#iwillneverknow

I normally save these sorts of posts for the blog that no one follows because sometimes it just helps to put it out there, even if no one ever see’s it.  But I feel I need to put this out there on my public blog.  Last year I fell in love with a girl, like, really, I fell hard, and for a time she loved me, and while our relationship was rocky, it was by far the happiest I’ve been since depression and the shocking reality of the world set in.

She cheated on me, which I understand why she did, and I’ll keep the details to myself as they mostly came from self confidence issues that I am still working on.  For 6 months I tried not to think of her, she went back to her previous relationship and I worked on sorting my life and career out, thinking at some point maybe things would work out and we would try again.  Foolish idea, but I really liked this girl despite everything.

Those chances ended on Monday of this week, she chose to end her own life for reasons I will never know, I am only left to think of what might have been her reasoning, but I WILL NEVER KNOW FOR SURE. The thing that shook me to the core, was the day it happened was exactly 1 year after our first meeting.  Am I overthinking?  Probably, was I on her mind in her last bit of life?  Did I make her happy?  Did she even think of me after everything?  Why?  Why?  Why?