#jamesbuchananbarnesxreader

I know I could have been a better man

But I always had to have the upper hand

I'm struggling to see the better side of me

Bucky sighed in frustration, a scream of anger leaving his mouth as he threw his beer bottle at the wall. It shattered everywhere, as he growled. He should've been better for you. Countless times he should have just stopped. Should've let you win the argument, should've let you take care of him, should've let you in. 

Bucky saw himself as a monster.

He was a real monster. No, no longer was the Winter Soldier the monster. He, James Buchanan Barnes, was the monster. He hurt you so many times. How the hell could you have stayed with him for three years, three years of him pushing you away. How could you have told him repeatedly he was just trying to protect himself, that he was good, pure. Bucky truly couldn't see this good side you'd always talked about.

But I can't take all your jabs and taunts

You're pointing out my every fault

And you wonder why I walked away

But you got fed up. Anybody would get fed up when their boyfriend of three years was pushing you away as far as refusing to let you kiss him. 

"You're ridiculous!" You yelped one day, your teary eyes filled with rage as you watched Bucky's back tense, "Stop pushing me away! I get that you've experienced traumatic things. We all have Buck, but don't suffer in silence!"

"I'm not," He grumbled, turning to face you.

"You are!" You snapped, "You're self-centered, you think you're protecting others by pushing them away, but you're just hurting more people! I get your pain Bucky, I get that you feel unworthy of love, and you feel you're a wreck, but damn it let me show you otherwise!"

"I'm not the wreck," Bucky snarled, "You are."

When you tell me I'm a wreck

You say that I'm a mess

How could you expect anything less?

You latched onto me

Then cried I strung you along

"She's just such a mess," Bucky grumbled to Steve directly as the group all sat around in Stark tower, "I mean she's been dragging me along for three years now as if she doesn't see she's not stable enough for a relationship."

"Weren't you the one that asked her out?" Wanda jumped into the conversation, defending you, "If you're unhappy, leave her. She's done nothing but support you."

"That's beside the point," Bucky rolled his eyes, taking another swig of his beer. He was desperate to hide his pain at the fact that you'd already left, "She's a complete wreck. She never does anything besides cling to me. She's not the girl I got with. All she does is criticize me about how I'm not good enough for her and blah, blah, blah."

But Steve saw right through his best friend's façade. Steve was overly aware of the way Bucky's grip tightened on the beer bottle, and his heart sped up. He knew Bucky was trying to project all the horrible things he'd done to you as if he was only defending himself. And Steve knew that sooner or later, Bucky was going to become the man he should've been for you, only it was too late now.

I told you when you asked

I knew this wouldn't last

At least I could be honest about that

And now you're telling everyone

How I only did you wrong

I guess you never knew me at all

You stared at Bucky with tear-stained cheeks, your packed bags at your feet, as the man across the room from you was frantically trying to fix things. You shook your head as a sob left his lips while he bolted towards you, desperate to keep you in his life, never expecting you to leave him.

"Please, (y/n)... doll... please. This is gonna work. Just give me time. I'll go to therapy. I'll fix this. This can work again."

"James," You whimpered, pulling your hands out of his, "This was never gonna last."

It was only days later that Bucky was at the small party at Stark Tower, criticizing and talking about you in a way that had the other members wondering if Bucky had ever actually met you.

Remember on my 21st birthday

You took me where we went on our first date

We stayed 'til closing time, after 4 glasses of wine

You started with a pointless argument

You said that I forgot to compliment

The dress you wore that night

That I've seen a thousand times

You smiled at Bucky softly, admiring the way his long hair framed his face. You'd suggested a few times that he should cut it, that maybe it'd help him feel farther away from the Winter Soldier and more like himself. He refused, and you couldn't say you were upset. You loved his long hair. 

You sipped on your wine before speaking up, "Thank you for this, Bucky."

"Mmhm," He hmphed, downing his entire glass of wine, "Sure thing."

Your lips tugged down at his lack of attentiveness. It frustrated you. He was always this way now. Never fully there with you. Your eyes drifted down, and you remembered you were wearing the dark blue dress Bucky had got you for your birthday a few years back.

"Don't you like my dress, Buck? You haven't said anything."

"Here we go," Bucky groaned.

"What?" You snapped, "I was just asking if you noticed the dress--"

"Yea, of course, I did. I've seen it a thousand times. It's the one Steve you for Christmas."

You frowned deeply, your lips pressed together tightly as your eyes darted around the room, desperately trying to fight off tears. You wanted to tell Bucky that it was the dress he got you, for your birthday, but you took this as a signal of him having a bad day and let it slide.

But I think we just want different things

I want space, you want a diamond ring

Whatever made you think we were meant to be?

Bucky gripped his hair tightly, looking down at the small velvet-covered case that sat on your bed. He'd been so sure during your relationship that he wanted space. That he wanted you far away from him so he could ensure that you were safe. But now that you were gone, that you had been gone for multiple months, he wished he would've given you the one thing you had wanted.

He remembered all those nights you'd talk to him about the future. Asking him what kind of house he'd like, who his groomsmen would be if you ever got married. He knew you wanted to marry him, and truthfully, Bucky wanted to marry you too, but he needed space from you. He wished now, more than ever, that he would've manned up and proposed to you, because just maybe that could've fixed things. 

But Bucky knew better, he knew that a perfect woman like you deserved more than a monster like him. He groaned in frustration, wondering what had made you believe that you and he could work out.

Still I see you standing there

Waiting 'round for me to fall

Girl you must be crazy

Still believing you and me belong

I guess you never knew me at all

You were gone. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned into a year. You'd disappeared from Bucky's life, though he knew you were still in New York, as he often overheard Wanda talking about the time you two would spend together. 

He waited patiently, figuring you would cave in. He figured his beloved doll would come back to him, that she'd always come back to him. Because for the first time since you'd gotten together, Bucky wanted to let you in. He wanted to make this relationship work. But it was too late.

It was too late when he saw you at one of Stark's much larger parties, standing happily with Wanda and Pietro. Your head was tossed back in laughter as you stood between the twins, who were laughing along with you. 

Bucky was too late. And he realized at that moment, seeing you glowing in a way you should've been doing next to him. He must have been crazy forever believing that the two of you could work.

"N-no... it's fine, Sam. I just... I guess I never expected us to actually end," You sighed, your head dropping as a few tears fell, "I guess I just figured at one of these damn Stark parties, he'd gather the courage to talk to me again."

Sam frowned, listening to your sniffle as he pulled you into his chest. He could feel his heart breaking along with yours, never considering that you still loved Bucky, that you still believed it could work. Sam's arms tightened around your crying frame as he realized that it might've been a bad idea to come to visit you after all.

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

After Sam left, you were left alone to wallow in your pain. Wanda and Pietro had gone MIA roughly four months ago now, Vision leaving with them. Of course, Wanda had attempted to keep in contact with you, calling once or twice a month to update you. It confused you on why she had left, why she'd failed to tell you about Bucky and his... his wife. It was so unlike her to withhold something this big from you, and you blamed yourself for appearing unprepared to hear this news to the telepathic girl.

And it was stupid, oh it was so, so stupid. But you felt like you quite literally couldn't control yourself. Before your mind even seemed to catch up with your body, you were driving to the address Sam had given you, a fresh batch of Bucky's favorite cookies sitting in your passenger seat, still warm.

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it

I had hoped you'd see my face

And that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over

It was only when you knocked on the door that your mind seemed to return to you. You panicked, contemplating the idea of setting down the cookies and running back to the car, but before you could do anything, the door was opening, and you were suddenly facing none other than Bucky Barnes.

Emotions slammed through you so quickly that you couldn't process them, leaving you to simply stare at Bucky's shocked face. He'd cut his hair, and as much as you missed his long hair, you realized that short hair suited him too. His silver arm was gone, replaced by a beautiful black and gold one, making you realize, gold suited Bucky well too.

"I uhm..." You stuttered, your face heating up, "My mom always told me it was bad luck to not give newlyweds a present... so I made these for you."

Bucky looked down to the plate of his favorite cookies in your hands. Not just his favorite cookies, but his favorite cookies made by you. He remained silent, though he couldn't deny that just the sight of them had his stomach rumbling. Memories of all the times you'd made those cookies for him flashed through his mind, and he fought off the urge to smile.

"I... Sam told me, and gave me your address," You mumbled softly, your gaze staying on Bucky, "I know it's wrong of me... to show up uninvited and unexpected but... I just, I felt I needed to do this."

Bucky nodded softly, his first sign of any emotion as he pulled the door open more, revealing his full-frame and taking the plate as you held it forward. The moment the door opened, a white cat dashed to your feet, circling them and meowing up at you. You reached down, petting the cat a few times before Bucky cleared his throat.

"Why'd you come?"

His tone was soft, so much softer than you remembered. You shrugged slightly, looking away from the man before you, your gaze landing on the lake not too far away. How'd things come to this? How did one year apart turn into four? How did the two of you brooding in your break-up lead to him moving on?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you, too

"Don't forget me, " I beg

I remember you said

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

"I... wanted to wish you the best in your marriage," Your voice shook slightly, but you pressed on, "I wanted you... I didn't want you to... just... don't forget me."

Tears filled your eyes, and you didn't dare look back at the man whose property you were on, completely uninvited. You should've moved on, you thought harshly. You felt that you should've moved on long ago, accepted one of those dates the twins had relentlessly tried setting you upon. You should've tried to find someone like Bucky... but you knew that wasn't what you wanted. You didn't want someone like Bucky you just wanted Bucky.

Bucky gulped nervously, his hands gripping the plate of cookies quite tightly as he watched his cat roll at your feet. Alpine wasn't that friendly with anyone except Bucky the cat wasn't even that friendly with his wife. Bucky took a deep breath, stepping back into his house and calling for Alpine softly. He frowned at you, not missing the tear that rolled down your cheek or the way you tried to hide it. He was conflicted. He thought he was happy with his wife. He thought he'd finally moved on, but now here you were. 

"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

You know how the time flies

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

We were born and raised in a summer haze

Bound by the surprise of our glory days

You'd bound off the steps so quickly you were surprised you hadn't fallen. You weren't sure if Bucky had closed the door or watched you leave. You just knew you had to get out of there. 

Things change. That's what life is. Life doesn't stop for anyone, it keeps going and changing, but you never thought it would change so quickly. It seemed like just yesterday you were dating Bucky for the first time, slapping the super-soldier with a pillow because you insisted he "didn't know how to have fun". It was just yesterday that you were making love for the first time, talking about your future, going on adventures, and forgiving that man because you knew he was the love of your life.

Looking back, it seemed like a summer haze. Your relationship with Bucky was beautiful and warm, it was spring and winter. The breakup was autumn, slowly falling and becoming barren. But now... now was winter. Now was a cold, dark winter that would be never-ending because how could you move on from Bucky? Bucky wasn't the type of person you move on from.

You sped home, surely breaking all the speed limits and not even sure if you stopped for any stop signs as you cried your heart out. You wanted to be strong. You wanted to move on and find someone like Bucky. But there wasn't anyone like Bucky. Bucky was a once-in-a-lifetime man, a man that got away.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

You were fairly sure that you woke up all your neighbors with how hard you slammed your door when you got home. Nothing mattered, not right now, not while you were finally grieving the loss of your relationship. How could you feel your heart breaking? The pieces were shattering so loudly that you clamped your hands over your ears, tears rolling down your cheeks even faster than before.

You were stupid. You should've given Bucky another chance. You should've caved at that stupid Stark party where you stayed with Wanda and Pietro, keeping your eyes on Bucky the entire night. You had so many regrets, and Bucky had made so many mistakes but they were just memories now. 

"You wanted this," You cried softly, desperate to help yourself remember, "You wanted this, you wanted this, you wanted this!"

You slid down the door, a sob raking through your chest so loudly it scared you. You'd been miserable with Bucky, but now he was living the life you'd always talked about together, and goddammit, it was so bittersweet. It was like biting into a frosting-covered lemon, the citrus seeping into all the scars you held from your relationship with Bucky. But the sweet, sweet frosting was covering the wounds because Bucky was finally happy.

He was happy, and that had been all you'd ever wanted. So even if it meant he was happier without you, you'd accept that for him.

"You okay, kid?" Tony asked, walking up to you with a frown as he watched Steve go to Bucky.

"He still has that stupid car," You chuckled suddenly, your eyes filling with tears, "When we first got together, he'd drive me all over New York in that dumb Mustang. I can't tell you how many times we made out in it. He took me to get our matching tattoos in that stupid car... and now it's her it that car."

Tony pulled you into his chest, rubbing your back, "You're right Mustangs are totally stupid. Audi's are way cooler, right Sam?"

"Totally."

Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof

Talk about our future like we had a clue

Never planned that one day I'd be losing you

It was like you could see the memory playing out in front of you.

You chuckled, stumbling with Bucky up the last stairs to the roof of the Avengers tower. It wasn't often he brought you here and stayed this late, but damn did the stars look so much better from here than at your apartment. Bucky smiled at you, holding up a bottle of Tony's favorite liquor, immediately causing a loud laugh to tumble from your lips.

"I can't believe I get to be the one to make you laugh like that," Bucky smiled, reaching out to grab your wrist and pull you to his chest, "Just you and me, for the rest of time."

You giggled, "Why don't you make it official then, Bucko? Put a ring on it, and we can get a nice big home. By some lake as you've always wanted."

"Mmm, sounds nice. Doesn't it, doll?"

You nodded, "We can get a cat! You can deny wanting one all you want, but I see the way you look at all those cats on your phone."

"Hey!" Bucky laughed, "If we get a cat, we'll need to give the little thing some kids to play with."

You nodded again, gazing up at Bucky with the biggest smile on your face, "Oh, definitely."

"So, we get married, get a nice home by a lake, a cat, some kids. We'll have to get Steve and Wanda to live close by so they can watch the kids when I want you all to myself."

A loud laugh tumbled from your lips once more as you lightly smacked Bucky's arm, "James Buchanan Barnes! That's incredibly inappropriate!"

"Don't act like you don't love it, doll."

In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises

Be us against the world

You pulled back from Tony's chest, the sound of Bucky calling his name making it clear to you the older man had been trying to shield you from Bucky. Sam grabbed your hand, pulling you into his side as Tony spun, holding open his arms for a 'bro hug' from Bucky. 

You stood awkwardly, admiring the girl beside Bucky. How'd you get here? You bit the inside of your cheek. Your eyes flicked to the crowd as you wondered when all this had become okay. When did it become that you were no longer Bucky's girl? When did it become okay for you and Bucky to break all those promises you made? When did everything turn so incredibly bitter that you forgot all the good there was worth fighting for? When did it turn from you two against the world to you two against each other?

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say you were

The one that got away

"Oh.. uh Sam, you didn't tell me she was coming," Bucky's shocked tone startled you as Sam squeezed your side.

"Well, you didn't tell me you were coming," Sam fired back in a playful tone.

You immediately plastered a fake smile, directing your attention to the girl beside Bucky, "Hey, I'm (y/n)."

"It's nice to meet you! I'm Chole!" The girl smiled, shaking your hand before giving Sam a quick hug.

Bucky and you locked eyes for a second, making you wonder why everyone had hidden this from you. You wanted to pull Bucky aside, tell him how incredibly sorry you were for everything, how you wanted him back, and you would make everything work this time around. You didn't want Bucky to be the one that left. You wanted Bucky to be the one you grow old with. But, you simply flashed him an all too fake smile, allowing him to pull his wife away and into Tony's party.

I was June and you were my Johnny Cash

Never one without the other, we made a pact

Sometimes when I miss you I put those records on

"Oh god, I can't stand her," Tony groaned the moment they were out of ear's reach.

Sam rolled his eyes, "Come on, Tony. She's a nice girl."

"No," Tony groaned, "It pains me, physically pains me, to admit this... but (y/n) and Bucky, they were one of the best couples I've ever seen, up until the end. Of course, Pep and I are better, sorry Kid, but Pepper and I are like Beyonce and Jay Z. But, I mean... you two were Johnny Cash and June!"

Sam laughed loudly as you snorted, rolling your eyes, "We were pretty inseparable, despite him always being so distant after those first like six months."

"You still play those records?" Sam questioned suddenly, making you nod, "God, he made you so old school. Listening to records, sheesh! You'll be going gray soon!"

Leave it to Sam and Tony to try to make you laugh. You shook your head with a smile. You knew they'd always succeed.

Someone said you had your tattoo removed

Saw you downtown singing the blues

It's time to face the music, I'm no longer your muse

"He got his tattoo removed," Sam whispered to you from his spot where you'd migrated to the bar.

You raised your eyebrows, subconsciously rubbing the tiny heart on the inside of your left wrist, "I guess it was bound to happen."

"Talk to me..."

"I hate this!" You groaned, tears welling in your eyes, "I still love him, Sam. I know that probably makes me stupid. I just... I spent so long focusing on all the bad, trying to reason with myself why the breakup was necessary. But now, I'm thinking off all the good, and how much was left to be saved," You sniffled as you wiped tears, "How much I still love him, how I want it to work out. I just... he's not mine, and I'm not his, and I'm not even the thing to make him happy anymore and..."

All this money can't buy me a time machine, no

Can't replace you with a million rings, no

I should've told you what you meant to me (whoa)

'Cause now I pay the price

Sam pulled you into his chest as a soft cry left your lips as you both sat completely unaware of Bucky right behind you two. He'd heard more than enough of your confession and now felt his own eyes welling with tears at the sight in front of him. He quickly turned, opting to go to the other bar to get Chole her drink.

Bucky knew he messed up, but he had been so sure you'd hate him for it all he tried to replace you. He realized now. Nothing could replace you. Not any amount of the money he owned, not any home, or any pets. Not even any wedding ring he put on any woman. Nothing would replace the hole that'd were left in his soul from you, and he realized now he should've taken the chance at all those Stark parties.

He should've told you what you meant to him, even if he was terrified that you were going to hate him. It was no excuse for him to avoid you, to avoid the chance of getting you back. Because now, as he ordered another woman's favorite drink instead of yours, Bucky wished he made you stay because anything was better than a life without you.

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say you were

The one that got away