the dopamine chase has been a little too loud lately
where the mind gets drawn in too easily before the feeling even has a clear shape, before there is time to sit with it, question it, or understand what it is actually made of
as the wise woman (or my long-lost sister) named chintia has mentioned a thousand times, there should be a check first. Is this something that still has weight when the high fades, or is the high the whole point…?
and that is where it gets confusing, because the rush can feel a lot like meaning
the tiny reward, the sense that something is happening, the intensity that gives the day a shape, that gives the mind somewhere to go and makes ordinary hours feel less empty
which is probably why it gets hard to stop feeding it, even when it starts making everything feel less calm
and when the high is loud enough, it starts deciding what gets seen. The small things become signs, the almost became evidence
but some things are ignored on purpose because looking at them clearly would interrupt the high
and the high is the trap
and this has happened before
the same chase.. the same hunger to make something out of something, even when the something is mostly an excuse for the heart to stay busyÂ
or did i fall in love?
