"We may fall, but we will rise. Not by my might, nor my power, nor by the strength of swords, only through your love my Lord. All thatâs lost will be restored.â (Josh Garrels)Â
Shortly after I stopped fundraising for InterVarsity, I read an article that really resonated with me. It talked about a pastor who had just stepped down from leadership due to brokenness in his private world. The last tweet he had posted on his account was âWelcome to the valley of the shadow of death. Thank God grace reigns here.â I ended up copying those exact words onto a piece of paper and proceeded to tape it up over my desk. In the weeks and months to come, it would be a source of strength. Thank God grace reigns here.Â
In the darkest moments of my life, it reminded me that no matter where I was at, God was still at work in my life. After InterVarsity, it felt like I had lost my sense of identity, close relationships, a purpose to my life. For almost an entire month, I would wake up, go to work, then come back home and sit in my room alone until the next day. Part of me couldnât face reality. I stopped talking to God for a season. Deep down, I knew that I needed to go face to face with Him, but I couldnât do it. I knew there was so much to bring before God and I didnât have the emotional strength to even start. I needed to vent, to ask questions, to rage, to threaten to turn my back, to pour it all out before the Father. But I couldnât. It was too draining to even think about the emotions.Â
By His grace, God still kept reaching out to me in those moments. At first it started through the work of the three pastors at Ethnos; Pastors Yucan, Tim, and Scott. They made an effort to meet up with me and continue to encourage me. In the moments where I didnât want to even think about encouragement, they kept going at it. They kept reminding me that God was doing something greater in all this. Meanwhile, I was all like âGod, can you just take me now? I canât even.âÂ
It was also around the same time that I started feeling encouraged by Ethnos community. People that would just talk to me after service, or even just said  a quick hello in passing by. They may not have known it, but those hellos or how are youâs were small lifelines in the sea of despair I was drowning in. It reminded me that there were still people that cared about me. Iâm eternally grateful to people like Eric Lige, Joy, Reyn, Christine, Austin, Emily, Eric Hazzard, my community group and many others.
A third place I saw God continue to reach out to me was at Starbucks. A couple of weeks after I left InterVarsity, a new barista started working there. Her name is Juli. I quickly found out she was Catholic and I started talking with her about her faith. I was amazed by it. Over the course of the summer, we had so many conversations about what it means to live out our faith in the culture weâre set in and what it looks like to give your life in service. Iâve mentioned it to her a few times already, but those conversations have had such a deep influence at how I started to view what it means to be a man of God.Â
I started to go back into the Scriptures. My journal entries were a lot more heart felt now. Instead of saying things like âToday sucked,â they started to go deeper into what I was feeling. I poured my heart out to the Father. Raged, vented, cried, complained, and sought comfort in Him. I read Rebuilding Your Broken World by Gordon McDonald, and Undefiled by Harry Schaumburg. I then re-read both of them. Slowly, but surely, I started to see what God was doing in my life.Â
Itâs been crazy to think that itâs been over six months since all that happened. There have been moments where I thought I was moving forward, but then things happened that made me realize I still had a ways to go. There have been moments where I despaired of ever seeing change, but then I reflected and was amazed at how far Iâve come.Â
In the past couple of weeks, Iâve been doing some deep reflecting on Godâs goodness. There is this quote by the artist Jackie Hill that I really like. It says âGodâs goodness towards you is not subjected to your perceptions of âgoodnessâ. Sometimes, the most chaotic seasons of your life are sovereignly ordained to be the best seasons of your life. Not for your comfort, but to draw your soul nearer to your Savior.â As I look back to this season, I definitely agree. There was nothing comforting about how I ended last year. Yet, in the midst of all that, Iâve never felt closer to God. Walking with God through the valley allowed me to walk as close as Iâve ever gotten with Him. There were moments where I felt that I had nothing at all except for God. Moments where the darkness overwhelmed me and all I could do was bring it to the Father. And the Father was gracious.Â
As we enter the second month of the year, I can safely say that Iâm not in the valley anymore. I know Iâm not at the top either, but Iâm not where I was half a year ago. Itâs been a humbling experience. What I thought I was once entitled to, now I thank God for a chance to participate in HIs mission. Iâve had a chance to engage in spiritual conversations with so many of my co-workers. I like to think that Iâm engaging in more âfreelanceâ ministry. Just living life alongside my friends and trying to point them to Jesus.Â
My church community has been amazing. Iâm so grateful for each and every single one of them. Although many of them didnât know it at the time, covertly, they were still uplifting my spirit. I am always looking forward to Sunday mornings. To worshipping alongside the rest of my community. To living life alongside them. To be able to carry their burdens as they helped carry mine.Â
Words cannot express how grateful I am that we serve a God who gives second chances. A God whoâs story to us is one of redemption and restoration. Just as Jesus was sent down to redeem creation from the effects of sin, so too does the Holy Spirit continue to redeem and restore us from our brokenness. In my moments of solitude and quiet, I reflect on how good God has been towards me. In the midst of everything, God was like âIâm still here. Iâm here to restore you. To bring you life.âÂ
When I was younger, I used to read the parable of the lost sheep. How the shepherd left 99 sheep to go find one sheep. I used to be like âYeah, Jesus, go find those lost sheep!â But in my moments of isolation, that story came to mean so much more to me. Instead of identifying with the 99 sheep, suddenly I was that one sheep. And it was like âJesus, please come to me. I need you so badly.â And He came. Despite everything, He came for me. And I think thatâs so amazing.Â
I think itâs so amazing that the God who created the entire universe by merely saying it would be so, would care so much for an individual. That in the midst of the cosmic story of redemption and the infinite events happening in the universe, He would come to me. Just me and God. And instead of condemning me for my past mistakes, He would say, âHere I am. Let me walk with you through the valley. Let me love you. Let me show you that youâre not defined by your pastâ
God is good. That was something I could never let go of even in my darkest moments. In the moments where I honestly didnât care if a car ran me over on the way to work, or if I just stopped existing, that core truth existed inside of me. I knew that God was good. I knew that He was doing something bigger in my life than I could even begin to imagine.Â
And now, Iâm starting to see beyond deathâs shadow in the valley. I am starting to see where Godâs restoration is. What redemption truly looks like. And itâs better than anything I could have ever begun to imagine. We serve a God who gives second chances. A God who is at work even when we canât imagine the mechanisms behind his doings. A God who never ceases of showing us His love.
