Happy First Birthday, My Love! 💓
It’s been exactly one year now. I honestly don’t know how to start. I don’t know how to put these thoughts in writing. I don’t know what words to choose.
Bearing a child was never easy. When i say never easy, it means it is extremely hard. Especially in my case that I once suffered a loss. Five months before I conceive, my first baby was taken away from me. And it was mentally, physically and emotionally depressing. After five months, I thought I was over it and that I’m fine. But, the healing that I thought was over is still there, and not healing.
Though after the loss, there was my lovely Zerina who helped Mom to cope. As much as possible, i don’t want to talk about my miscarriage. God is still good, because he gave me Zerina. My sunshine after a devastating loss.
After birth, Zerina’s the only person who kept me sane. There’s alot to take in. There’s a lot of negativity around that I thought I will die drowning. You know what’s hard about depression? When no one believes that you are suffering. When everybody’s thinking that this is just a part of your life’s pointless drama. When no one’s taking it seriously.
Though Zerina do not understand what’s happening, even she doesn’t know what going on and how I feel, she’s still there to listen. She’s there to remind me that no matter what life throws at me, i must keep going because she needs me, more than anyone else. Zerina could not afford losing a mother- at her young age.
You know that feeling when you think that anytime from now, you’ll gonna die? That you’re having a panic attack because you think that death may come your way anytime? That you’ve lost interest interacting with people and even shopping for something because you may not need it anymore because you’ll probably gonna die? And worst, you visualize yourself being burried to your own grave? That’s how depression looks and feels like. And it is not a drama. It is not a ‘IT’S ALL IN THE MIND’ kinda thing. It is real, and it sucks. My husband started to believe i’m suffering when my physical health was compromised. I went to and fro different doctors seeking answers of what’s wrong with my health and made series of tests because of my poor health condition. I am also not ashame that I came to see a psychiatrist because I knew I needed help.
Don’t worry, i’m fine now. And i’ll stay fine eventually.
Fast forward, i am now recovering because of my baby’s help. She acted as my probiotic, which made me mentally stable and happy. She helped me lift my spirit and lighten my mood to the point that I am no longer entertaining negative thoughts because she made me pre-occupied. She took over my brain transmitter and made me nothing but happy.
I can’t believe that you’re one year old now. That we’ve been together inseparable for a year now. I’ve witnessed you grow, I know everything about you. I didn’t miss every single milestone you’ve achieved.
I’m proud that I’ve been the best mom, and that I saw the better version of myself when i’m being a mom. And by being your Mom, i am never a weakling.
I’m crying because of the outpouring joy you’ve given me, just reflecting the bittersweet journey makes me so emotional. I love you so much my love and thank you for everything. You are the greatest blessing I’ve ever had. I couldn’t imagine myself so strong that I was able to surpass the unsurmountable because of you.
Happiest First Birthday My Love Zerina Irsa and Happy Anniversary to us! 💓
