#itsnot3am

Ashes to Fire Part I

I look out my window that is framed by two massive book shelves. I look straight into the rising sun trying my hardest not to think about them. The sun lends its color to the world, waking it up. The trees are green again, the ocean a sparkling blue, the sand a deep beige. A tear escapes my eye and falls down my cheek. I let it be, giving myself time to not think about them. I hear a baby crying. I turn towards the sound and let out a deep sigh. I smile in spite of the depressed memory and walk towards her room. My day begins.

FADI

I sit in one of the chairs of the coffee shop as I wait for a friend. I pull out a newspaper from the magazine rack and read three-day old news. “So, how are them Yankees?” I smile and turn around to find Matt making his way to sit across from me. I get up and extend my hand to him and bring him in for a one-armed hug. “Matt. How are you doing?” “Good. I never thought I’d see you around again.” He says looking around. “I know. I never thought I’d come back to Miami either. But what can I say? These beaches are irresistible.” “Yeah. The beaches.” I shrug. Just then a red head walks in ordering some sort of fancy coffee drink. “So, what brings you back?” He looks at me expectantly, I turn away and give my full attention. “I don’t know. I just found myself back here. You know how I am. I can’t stay in one place for too long.” “Are you into anything new? We could use you at IDL.” I laugh, “Nah, man. I can’t go to school.” “Don’t worry. Kat isn’t there. And it wouldn’t be for school. There are other ways to contribute.” I scratch the back of my neck, “OK, look.” I lean forward, “I’m here with you as a favor to someone, and I know you Matt. I would love to give back. I actually came down to go back to school to buy a building or something.” I open up my hands and spread them wide, “The Ferdinand Tower.” Matt laughs. “Very funny. Why don’t you invest in IDL. We really need the money?” “We?” Matt smiles, “Yeah. I got the job. I’m the director of the Infant Development Lab.” I lean across the table and pat Matt on the back. “That’s awesome, man.” He nods his head. “I’ll consider it. Look, why don’t you set up a proposal meeting sometime next week.” “Great. I’ve got the perfect person to convince you. Actually, I can just tell you what she’s done and you can write me a check now.” I laugh, “Hold on there. Just have her make a presentation or something and meet with me.” “OK, fine. But before you meet her just know that as long as she stays on board, the IDL will be a huge success for the university.” “It doesn’t really matter Matt. I need to invest for a write off. But OK, what has she done?” I ask indulging him a little. I’ve already made up my decision, but formalities are a must when it comes to money.   “She has broadened the lab. We still mainly do research on infants, but because of her, we now treat the infants that we believe may have characteristics of autism. She’s been treating this fifteen-year-old boy for about eight years. She redesigned much of the research done and gave cold-calling an eighty percent success rate.” I take a sip of my coffee. “That’s interesting. But do you know if she’ll stay on? She would at least need to stay for another five years. And if she considers leaving, is there anyone that can replace her?” There is an immediate change to his expression. “Right. Even if she left, the IDL will still get more and more successful. But there’s no worry of her leaving anytime soon. And knowing her, she would either train someone or work remotely.” “OK. Set up the meeting.” I look at my watch. “It was nice seeing you again Matt. I guess we’ll be doing business together soon enough.” He gets up and extends his hand, “Same number?” “Yes. Same as always.” I shake it and walk toward the beach.

It’s a nice bright day and since there’s nothing left to do I run toward the water and jump in. Barely any clouds in the sky and a few scattered people on the shore, South Beach has never looked so peaceful.

PHOENIX

“Where’s my silk shirt?” I ask Kay from within my closet. She pokes her head in, “I don’t know.” “Kay,” I sigh out, “you used it last.” “Ummm…” She thinks aloud while looking to the left. “Oh!” Divine inspiration hits her. “It’s in the laundry.” She finishes off quietly, probably afraid of my reaction. “OK.” She looks at me anxiously, still waiting for a more aggressive reaction. “It’s fine, Kay. I’ll find something else to wear.” “OK. I’m sorry, Nixie.” I wave my hand at my sister dismissively. She leaves my room, leaving the door closed behind her. I walk to the vanity and finish applying make-up. Every so often I check the notes I’ve made on the client I’m meeting today. “OK. He’s a thirty-something investor... Big money, loves the IDL... He’s alum, and worked at IDL for a few years while he was a student... Was part of Psi Chi…president of Psi Chi…Favorite meal: breakfast… Called car service… Picking him up in twenty minutes.” I finish getting ready and head out the door. Kay apologizes again and I ignore her. As I’m making my way out of the building toward the parking garage I read the fact sheet again. I try to memorize his name: Ferdinand Torre. I call Matt on my way to the restaurant to let him know that everything is going as planned. I would normally have assigned this proposal to Tracey, but this is the biggest investment IDL has ever seen and I want to make sure everything goes just right.

I get to 660 at The Angler’s and let the maître d’ know that I’m waiting for a client to come and to direct him to me when he gets here. She’s about to sit me in the middle of the restaurant and I ask if she can find a more remote table. She sits me down toward the back of the restaurant. I don’t want Mr. Torre to get distracted by anyone else. It’s bad enough that his assistant insisted we meet in a restaurant instead of IDL’s office on campus. As I wait for him I take out my laptop. I open it and start it up. I look at my phone every so often to check the time. I read over my notes again and again to make sure I have everything. I get a text from Matt that reads, “Remember to breathe, kid. Just sell what you’ve done. Nothing else.” I roll my eyes at the text and put my phone on silent and in my computer bag.   I order a coffee while I wait for Mr. Torre. I sip my coffee while staring at my computer when I hear a deep voice, “Excuse me. Ms. Phoenix Vaughan?” I put my coffee down and get up, “Yes.” I get up fluidly and extend my hand. “Hello, Good Morning, Mr. Torre.” “Fadi.” He amends. I don’t hide my expression, what a weird nickname. “Fadi.” I try to force out a smile. I wave my arm toward the chair across from me without saying a word. He sits down and I sit back down in my chair.

FADI

I arrive to the restaurant and ask the maître d’ if anyone is waiting for me. She leads me to the back of the restaurant. I see a woman drinking from a mug completely transfixed on her laptop. Her hair falls off her shoulders and shirt opens just enough to show off the slope of her breats. I plaster on my charming smile, “Excuse me.” She looks up at me with huge honey brown eyes. I’m taken aback by the softness of her eyes placed in a stern, no-nonsense face. My smile falters for just a second. She calls the waiter over and asks for an assortment of food and waves her hand at me, “Would you like anything to drink?” “Black coffee, please.” I say not taking my eyes off her. She meets my gaze without flinching and signals to the waiter with her glare that she’s done ordering. He exits uncomfortably and Ms. Vaughan gets straight to the point. “OK, Mr. Torre.” She begins. “Fadi,” I tell her again. “Fadi,” she says matter-of-fact. “Matt told me that you’re interested in investing in IDL.” “Yes, to tell you the truth…” “OK, great. Well, let me tell you about IDL.” She interrupts me as if reading from a script. “IDL stands for Infant Development La…” I raise my hand, “I know what IDL stands for. Look, I’m sure you researched me pretty well. I know you know that I interned at IDL when it started over a decade ago. I also know that you know that I’m an investor of sorts. Let’s just get to the numbers. How much does IDL need? What are the future plans of IDL? Matt tells me that you have big ideas. That’s what I’m interested in hearing.” She stares at me blankly. I notice a slight, innocuous smile playing at her lips. She starts fiddling with her laptop, I close it and make her stare at me. “I don’t want a presentation. Those are not my favorite proposals and it will not make me invest in IDL. I want to hear about you. Ultimately, it’s the people I invest in, not the organization itself, whether it’s charity or for a turnaround.” “OK. I’ve been working at IDL for a while. For about eight years now.” “I must have just missed you then.” I smile at her trying to make this meeting less formal. The sun is bright outside, overbearing, and a lone ray of sunlight creeps into the restaurant from the window behind Ms. Vaughan, almost wanting to touch her, but not daring to break her rigid posture. “I started treating patients about four years ago. Now, I want to broaden the spectrum of IDL. I want to widen the Autism awareness branch and make that the main focus of IDL. Too many other labs on campus and in the country are concentrating on healthy infants. I want to concentrate on all infants. I want to…not generalize.” She continues for another five minutes, ignoring any of my interjections. She maintains eye contact and waits for me to speak. The food arrives and as we eat in silence, I lean back in my chair and look out the window at the timid ray of sunlight willing it to touch her. After a few minutes, I ask questions and she answers dryly, flatly. She asks nothing in return. The waiter comes with the check and Ms. Vaughan immediately grabs for it, I extend my hand across the table. She shakes her head. “The IDL will pay for this breakfast.” She states. I lift my hand in resignation and let her pay, knowing very well that Matt will not pay for this breakfast. “Well, Mr. Torre—“ “Fadi.” I interrupt, growing annoyed that she won’t address me the way I want. She blushes slightly, “I’m sorry. Fadi.” She says softly. I notice a dim halo starting to form around her light brown hair. I look outside and notice the timid ray of sunlight decided to touch her after all. The stray hairs on the top of her head give her a golden halo, making her look angelic. Fixedly staring at me, “I hope I have answered all your questions and that you will feel safe with investing with IDL. We’re a growing organization only wanting what is best for children everywhere. We have a great staff and a few intuitive and highly intelligent doctors working for us this year. I expect everyone to stay on for at least another three years, which will help flourish IDL. “ I’m distracted by the halo, but respond. “Thank you. It’s been an informative meeting, but I would like to take a tour first and get to know some of these people you rave on about.” She nods her head once and pulls out a card from her bag. “Have your assistant call me to set up an appointment. I’m in the middle of writing my thesis for my doctorate, but with half a day’s notice I should be able to organize a tour for you.”

We shake hands, I let her get up first and then I follow. As we’re walking out of the restaurant I ask her, “Want to go to the beach?” She looks up at me affronted, “No.” “Are you sure? I can make it worth your time.” She narrows her eyes and shakes her head without saying another word. She walks in the opposite direction and doesn’t look back. The sun somehow retreats from her and spreads light somewhere else. As she walks, I notice that in her wake she leaves an empty path.

Before she turns a corner I pull out my phone and call the number on the card she gave me hoping it is her cellphone. I hear a faint ring in the distance and notice she looks at her phone. Not recognizing the number, she throws the phone in her bag and continues to walk away from me. Her voice message sounds through the phone’s speakers, “This is Phoenix, please leave a brief message with your name number and I will get back to you.” “Ms. Vaughan, It’s Fadi. I’m requesting to schedule a tour tomorrow morning. I hope this isn’t too short notice considering I’m giving you more than half a day’s worth notice.”

PHOENIX

My phone beeps one time indicating the unknown caller left a voice message. My phone rings again and I reach in my bag to retrieve it. Seeing Matt’s name on my screen, I answer. “Hello, Matt.” “How’d it go, Phoenix?” “It went. I told him about myself and a little bit about the professors who are involved. He seemed interested. He wants to schedule a tour. I’ll let you know if his assistant calls me.” “OK. Good to hear.” Silence. “How are you doing?” Not wanting to respond I say, “I’ll be working from home for the rest of the week. Except for Raymond’s visit and if he calls. I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on.” He sighs out, “OK. Nixie. Good-bye.” Without saying good-bye I press end on the cellphone. Before putting it back in my bag, I listen to the waiting voice message. “Ms. Vaughan, It’s Fadi. I’m requesting to schedule a tour tomorrow morning. I hope this isn’t too short notice considering I’m giving you more than half a day’s worth notice.” I immediately call Matt, looking behind me as I do. He must have called as I walking away from his beach invitation. “Phoenix.” Matt says somewhat surprised. “Matt. Mr. Torre…I mean Fadi just called. He wants a tour on Monday. Get Mikaela and Maximillian to come in tomorrow. And make sure the rest of the staff comes in from eight-to-ten. I want to get this tour over with before Raymand arrives for his appointment.” “I’m on it, Phoenix.” “Good. I’ll send a brief to everyone letting them know what should be talked about if he asks them questions.” “OK. See you tomorrow, Phoenix.” “OK, Matt.” “Good job, Phoenix.” “Thanks.”

I head back to my apartment to write up the e-mail quickly and finish other paperwork.

I look at my phone to check the time: two-thirty. I sigh out. Why do the days drag out for so long? Twenty-four is just an irrelevant number. Twenty-four hours in a day.  Twenty-four months is two years. Twenty-four years is almost a quarter of a century. How much longer can I handle this? I decide to change into a bathing suit and running shorts and go for a run toward First Beach. Luckily, I find this part of the beach empty. It’s always the same every day, except Sunday. Sunday is never a good day to come the beach. Twenty-four hours of being locked up in the den with a book. I stop just where the tide is receding, lie back and block the horrifyingly bright sun with my arm. I let the memories crowd my head. Eating me up; spreading their tentacles along every empty crevice. I feel the monster take hold in my ribcage, taking my heart prisoner. I can imagine Rapunzel sitting in the tower that is my heart with her hair entangled within each rib hoping someone will save her. I wake up breathless feeling water on my butt. I sit up to find that the sun is in a different place in the sky. The moon is already high above and I feel grateful for having another time lapse; it’s all I can ask for in this life. I look around me noticing I am still alone. I slip out of my clothes and dive into the water, enjoying its moonlit surface. After a while I hear a noise in the distance and decide to re-enter reality that awaits me on the shore. Feeling my stomach rumble I remember I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. I decide to pay Kathy a visit at Big Pink. She never pries and her place is usually so quiet. As I walk in I notice it’s a busy night for her. She waves at me and immediately starts fixing my favorite. Trying to avoid all human interaction with the other customers I sit in the farthest booth, feeling grateful no one likes this spot. A tall man arrives with my sandwich and without really looking I smile and give him a heartfelt “Thank you”. “Hmmm. So you do smile.” Immediately, my smile vanishes and I realize it’s Fadi who brought me my meal. “Ms. Vaughan, your sandwich.” He places my sandwich in front of me.  

FADI

Her eyes darken when I hand her her sandwich. I notice she looks toward the bar at the owner and she shrugs. I almost take pity at the poor woman, but then I see her smile playfully. Ms. Vaughan’s eyes darken even further. I suppress a chuckle, but sound escapes my lips. She quickly looks up at me and does not soften her molten glare. “May I sit down since this is the only unoccupied seat in the restaurant?” “Phoenix. You may call me Phoenix.” I smile, “Phoenix. May I accompany you?” She looks around and extends her arm to the bench across from her realizing. From the corner of my eye, I can see the owner practically bouncing around. Phoenix shakes her head minutely warning her to stop. “Did you get my voicemail?” I ask politely, knowing very well that she did. “Yes. I told Matt to call you. I hope he did.” I smile playfully at her, “He did. Just wanted to make sure.” “That’s redundant.” I laugh. She gives me no reaction. Ignoring me she takes a bite into her sandwich and scoots closer to the window. “You like your sandwich?” I ask biting into mine. “Yes.” Not providing me with any more information. I notice the moon sparkling off her exposed her skin. Then I realize she’s wet. “Went for a nightly swim?” “No. Not nightly. Just tonight. Monthly. I like swimming during a full moon.” I lean forward. “Do you?” She looks at me with a stare I can’t translate. “It was nice seeing you again, Fadi. I hope to see you Monday at…” “8:30,” I respond smiling up at her. “Right. Sorry, I never told Matt a time.” She gets up and walks away without looking back again. She leaves her half-eaten sandwich behind: watercress spilling out around the French bread, an avocado sticking out at the end, and garbanzo beans not fully smashed sprinkle the rest of the wrapping paper. I finish my sandwich and watch her go. She turns around the restaurant on my side. I notice her long hair shining delicately in the moonlight. It falls past her lower back giving me a nice view of her wet behind. She starts to run and her hair looks wild behind her trying to catch up, but playing in the wind with the moonbeams flowing down illuminating her way.

PHOENIX

Five in the morning. I groan and stare out the window. The sun is nowhere in sight and I’m thankful for that. The day hasn’t really started.  I should install the blinds again in the condo.

I close my eyes and hope for sleep…5:15 am. Ugh. Can’t I get a break? I pad on over to the exercise room on the other side of the condo. Kay is snoring blissfully asleep in her bedroom. I switch on the music and let the soft melodies dictate my yoga routine. I stretch out in customary yoga poses and then head over to the ballet bar and practice on my posture. I yank off my shirt and practice at the bar naked. I carefully watch my naked frame, holding each pose for five breaths. I observe the muscles in my arms, back, and legs. I watch as they accommodate when I switch positions. When it’s time to face the mirror, I look away, not looking at my abdomen. I watch my head making sure my chin is high in the air, my body curves at just the right points. I point my fingers as Madame Nadin instructed me many years ago. Without even looking I know when they’re not pointed correctly; I can feel her cane swat my “useless” hands.

I hear my alarm go off in my bedroom. I finish the ballet positions with the customary reverence and raise my hand to clap out of habit. I stop myself and shake my head. I rush across the apartment toward my bedroom and silence my cellphone. 6:30 am. I decide to get ready for work and prepare for Fadi’s visit.

I walk into IDL and I find Fadi sitting in the waiting room. Luckily, I came in through the back. I immediately go to my desk, which is in a closet of a room, hidden from everyone. He must have seen me walk in because as I turn on the computer he enters uninvited. “Good morning, Fadi. Have you been offered something to drink?” “Yes, thank you.” I stare at him waiting for him to tell me what he wants. After a few minutes, I get up from my chair. “Well, if you’ll follow me into the conference room we’ll get the team ready for you so that you may…get to know them.” He smiles and takes a sip from a travel mug. I squeeze past him to exit my office and walk purposefully toward the conference room. He follows en suit, strolling passively as if in a park. I open the door for him and point to a chair. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll gather the team. Here’s my timeline for the company. I thought you would like to know more about my plans for IDL.” As he grabs for it, he brushes the tips of my fingers. I narrow my eyes at him before retreating out the door. I gather the staff and Matt and lead them all into the conference room. I have everyone sit down and introduce Fadi to them. “Good morning, everyone. Let’s not make this formal. I just want to get know everyone. And please don’t tell me your résumé. I could care less about that. I want to know who you are, why you’re working at IDL, and what your future plans are.” Everyone in the room visibly relaxes. I roll my eyes at them. “Let’s start with you, Ms. Phoenix.” Fadi motions for me to stand up. I continue to sit in my seat, “I’ve already spoken to you about what I’ve done and what I plan to do, Mr. Torre. Let me not waste your time or ours.” “I’m sure the rest of the staff would like to know your plans.” I get up, ‘Well, everyone. As you all know I started introducing the idea of treatment to IDL when before it was unheard of. My plans are to open up an adjoining office solely for treatment for individuals who suffer an illness on the autism spectrum, and I would like to do more general testing and incorporate testing into our treatment.” Everyone looks between Fadi and me. “Very well thought out. And please,” he lingers on my eyes before addressing everyone else, “call me Fadi. Mr. Torre is my father and I’m not that old yet.” He lets out a practiced chuckle and everyone copies. He proceeds to go down the table of staff members and professors. They all say the same thing as me and I’m not sure if they’re just doing it because that’s what I want to hear or if we’re all on the same page. “Well, Matt.” Fadi says as everyone files out of the office, including me. “You have a great team and great team leader. Phoenix is very driven and I appreciate her future for IDL. It’s what I always wanted—wishing—IDL did more.” “I told you, with her, IDL will advance greatly.” “All right, Matt. Have your financial people call my assistant. I would love to be a benefactor of IDL. And I would like to become more involved. This can be like a pet project for me.” Just as I’m exiting I catch Fadi smiling at me. I ignore him and get ready for Raymond’s visit.

I hear a soft grunting noise and see Matt standing by the door. I look back at the computer and notice it’s ten-thirty. I sigh out. I get up and gather my things for Raymond’s visit. “Excuse me, Matt. Raymond will be here soon.” “Oh he’s already here. He’s talking to Fadi. That’s why I came to talk to you. As I’m approaching the waiting room I hear Raymond laughing. I stop and stare at him. He looks…great. Raymond’s mom is smiling and looking at her son in awe as well. Raymond has become more sociable than me. I walk over to them and plaster on a smile, “Hi, Raymond.” “Hi, Phoenix.” He says, stopping in mid-sentence with Fadi to pay me full attention. “How have you been?” I ask completely ignoring the other two adults. Raymond’s mom is used to it, but I can see Fadi staring at me. I motion for Raymond to step into the first testing room. I shut the door behind us. “So, how have you been?” I ask as we sit down across from each other. “Good.” He responds looking at the floor. “That’s great. But do you think you can look into my eyes when you say that?” “Yes I can. I am capable of it.” He says and then looks into my eyes. I smile softly, “There’s no reason why you can’t. We’re friends.” He sighs but continues to hold my stare. I begin questioning him about several things. He tells me about school and his parents. I ask him about his friends and he finally lets go of my gaze. “What is it?” I ask worried that it’s the bullies again. During the school year Raymond’s mother called me a few times about some kids that were bullying Raymond. She didn’t like that he would sit back and let them call him names. I came up with a strategy for her and Raymond to work through. After a month the bullying stopped, but you never know with kids, especially teenagers. “Nothing,” he says shyly. I notice he’s blushing. “Raymond, do you have a girlfriend?” I question playfully. I know I shouldn’t make a big deal about it, but I can’t help it. I love Raymond as if he were my own…as if he were my brother. I’ve been seeing him since I first started here as an intern eight years ago. I became an “official” employee three years ago. Just as I’m about to start playing cognitive games with him to see how much has changed this past year, someone knocks at the door. I ask Raymond to get it and remind him to look the person in the eyes and to speak clearly.

FADI

I ask Matt if I can observe Phoenix’s session with Raymond. He speaks to the mother first and then beckons me to follow him. He knocks two times on the door Phoenix and Raymond went through. Raymond answers. “Hi, Raymond.” “Hel—“ Phoenix clears her throat. Raymond looks up to meet Matt’s eyes, “Hello, Matt.” “May we come in?” Raymond turns to Phoenix and she nods her head once. Looking into Matt’s eyes, without Phoenix prompting Raymond, he says, “Yes, you may.” Matt and I walk toward the back of the room and sit down. Phoenix gives one look to Matt and even I know she is not thinking pleasant thoughts. However, as soon as she directs her attention back to Raymond she’s more human; she smiles, laughs, and her face is much more expressive. Fifteen minutes into their session she beckons us over. “Since you two are here you can participate as well.” She takes out a few games from the desk behind her. We move our chairs closer. “Actually, let’s get rid of the chairs and sit on the floor.” She directs her attention to Raymond, “Raymond, do you mind explaining the rules of the games to Matt and Mr. Ferdinand, please?” She points to her eyes. Raymond explains to us the rules as we sit down on the floor looking from Matt to me. You can tell he’s been worked on a lot and if these bi-yearly visits are all he’s getting, he’s doing a great job. I don’t recognize any of the games Phoenix takes out. “Phoenix brought these games in. Not just for A’s, but for all children.” Matt says. I assume “A’s” is code for children with autism. We spend the next hour playing different social skills games. Then, Phoenix gets up from the floor, “All right, everyone. Thank you for participating. Thank you, Raymond for seeing me again. I hope we can see each other more often this year.” “Thank you, Phoenix. I hope to see you too.” Raymond gets up and gives Phoenix a hug. She opens the door for him and lets him walk out first. I let Matt go ahead of me and I come up behind Phoenix to hold the door open for her. “Wanna go to the beach?” I ask her as she’s walking out. “Gotta work.” She says drily. I watch Phoenix talk to the mom briefly and then she heads back to her office. I follow her. She doesn’t acknowledge me. I lean against the doorframe as she sits down at her computer and starts to type. I stand there for a few minutes; nothing. I clear my throat, “I know Raymond was your only appointment today. What work do you have to do?” She finally takes notice of me. “I have work to do.” She repeats and continues to work at her computer. With Raymond she was talkative and kind; now she’s distant and detached.  I feel the office becoming silent and attentive. Phoenix suddenly gets up and walks past me without saying a word.

PHOENIX

I click print on my document and get up to retrieve it from the shared printer. I walk past Fadi, who is still leaning against my door. As I make my way toward the printer, I notice everyone staring. What are they staring at? I look around the office: At the two girls who share a desk by the emergency exit; at Matt in his office in the opposite corner; at the closed door of the room next to Matt’s office; at the waiting room in the entrance; at my office in the corner and then back to the printer. Everyone is staring at me—at Fadi and me. I take the papers the printer spits out and make my way back to my hole in the wall. Fadi is still there and again I walk past him without saying a word. “C’mon. Let’s go to the beach.” He repeats. I sit down at the desk and stare at the papers in my hands. I want to leave, but I don’t want to be with anyone. I look to my left hoping the Universe will open up a black hole just for me. I sigh out in resignation and start to shut down my work station. When I get up I notice Fadi smiling from ear-to-ear. Without directing any form of verbal speech to him I gather my things and walk out of the office. He follows me and we head toward the parking lot together. “Would you like to ride with me?” He asks. “It’s OK. I live at the beach.” His smile somehow brightens, “Me too. How about we just meet at Books&Books for lunch?” “Fine.” I say over my shoulder as I continue walking toward my car. I see him get in his a few spaces down from me. The second I get in and turn on the engine my stomach rumbles. Other than clocks, watches, and other evil time devices; my body mercilessly lets me know the time: noon. I take a few deep breaths and imagine the cavity within my chest closing up with an imaginary thread. For a few minutes it works and then it bursts open again. I pull out of the parking lot ignoring the canyon that is my chest and flood my head with what I can eat at the restaurant.

FADI

I get into my car and wait for her to pull out before heading to the restaurant. I feel like an adolescent; excited that the popular girl accepted his proposal. From what I can gather from the lab she’s obviously not the popular girl, but she’s so assertive and sure in her work. It doesn’t really translate in social situations. As I drive I remember when Matt once told me something about one of his employees. I wonder if it was her. I follow her into the mall parking garage and park right next to her. I get out of the car and notice she’s not getting out of hers. I rush to the driver’s side and open the door for her. She looks up at me with a quizzical look. “What?” I say. “Chivalry isn’t dead.” I smile at her. She gets out of her car without responding.   We walk together to Books&Books, I try to start conversations with her but she turns me down each time. We get to the restaurant and the waiter points us to a small table. I pull the chair out for her and she gives me another odd look. I wonder what she means by these expressions. We sit down and she immediately orders water for us. “What if I didn’t want water?” I tease her. “You can change it if you like. I’ll have your water.” “So intimate already? Slow down, kid.” Before looking back at the menu, she rolls her eyes. A reaction! I laugh silently to myself. “So,” I begin. She raises her hand interrupting me, “Look. Let’s not do this. Let’s not pretend we’re interested in one another. I wanted to get out of the office and I knew Matt would let me if I left with you.” “So, why are we here together?” She sighs out before answering, “Because I’m hungry. And I thought it’d be easier to kill time this way.” She mumbles the last part, intending for me not to hear. “I see. So you’re just using me?” I say knowing she won’t actually respond. “Yes.” She says softly. Despite the negativity, I smile at my small triumph.   The waiter comes back and we order our meals. The food comes and we eat in silence. I insist on paying for the meal and she accepts. “Come to the beach with me.” I demand. She looks out toward the beach, but doesn’t say a word. “Fine.” She complies after a few minutes. “Let me head back to my car and change.” She says. “All right. Me too.” We walk back together in silence; we change in silence; we walk to the beach in silence. How can a person stay silent for so long? We sit down on the sand and look out toward the water. I observe her as she stares out toward the silent tumbling waves. I observe her tanned, freckled shoulders, her lean muscles rolling from one to the next. She lets her hair cascade down her body and it gathers on the sand behind her. It blows in the wind catching random rays of sunshine making her hair appear as if it’s threaded in gold.  I reach out thoughtlessly to touch just one golden strand, suddenly she shifts and I catch myself. Her eyes are closed and her body is open, accepting the warmth of the sun. There’s tension in her posture, but less than I’ve observed all day. After a few minutes like this she lies down and covers her eyes with her arm. Her hair pools out around her. Her body straight and rigid, but somehow relaxed. Just as I open my mouth to ask her a question, to get her to move her lips she surprises me with a question of her own. “Why do you keep asking me to come to the beach?” Her arm is still over her eyes, so I appreciate the imperfect beauty of her lips. I don’t answer immediately and she props herself on one elbow and looks me straight in my eyes. I notice a soft dusting of freckles on her nose, most likely from many years of being at the beach. She yanks the truth out of me, “Because most women find the beach soothing. It’s a good place for a first date.” I keep expecting her to react, but nothing. After a while she says, “You mean it’s a good place to bring them so you can get in their pants later.” I smile at her blunt remark, “Is it working?” She half-smiles, “Maybe.”

PHOENIX

A smile creeps out from my lips. I get up suddenly and into the water. I let the waves lick at my calves, knees, thighs. I wade farther into the ocean letting it drown me, keeping me in this moment. A smile! I touch my face; I touch the muscles that could produce such an emotion. I feel a twinge in my chest and I look down. I feel my heart swell and fill the empty hole for just a second. Unexpectedly, a wave comes out of nowhere and crashes over my head. I make my way back up gasping for breath. I touch my face again and the smile left me behind along with the wave. I sigh out knowing that the twelve muscles it took to produce a genuine smile was just a fluke. I stay in the water for a little while hoping that maybe another fluke will happen. Fadi comes in and stands beside me. We dance with the waves as we watch the sun go down. Seven-thirty. Another day has passed quickly enough. I’m so grateful that somehow I killed seven hours with a stranger.   “Do you want to do something tonight?” Fadi looks straight into my eyes. “Yes.” My mouth sputters out before my mind got a chance to deny him once again. I hear Fadi release a breath. When I get back we walk to shore and I lie down on the sand. I prop my head up slightly with my arms to see the last rays of the sun gripping onto the ocean for just a few more seconds. Every day it succeeds to brighten the blue water longer and longer. When the last of it has gone under and only the distant memory of warmth is remembered, I turn to Fadi, “What are we doing?” “Nothing.” He replies simply. “Nothing?” “Nothing.” He confirms.

FADI

Phoenix and I job back to my place. She walks in assertively and starts to undress. She turns around without saying a word and beckons me to follow her to the bedroom. I start to undress as well.

PHOENIX

I touch his arms as they move smoothly over my body. He slides in and out effortlessly as I squeeze him harder. I arch my back trying to force him deeper. His lips press against my jaw, my cheek, my hairline. I shift slightly with each kiss. The build-up quickly comes and we both feel released. He shrugs off to the side and I lie there for a few moments.

“You’re leaving already?” He mutters more into the pillow than to me. “I have stuff to do, Fadi.” I start putting on my clothes.

 Chapter 5

PHOENIX

“Hello,” the voice says on the other end. “Greta.” I say breathless. “Nixie? Are you serious?” She says sounding cross. “Don’t be mad Greta. I know I haven’t called. You gotta understand. Please don’t. I really need you right now.” I plea, almost crying. She sighs sounding annoyed. “It’s completely fucked up Phoenix. You didn’t answer our calls, emails, Facebook, nothing. You know that other people lost them too. Not just you.” “Greta. I’m at Dani’s grave. Can you please just come.” Greta takes a while to answer back. “Fine, I’ll be there.” “Don’t bring Dominic.” “Ugh. Phoenix, you’re not making this easy. Three in the fucking morning!” “Thanks, Greta. I love you.” “Fuck you.” I smile at her familiar response and wait for her to come get me.

I jostle awake when I feel someone’s hand on my bare back. The hand draws little circles up and down my spine. I open my eyes slowly. “Greta,” I breathe out. “Nixie,” she says. “You’re covered in dirt. And what a beautiful dress. Come on. Let’s get you cleaned.” I let her pick me up. She helps me into the car, but doesn’t come in immediately. In the soft glow of one of the streetlights I see her stand briefly over the grave I was lying on. She kneels down on the one next to it and touches two headstones. I feel tears wanting to escape, but I push those back and instead stare numbly at her. She gets into the car and the first thing out of my mouth, “Do you have a joint?” She gives this look, which I am too tired to analyze. She reaches under me and takes out a small box of CD cases. She opens one and hands me a tiny joint. Just enough for three, life-saving puffs. I turn on the car’s lighter and wait for it to heat up. I light the joint and take a nice, long drag, practically finishing it. Greta drives out of the cemetery and I let the smoke stay in the car for a little while before opening the windows. I look at Greta as she drives in angry silence. I reach out to touch her puffy, brown hair. She hasn’t cut it in a while, it’s really long. Almost as long as mine. I play with its softness. “Mmmmmh.” Greta smiles at me, “High already? You were always a light weight.” I giggle. “I miss you.” I say suddenly. I touch her cheek, her lips, and then I settle on her hand. Holding it in mine, playing with her fingers one by one. “Phoenix.” “Hmmm?” She pulls her hand back, “Now that I have you willing we need to talk.” I scowl at her and grab her hand again. She lets me keep it this time and I continue to play leisurely with her fingers, tracing their shape and running my fingertips along the lines of her palm. “Where are you living?” “On Ocean.” “What are you doing?” “I’m caressing your hand.” “No, you idiot. What’s your job?” “I work at IDL. I’m almost done with my doctorate degree.” “Wow. I had no idea you were at school. I thought you were done.” “I can’t be done. I have to keep going. Keep moving. Can’t stand still.” I feel my eyelids draw heavily over my eyes, shielding them from her sympathetic expression. “Oh, Nixie. What are you doing? Why haven’t you called?” “Because I don’t want to deal with that stare. I don’t want anyone to speak to me about him and my girls. No one understands the pain I feel. The helplessness. You will never understand that, Besides, you left me before it happened. How could I go to you?” “Nixie—“ “No, Greta. You left me because we had a fight. You couldn’t stand being with me anymore. You couldn’t take it. You couldn’t care less about me. You stopped loving me. No matter my efforts at trying to be your friend, consistently showing you how much I love you. Nothing. Who the fuck do you think are?” I can see the pain in her eyes, but she sets her jaw and doesn’t say a thing. I still hold onto her hand and caress it, not wanting to let her go. “If things were different. If someone could have somehow managed to get you off your fucking pedestal and still be my friend. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this black hole. I blame you, Greta. I blame you that I am here. I could’ve been more sane. But I can’t. I can’t fucking stop thinking about them and their faces and theirs laughs. And I think about everything we did together and you and Dominic were always a part of it. But you fucking left me. I feel like you didn’t even try.” “Phoenix. I did try. I’ve called you every Fucking Tuesday for the past four years.” I remember yesterday’s phone call knowing it was her trying to contact me. “I mean, I’m surprised you didn’t change your number.” She says. “No,” I say, “you did. You’re a fucking bitch you know that? Ugh. Stop the car. I want to get out.” “No. I’m not letting you leave again.” “Me? Leave? I never left you!” I see tears starting to run down her cheeks. She pulls over and puts the car in park. She turns toward me and faces me full on, “Nixie. I’m sorry. I let things get way out of hand. I let my emotions run wild and then you admitted all those feelings for me I just couldn’t. I saw everything you did. I noticed all of your selfless acts. I stalked you all the time, Phoenix. I saw the pain you were in before Dani and the girls. I noticed, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t just succumb to you like that. I have too much pride. And everything with Dominic would be ruined. I wanted to commit myself to you. I wanted you and I to be one and I didn’t want to share you with anyone, not even the girls. I wanted you all for me and I knew that if I asked you to, you would. I didn’t want to believe how much you loved me, I didn’t want to let you, but I knew.” At the revelation of her words, I feel an old part of myself jump up in glee shouting I knew it! I knew it! But I can’t react how she wants me to. She made her bed and now she must lie in it. “You selfish bitch. You think you can tell me this now and I’ll break and be yours? After everything that has happened? You created this. You created the numb bitch that I am today. I’ve taken who you are and exaggerated it. I’m now practically running an entire department at the university. I fuck around with random people just to get the sexual frustration out, I’m a bitch to everyone, and I have no friends. You think that because I’m in a moment of weakness, I’ll break and be your little bitch? If you want to make things right, it’s your turn to fucking beg on your knees and kiss my feet!” I push the car down open and get out. I slam it shut and walk ahead, away from her. I was wrong in calling her. I know why I did. I wanted to hear those words, but most of all I wanted her to actually see me. I want her to feel the pain I am in, because she never had an idea. She continues to sit in her car, not moving. I sigh out heavily and realize that I’m still far from the house. I’m too tired to run and my feet will never make the trip home. I cut across the road and head toward the beach. Without realizing I pass the big marquees from earlier tonight. There’s still bustling about putting away dinnerware and decorations. A crew has already started to take down the big tents.

“Phoenix?” I look up and find Fadi where I was standing just hours before coming undone at the seams. I try to give him a smile, but I know it’s hopeless. Looking at his face I think he does to. “I’m not here looking for you,” I say. “Didn’t think you were.” He studies my face, “Looks like you’ve had an eventful night.” I grunt out a smile. “Would you like breakfast?” “It’s not morning yet.” “So?” I smile at him. I take his extended arm and he grabs my shoes from my hands. “So, Ms. Phoenix, might I ask what you were up to over that way?” “No.” I smile in spite of myself. “Why, Ms. Phoenix, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you are intoxicated. Is that what you were doing further up the beach? Getting high? With surfers, I’m sure.” “Oh yes. During a drum circle, no doubt while someone played the guitar and sang kumbaya.” I giggle and Fadi joins in with me. “Well, we must definitely eat now. I’m sure you’ll be hitting those munchies pretty hard.” “I don’t normally get the munchies. Well, not until someone mentions them!” I swat him on the arm like an obnoxious fly. “Where are we going to eat? Nothing’s open now. Well no place with decent food.” “My place. I make some delicious waffles with homemade syrup.” “Hmmm…You had me at my place.” I giggle. He looks down at me, with a befuddled, but amused expression. As we’re making our way off the beach it starts to rain. And true to Florida weather it doesn’t just rain, it pours. Bucketfuls of water being emptied down upon us as if we need a good scrubin’. We laugh and run. Fadi struggles to open his door with slippery fingers and I giggle hysterically. We burst into his quaint cottage in hysterics. “Bath?” “Yes!” I shout a little too loudly. I follow him to the bathroom and he starts the bath as I start to undress. He looks at me, “You’re not shy, are you?” “Why would I be? It’s not like you’ve never been with a woman. You know what we look like.” I’ve never been shy of my body, often getting naked in front of anyone and everyone. People make a big deal of nudity. It’s how we emerge into this world; it’s how we part. I get into the steaming hot water and wait for him to join me. He undresses and I appreciate the ripples of muscles down his back. He shies away from me, not letting me see all of him. I giggle. “But you’re shy.” “It’s always weird to be naked in front of someone new. I’m at my most vulnerable.” “Lies. You’re at your most vulnerable when you show your weaknesses. Is your body a weakness?” He gets in the shower. “Your body is not a weakness.” His voices lowers and rumbles through me. “What a line.” He shrugs and I sink down into the now full tub. I wait for him to join me. We leave the overhead shower on. I bring my knees up to my chest, ignoring Fadi, and face the rain of the shower. I let it wash off the remaining of the makeup and look back at Fadi. I know what he’s expecting and I’ll let him have it. There’s no point in denying physical needs despite everything. “I thought you wanted to keep things professional. What brought this on?” “Well, you caught me at a disadvantage. I still mean what I said, but that doesn’t mean we have to deny each other this. It’s obviously something we both want. Sex is not a big deal and I’m not like other women.” I reach over and pat his knee, “I’m not gonna fall in love with you and want your babies after one time.” He cocks his head to the side like a puppy and smiles. He eases into me. I let our bodies melt into one. There’s nothing better than having sex with someone, especially someone new. Everything is exciting, every touch is enticing. I welcome his warm touch; it’s been a while since I had sex. With each push inward I let my emotions hide again, falling back into the numbing habit of a state of emotionaless. I concentrate on his touch, on the way his hands move up and down my body, his breath against my cheeks, my neck. I focus on his stubble scratching my forehead, the way my hands move against his toned arms up to his square jaw. I pull playfully on his lips and let the high make this experience more pleasurable knowing that the high will wear off.

FADI

I wake up to find the sun in my face. Why didn’t I pull the shades closed last night? I try to get up, but notice a woman pushing her butt against me. I realize it’s Phoenix: her long, golden brown hair aglow in the morning sun making it appear as if it’s made of gold. I lie back down enjoying the way the sun heightens her features. Her skin throws off gold tints, her hair is woven with the finest gold, and if she were to open her eyes I’m sure they’d be made of liquid gold. I’m in awe of her beauty and her assertive behavior. She’s more brazen than other women I’ve ever met. The sleeping beauty stirs. She grabs for her phone on my nightstand, but doesn’t find it of course. I hand her mine and she opens her eyes more to notice her surroundings. She is just as disoriented as I was this morning. Nevertheless, she checks the time before addressing me. She grunts then she turns to me, “Good morning.” “Good morning.” She looks…shy, bashful actually. I see her cheeks turning pink and I laugh. “I haven’t woken up in someone’s bed in a long time.” She explains. “Really?” “Yes. I don’t sleep over anywhere, I don’t let anyone even enter my condo, and I definitely don’t do anything on a bed.” She smooths out my quilt and picks at a loose string. “Well, I owe you waffles. Do you normally eat breakfast.” She smiles, “Waffles sound lovely. And coffee?” “Yes, and coffee.” I pull on my boxers and throw my undershirt from last night to Phoenix. “Unless you want to eat breakfast naked.” She laughs. “Don’t challenge me.” “Oh that’s not a challenge. It would make my breakfast much more enjoyable.” She throws the shirt on and follows me to the kitchen. “I love your place. I used to live in something like this.” I note sadness in her tone. I turn to look at her and notice the sun has followed her into my eat-in kitchen. How is that possible? “Oh, yeah? In this neighborhood?” “Nah. In the Gables. I’ve only lived in that condo for about three years.” Still noticing a sense of forlorn I change topic. “So, you lived in Nicaragua?” “Yup. Born and raised.” “But you don’t want to go back?” “Mmm…It’s complicated.” “Why is that?” I flip the waffle maker, bring our coffees and sit next to her on the bistro table. “That’s a story for another time. Let’s not ruin my first ever sleep over at another man’s house.” “You’re lying!” “I’m not. I told you, I never sleep at other’s places, they don’t step foot in mine and I never go near the bedroom.” I laugh. “You gotta be kidding. Are you a man or something?” “You know that’s not true.” She takes a generous sip from her coffee. “Hmmm…this is pretty decent coffee.” “Italian.” “Yeah? Nothing I’ve ever tasted.” “Unless you’ve been to Italy you won’t taste it.” “Oh. But it’s not the best.” “No?” “Nope. Nicaragua’s the best. It’s one of their biggest exports. So that must mean something.” “If you say so. But I can’t agree. Not until I try their coffee.” “Deal.” We sit in silence for the rest of breakfast. “Do you mind if I borrow a pair of boxers and a T-shirt?” She asks as she cleans the dishes. “Souvenirs?” “I want to run back to my place, but can’t exactly do that in my dress and heels.” “What about shoes?” “I’m used to running barefoot.” “I saw the bottom of your feet last night, they’re in no shape to withstand pavement and concrete in this hot sun.” She shrugs. “Nope. I don’t have clothes for you.” She stares at me blankly. “Whatever. I’ll run in the dress. Not like I didn’t run in it last night.” She finishes the plates and walks into my bathroom. I go into my bedroom and lay out the boxers and shirt she wanted. I join her in the bathroom and notice her brushing her teeth with my toothbrush. “Seriously?” I ask. “Does it bother you?” “Well, for someone who doesn’t do sleepovers you know what to do the next morning. If I didn’t owe you breakfast would you have made something for me?” “Nope. I would’ve tried to sneak out without you noticing. But I love waffles and can’t say no to them. I’m in W.A.” I laugh at her joke and she looks pleased with herself. She rinses out the toothbrush and hands it to me. “I think you need it more than I do now. Your breath stinks.” I laugh even harder before blowing air into her face. She squinches it up and gags, which only makes me laugh louder. She comes back into the bathroom smiling and dressed, “Thank you.” She reaches up to kiss me on the cheek. “I don’t agree with it, but what can I do. Are you a masochist?” “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I shake my head at her, “You, Ms. Phoenix, amaze me.” “I amaze a lot of people. I’m gonna go now. I’m sure my sister is wondering where I am.” She grabs for her dress and shoes and phone and makes her way out of my house. “Bye. See you later.” I call out. “Sure.” She replies before closing the door behind her.

 Chapter 6

PHOENIX

I run home enjoying the morning damp air hitting my face. I don’t want to concentrate on the fact that I was intimate with someone. I don’t want to concentrate on the fact that I played house with another man. I shut out all noise and memories from last night and concentrate on the rocky pavement beneath my feet, the way the pebbles dig into my soles scraping out another layer of skin. I concentrate on the air being forced in and out of my lungs as I maintain breath. I concentrate on each muscle of my legs as they extend and retract, my arms as they help push me forward, my abdomen to maintain good posture. Without even realizing it, I make it home. I take the stairs for fear of standing still. I don’t want to think, I just want to get moving forward, away from everything; from everyone.

I walk in and Kay is making coffee. “You’re up early.” I say surprised. “Couldn’t sleep. You weren’t home.” “Were you scared?” “No. I was worried. You’ve never slept somewhere else before.” She looks at me questioningly. “I was with Fadi.” “You slept at his house?” I nod. Her eyes grow bigger and rounder. “Kay, you can’t believe that I’ve been celibate all this time.” “No, but I know that you never slept somewhere else. I know you better than you think, Nixie. Give me some credit.” I walk past her to my bedroom. She follows me in the bathroom. “What do you want Kay? I would like to shower. I stink.” She bites her lip and picks at a scab on her finger, “Greta called.” I don’t answer her. “Why is she calling?” “I saw her yesterday.” “What?” “Kay, I really don’t want to tell you everything that happened. I saw her yesterday, we got into a fight and she’s probably trying to fight some more. With her I never know.” “Well, I answered.” “Why would you do that?” “Because it’s not Tuesday! She always calls on Tuesday.” “What did she say?” I poke my head out of the bathroom. “She wanted to know where you were, when I said you weren’t home yet she hung up.” “She probably thought I was still walking home or something.” She gives me a questioningly look. I wave my hand. “Now unless you want to join me in the shower, leave.” Before she makes it all the way out she looks down, “Nixie?” “Yes, Kay?” “Will the pain ever subside?” I let out a sigh, “I don’t know Kay.” “Are you even trying?” “Yes, Kay I am.” She pauses for a moment, “I like Fadi.” I get in the shower and ignore her for the rest of the day.

FADI

“Hey”. “What’s up man?” I greet Charlie with a bear hug. “I hope you’re ready.” I don’t respond. I put on a pair of gloves and mouth guard and walk to the center of the ring. Charlie stretches his neck and punches the air a few times. “OK, Rocky. Let’s get to it. How do you want to call it?” I laugh at him. “Best of five.” We start coming at each other and I get a few kicks in, but he dominates the first round.

“Ha! I beat you again. Just call it.” Charlie pants. I bend over, “Nu uh. I’m not gonna give up. I’ll outlast you.” “Never. Just face it man. I got you beat.” “Fine.” I take off the gloves and walk to the pro shop and buy a protein bar. Charlie joins me and buys a shake. “Hey. So how are the numbers looking on the Stevens case?” I ask Charlie. “I don’t know. Something’s off. I think you should stick to your dad’s company. It looks like it’s going to kick up again.” “Are you sure? I don’t want to invest in it if it’s not hundred percent.” “Nothing is hundred percent. But it’s got pretty good chances. Italy’s doing great this year. I think with Greece failing so bad. Read the reports I sent you.” “I don’t need to read them. I know how my dad’s business is doing. I’ve been running it.” “I’m sure. How’s he doing?” “Fine.” “You’re investing in a college?” “Yeah.” “The numbers look good?” “Yes, I would say the prospects hold potential.” “What made you even look at IDL. Other than the fact that you thought you wanted to be a psychologist?” “I owed a friend a favor.” ”Owing a favor is one thing, but actually investing is another.” “It’s a good investment. I won’t see the benefit now, but I will later. And anyways since it’s a university I get a write off.” Charlie’s phone rings, “All right, man. I gotta take this. Another fight Saturday morning?” “Sure thing.” I pat him on the back and jog home leaving my car at the gym.

PHOENIX

I wake up just as the sun is rising from the depths of the ocean. I think back my graduation last night: Kay fussing over my hair and shoes, me sitting with all the cords and what-nots, Matt handing me my doctorate, Kay shouting in pride, taking a picture with Rory, me wanting to leave. I get up from my bed and sneak into Kay’s room. I unobtrusively slide into bed with Kay. I lie next to her until I feel her nudging me awake. I look at her bedside clock: 10:30 am. I smile at this small gift from the Universe. “Good morning, Sunshine.” Kay says beaming. “How does it feel to be a doctor.” I laugh, she joins me. “Why are you in here?” she asks. “I wanted a warm body. I didn’t think I would keep sleeping.” “How about I make you breakfast and then we call Mama and Papa.” “OK.”

We eat while we talk to our parents. They apologize for not coming and I reassure them that it’s fine. I wouldn’t want them with me anyways. It’s been a long time since I last saw them and I prefer it that way. Kay visits twice a year and she lets me in on all the gossip. “Did Kay tell you she’s going to Washington for an internship?” I ask them removing the attention away from me. Kay flushes and shakes her head. “No. We didn’t know.” My mom says. “I was going to tell you, but I didn’t want to take Nixie’s thunder. It’s a writing workshop in Washington. It’s supposed to be one of the best and it’s only for half the summer. If I do this I might be able to secure a job. It’s amazing that they’re letting me considering I’ve already graduated.” “I really do hate that you didn’t want to walk. Your sister did.” My dad says. “Yeah, but Nixie had no choice, her professors look forward to this moment. She tried to convince them not to, but you know how old people are.” I laugh at her attempt to take the heat off herself. Both my parents focus their attention on me again and I see tears running down my mom’s face. “All right, well, I gotta go. I love you guys.” I say, avoiding them. “Wait. Nixie. How about you come with your sister after her internship then?” My dad insists. “I can’t, Papa. I have a ton of work to do at IDL and we just got this huge grant. I need to set up research studies, and look into building or buying another space. Sorry.” I shrug. Kay rolls her eyes at me. I get up and change into workout clothes. I wave good-bye to my parents and Kay and run out the door.

FADI

I walk out of Big Pink and decide to go the beach. I came here to get away from business and it’s all I’ve been doing. I start stripping off my suit and tie. As I come closer to the water I notice Phoenix lying on the sand. I’m taken aback, she looks like a golden statue. Her body is titled up as if welcoming the sunbeams. I’ve never seen her so open before. I sit down next to her and take off my shoes and socks. I’m just in my pants, tempted to take those off as well. I make all this noise and she doesn’t stir. I observe her arched back, her arms on either side of her, palms facing up, her feet planted firmly on the sand. Finally, she relaxes her pose and looks at me. “How long have you been there, creeper?” I smile, “Long enough.” She continues to lie there. “Do you normally come to the beach in your fancy suits?” “Only with you.” She laughs softly. I missed that laugh. “How are you, Mr. Ferdinand?” “You want to start that again?” She giggles, “No. What’s up, Fadi?” “Very funny. Just got out of a business lunch.” “Sounds like fun.” “Very.” I unbutton my pants. “I see you’re busy at work as well.” “Oh. Yes, I’m conducting an experiment.” “About?” “On the effects of the sun and the people who wear a suit on the beach.” “Interesting. Are you getting enough data.” “Oh, yes. I have a very willing participant.” She laughs heartily. “Someone is in a good mood.” She frowns suddenly. “I wouldn’t say I’m in a good mood. I’m just laughing. Moods are subjective. It’s all about perception and the way life presents itself at the moment of conception. Would I have found this conversation funny five months ago, probably not. Would I have found it just as funny five years ago, probably funnier. You see, it’s all about what else is going on in our lives that determines our sense of humor, not if we have a sense of humor or not.” “Is this your conclusion for your experiment?” I ask trying to steer her away from not laughing. She laughs. It worked! “Yes.” She gets up and then bends down to drag me up as well. She pulls me to the water and I shake my head at her, she nods. We splash into the water and I can hear her giggle as I come up for breath. I grab her and throw her further in the ocean. She squeals and I laugh whole-heartedly.

PHOENIX

For just a few minutes, everything feels normal. I can almost forget the last four years. I can almost forget the sound of regular laughter and giggles and squeals. I can almost forget the wall I have set up around myself. I can almost forget the buoyant feeling of selfishness. However, with a pain as deeply carved as mine, it’s impossible to wash out. I don’t let my negative thoughts cloud the happiness I feel right now. If it might not be genuine, I’m still smiling. That’s got to count for something, right?

FADI

I rip off my pants, balling it up and throwing them with the other huddle of clothing on the beach.  We splash around in the water like children, sinking each other under the waves, pushing each other—playing carefree. “I’m so hungry. Let’s pick up some sushi and take it to my place.” Phoenix suggests in between breaths. “Sure.” I grab her and carry her over my shoulder to the beach, she’s giggling frantically, and I almost feel like she’s forcing it out, but don’t question her bubbly laughter. She helps me with my things and we run up the beach to her condo. We storm in fits of laughter. “I win,” she jumps around triumphantly. Her sister, Kay, steps out from her bedroom and looks at Phoenix bewildered. Phoenix turns away from her sister and dashes into the kitchen. “We’re ordering sushi. Want anything?” Kay follows Phoenix in and I don’t fall far behind. “Sure,” she smiles at Phoenix and then at me. Phoenix walks out to grab her cell phone. Kay comes up to me and gives me a hug, “Thank you.” “Sure. For what?” I ask, bemused. She shakes her head and giggles, just like her sister. “Hey,” shouts Kay, “let’s watch a movie.” Phoenix nods as she places the order and I follow Kay. She leads me into what appears to be a den. “Come,” she motions to a desk in the back corner of the room. She flips a switch causing the overhead projector buzz to life while a screen unrolls from the ceiling. “Cool.” I say. “Yeah, our dad is a major techie.” She clicks on several explorers, “Here, sit and pick a movie for us to watch. We have most movies up until 2008. Phoenix used to download movies all the time.” Immediately I find one of my favorites and open it, but pause immediately while we wait for Phoenix. Kay smiles, “I like that one too. I think so does Phoenix.” Feeling accomplished I sit back on the chair. Fifteen minutes later Phoenix walks in with the sushi. She plops down on the oversized soda and pats either side of her. Kay and I obey and we sit down next to her. She hands us what we ordered and the movie starts to play.

PHOENIX

The movie begins and I want to cry. This was one of his favorites. At this moment, I am infinitely grateful to Kay in suggesting we buy a condo at the beach. She knew how much I wanted to and she thought that if I lived out my dream I’d get better. I shrink into the sofa knowing there is no escape. As the movie plays on, the memories invade my head and I’m sucked back into a happier time.

Daniel and I finally settle down into watching a movie. We watch a movie at 9 pm almost every night, whether it’s new or old. This particular movie is pretty old, but it’s one of our favorites and every now and then we like to watch it to remind us what we were like before we had Loraina. Half-way through the movie, Loraina wakes up screaming. I rush to her bedroom; I am always quicker to react than Daniel. She’s complaining of a pain in her stomach. I touch her forehead and feel it a little warm. She has cold sweat running down her cheeks mixed with tears.  She grunts out and I scoop her up to take her to the bathroom, but I didn’t make it in time. She throws up all over me. I try to breathe above the smell, trying so hard not to concentrate on the retching noises she is making as she empties out her stomach down my shirt. I get her in the tub, console her, and tell her everything is fine. She finally finishes turning her stomach inside out and asks, “What happened to you, Mommy?” I want to cry out, but instead I force a smile and say, “You threw up all over me, Silly.” “I’m sorry, Mommy,” she says getting close to tears. I rub her back and turn on the water. I begin to undress her. She fusses with the faucet until it’s the perfect temperature. As soon as I finish, Daniel miraculously appears and takes her in a big, white, fluffy towel. She smiles at him. He takes her to her room, dresses her, and puts her to bed again. Before leaving the bathroom, I take off my clothes and walk toward my bedroom. Daniel catches me on the way there and whistles appreciatively. I scowl at him. He looks at me innocently. Still making my way to our bedroom I say, “How do you manage to disappear every time our child throws up? You have a gift”. “I know,” he responds smugly. I get into the shower and put the water on way too hot. The heat falling on my raw skin feels too good to turn off. As I’m dipping my head back to rinse my hair I feel a sudden cold wind. I open my eyes to find him joining me. I smile and he smiles mischievously back at me. After the shower, we lie in bed leaving the unfinished movie for another day. Suddenly I realize, SHIT! I just finished my period a week ago.

As soon as the movie ends, I rush out of the room tears spilling over from my tired eyes. Both Kay and Fadi notice. “Shit!” I hear Kay say. She gets up ignoring Fadi’s questions. “Just let me be, Kay.” “Nixie? Are you...Are you crying?” I rush to my room; I can’t make it to the bed, my knees give out under me. I curl up into a ball on the floor.

FADI

Kay comes back into the room and shuts everything down. She starts to clean up our dinner, but I grab her arm. “Kay, what’s the matter?” She shakes her head, “I forgot. I forgot it was their movie.” “Whose favorite?” Kay flashes me with a surprised look. “She hasn’t told you has she?” “Told me what?” She grunts out loudly. “I shouldn’t be the one to tell you.” “Kay, is something wrong with Phoenix? Is she sick?” “I wouldn’t say that. I don’t know. I shouldn’t tell you.” “Look,” I reassure Kay, “I haven’t known your sister for long, but I think I’m feeling serious about her. So can you please just tell me so I can fix it?” “That’s the thing, you can’t fix it. No one can. Trust me, we’ve all tried. She needs to be the one to fix it. But since she’s been with you, she’s been acting almost normal. I mean she falls every now and then, but I can see hope in her eyes. I haven’t heard laughing in so long. I won’t tell you, because then you’ll leave and my sister will go back to being the zombie she’s been for the last four years. Nope. No way! I’m not gonna tell you. It’s her decision to make. Not mine. It’s not my life!” She storms out of the room and I don’t stop her. Instead, I walk slowly toward Phoenix’s room. I see her on the floor in the fetal position. She doesn’t appear as if she is crying, but soft sobs escape her mouth. I bend down and touch her, she doesn’t react.

I scoop her up and lay her gently on the bed. “Phoenix,” I whisper. No response. “Phoenix. Is there anything I can do?” I say after some time has passed. She scoots her body closer to mine. I wrap my arms around her and protect her from whatever has caused her pain.

******

I wake up to find the full moon shining down on Phoenix. The moon envelopes her again and Phoenix’s body reacts to its cold embrace. I brush stray hairs away from her face and she stirs. “Shhh, go back to sleep,” I sooth.

“I wasn’t sleeping,” she responds huskily.

I lie next to her in silence, waiting for her to tell me what is wrong.