#itsalwaysrainyhere

Today was my last day of volunteering.

I woke up feeling sick. I wasn’t myself the whole day. Not because I was unhappy about leaving, but because -TMI- I shouldn’t have eaten the cherries yesterday before bed.

The work day itself went as usual. Woke up at 5:30 a.m. and since it’s Sunday my parents drove me to work. Then work, work, work and work some more. Run, run, run and run some more between patients’ rooms.

At last, it was time for me to leave. I went and returned my workwear for the last time. Cleaned out my locker, threw away my shoes because they were completely destroyed and gross after one year, said Goodbye to my collegues and just... left. I didn’t cry, afterall I wasn’t upset about leaving. Though, I wasn’t happy, too. It’s strange. Leaving the place where I worked for one year and during said year my life changed. A year ago, I would have never imagined what I as a person would become. 

I will miss my collegues, the unit I worked in, some patients more than the others.

Would I make the same decision again and volunteer for a year? No, probably not.

And still, I’m glad I took a gap year between school and Uni. 

I’m ashamed to say I had no idea that today is The International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia & Biphobia. 

I wasn’t raised religious nor conservative, however I spent my childhood in a openly homophobic, transphobic and biphobic (and pretty much more other -phobic) environment. Growing up made me realise I do not have to be my family. I do not have to share their opinions. And I won’t.

Eventhough I am a strong believer in equality, until now I did nothing to contribute to said equality. It hurts how ignorant I am. From now on I will educate myself, I will try to make my home countries, which still have to accept the LGBT+ community, a better place for all their citizens regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. 

Love is love. Everybody has the right to love whoever they want and be the person they are without having to hide their identity. Everybody should feel safe.

A/N: If you ever stumble upon this post please understand:

I do not try to find excuses for my inaction. I was ignorant, simple as that. This does not make me any less guilty, I know that. But I want to change, I don’t want to be ignorant or inactive anymore. I am willing to learn. I genuinly want to become a decent person.

Also this post isn’t a cry for recognition à la look at me, I’m such a great person I understand lgbt now praise me . This blog is my personal diary, where I write whatever goes through my mind because I would like to have the opportunity to look back at me as a person.

START STUDYING RIGHT NOW!

I’m getting there. There is only one oral exam left. Finals were awful, but at least no more finals anymore.

I had two full weeks time for studying for my Minor Subject and my Major Subject. I only studyed for maybe 2 days. Then had 10 days for studying my other Major Subject. Guess what? Started 2 days before. My nice GPA I worked 2 years for just said goodbye. Also I am soo tired. Went to bed at 1 am today, couldn’t fall asleep until 3~4 am because my heart was racing so fast it hurt. I had to count sheeps(!) to finally knock out. I went through hell this month. And only me, myself and I to blame. I will definitely have one of my exams to be retaken. Oh well...

It’s been exactly one month since I finished school. And today I went there to obviously take my exam and being there felt so different. It’s crazy how fast one can fall out of their routine. School felt just so foreign. I miss being a child.

I just wrote one of my three five hour long pre-final exams!

As always I wish I'd learnt more. Studying two hours in the evening isn't enough at all, I guess. (._.);

Only two more pre-finals to go!

Bad news: However my finals start in a month.

Even worse news: I should have started revising for finals circa 3 month ago. Yeah