#ivorycircle

“Pretend” was the very first song I released as Ivory Circle in the summer of 2013. I can vividly remember feeling wracked with nerves as I anticipated how people might respond to it. Would they love it?  Hate it?  Completely disregard it?  In addition to the fact that Ivory Circle started out as a very personal project for me, this release also embarked the first time I truly set out on my own as an artist.

 In the past, I always had someone on stage to sing with me or to collaborate with, whether on a large stage or at a school talent show. When I started Ivory Circle, before Chris or Rob came into the picture, I felt for the first time that I was truly going about it alone.  It was an important challenge for me to face because it was something I was so scared to do, to admit what I wanted and proclaim it with confidence in my own abilities.

 I wrote “Pretend” as a type of anthem for my dreams.  I had just quit my teaching job and was feeling a lot of trepidation towards what I wanted to actually do with my life.  The path I had attempted to avoid for so long kept coming back to haunt me.  I was in a period of reflection—thinking about what I had regretted doing or not doing. There was a short period of time when I was in high school where I seriously contemplated not going to college and just pursuing a music career then.  I don’t necessarily regret getting a college degree, but I do wonder at times whether it brought me closer or farther away from my true destination. Do I exist in a parallel universe where I have a husband, three kids, a white picket fence, and a full-time job as a choral music teacher?  Or is there a version of me that got a record deal at 17 and is currently touring the world like a Korean Beyoncé or Taylor Swift? This song explores those questions for me.  

 Let's play a game on this patterned swing

Where our lives are buried with fortune and fame

Let's say that blame is nothing but a tired scheme

And they've shot us to death

They've shot us to death

But we're still alive and the night is where we left it

And the starting line is where we've found our chance to survive second lives

And now we're back to the beginning

 If I could go back and tell my 20-year-old self, my 15-year-old self, or even my 10-year-old self anything valuable—I would say that it truly is never too late to start over or even just to start, period. I believe that if the desire to veer the course of your life is still in you, then it’s never too late.  I hope that if I make it to old age, I can look back at this time in my life and say that I am proud in knowing all of my attempts were worth the pain and moments of doubt. These are the pieces of our stories that make us who we are.  

Originally when I wrote “Pretend,” I envisioned a much bigger chorus with lush instrumentation.  I pictured a soundscape with at least a dozen voices shouting out:

 And we will laugh, we will cry

Send our torches to the sky

Where hearts linger and sorrows drown with the night

We will fly, we will see with our eyes

That there is so much more to this pain

 I assumed that we would do a full band version of this song and put it on our series of Triangle EPs but we are still working through revisions, so time will tell if it will make it onto Scalene or if other songs will eclipse it in the final playlist.  Like in life, you plan for how you want something to turn out, but it rarely happens that way.  Case in point—only one of the songs from Entropy (“Drown”) has made it onto the full band EP series, so far.    

 We're on the mend but we're tired of

Struggling to find purchase to climb to the top

Of the lonely peak where we stepped on each other only to be

King of a hill that no one can see

Impatiently wanting everything

But one faulty step and we're back to the beginning

 I’m an introvert.  Depending on who you ask, some might say I’m an extrovert.  Although, most would definitely say I’m an introvert. An extroverted introvert?  Or an introverted extrovert?  I am comfortable being alone but I prefer the company of a select few. I’m really uncomfortable in a large group or crowd. I don’t love small talk at shows but I love when people come up to talk to me and I really enjoy getting to know someone new.  I’m very comfortable on stage, for the most part.  I love performing.  So, whatever that paradox makes me, that’s what I am. I’m probably more of an introvert though, because it’s all too easy for me to pull down the shades and withdraw when the going gets tough.  My default function is to shut down and sometimes to react to a world that’s “out to get me.’  It can be a toxic and dangerous place to be in—it drives me to a state of selfishness and suspicion of everyone around me and the lack of motivation towards anything good increases. We take one misstep and it’s our impending doom.

 We all go through the experience of life- even when we’re not making the most of it.  Our joy really can be found in the journey, especially when we have people around us who believe in us and share in our triumphs and pains.  My favorite part of getting good news is having someone to tell the news to, who will react in that perfect way that makes sharing the news more enjoyable than the news itself.  And the pains we inevitably experience from time to time are softened with supporting glances, warm enveloping hugs, and laughter from unexpected places-- the things that give us the courage to get back up again.  The climb doesn’t seem as difficult when you have something to help pass the time, a desire to keep going, and support to cushion your fall. As much as it felt like I was alone, I was never alone.  

 And we feel that there is so much more to this feeling...

 Ultimately, I believe that there’s something inside each of us that knows there’s more to it than just “the prize.”  What that is, I’m not sure, but we feel there is so much more.