so good in my body but i don’t like that i can’t think in my head #i can’t believe my options are Be in pain 24/7 but have a clear mind OR no pain and no mind

you know what i may have spent my 20th birthday in the hospital doubled over in pain and missed going to my favorite restaurant. BUT jack quaid wished me a happy birthday and also i got prescribed the good kind of opioids so was it really even a bad day?

#jamesdottxt

fuck my entire stupid life

#jamesdottxt #CAN’T STOP CRYING PART 2 #everything huurtssss #i’m just gonna write this years birthday off #we can try again in like 5 years maybe

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