i jsut wanted to shoot a message that i hadn't meant it as like a "nier is good actually and u should feel bad for not liking it" and moreso "i agree nier is out of place, but i feel not anymore so than any of the other raids". I apologize if thats not how the message was received and i thought we were just discussing it
I appreciate that, but I understood what you meant by the second reblog. Hereās the thing though: I didnāt agree with that at all, and I really didnāt want to get into a debate about it. I was venting in my own space about Nier, because I was in a bad mood having just done the raid, and was freshly reminded of why I hated it so much in the first place.
I just need to explain where iām coming from though. When Iām venting on my blog about something that bothers me itās never done with the intention to open the floor so to speak for discussion or debate about said thing. One of the reasons I set this as a hard boundary is because itās legitimately triggering to me, because my abusive ex-roommate weaponized fandom as her primary tool of abuse towards myself and our other roommates. The only correct opinion in the house about anything was hers. If you didnāt agree with it, you were wrong and stupid and probably childish. I was honestly never allowed to express my feelings about anything without being emotionally and on at least one occasion physically attacked. I have lizard brain trauma from this as a result and thatās why I deliberately donāt get into it with people about fandom things for the most part. Because then last night happens, when I got legitimately triggered and my brain flipped into fight or flight mode. You didnāt mean anything by it and it wasnāt your fault, I donāt blame you for it at all, but this happens a lot, where Iām venting about something and then somebody has to āwell, actuallyā me about it. The end result is feeling like I canāt express myself in my own space, because see above. And then I feel angry and resentful.
Thatās why I donāt enjoy spending my fannish time and energy having debates with people. The way I always see these things is that I have my feelings and opinions, and other people have theirs. If I see some fan stuff I donāt necessarily agree with on my dash, I keep scrolling, and if itās something I feel extra salty or opinionated about Iāll shitpost in my own space about it away from people. But tl;dr: space is for me and my feelings and I guard it very jealously because for a long time I didnāt have any space at all to safely express anything, and the second I feel like thatās being threatened I get triggered because of my history. I want discussions about things I like, that make me happy. Favorite characters I might have in common with someone, or a storyline that resonated, etc. The other stuff I canāt do, because itās too painful, and I have too much trauma wrapped up in it. I know this might sound weird to a lot of people but thatās just where Iām at.Ā
