#its...yeah

@fablefell​ :    “ i love you. you don’t have to say anything, i just thought you should know. ” silbekkkkkkkkk

it’s not what sebek expects to hear when he joins silver in the stables following their equestrian club meeting. truth be told he’d simply expected the pair of them to work in silence as they often do. sebek & silver have never needed words to communicate. even when they were young they seemed to understand each other without needing to say a thing. even when sebek often finds difficulty understanding anyone, he’s never had that problem with silver. sebek may not agree with silver often, but he’s never found him difficult to read. or so he thought. 

their time together starts as it usually does, the pair of boys caring for their horses in silence, working in sync as they often do. silver seems more quiet than usual ( which is a feat as the human has never been particularly talkative. ) & perhaps that should have tipped sebek off that something was amiss. but unfortunately he misses this sign along with every other sign that could have & should have warned him about the words silver would utter amidst their comfortable silence. 

i love you is not a phrase sebek hears often. not from anyone outside his parents & sebek has reached an age where such affection only leaves him disgruntled. sebek doesn’t want affection, he doesn’t even want love. all he wants is acknowledgement & to do his duty well as a servant & guard to lord malleus. but it’s strange how things turn out isn’t it? sebek so rarely gets what he wants. though some would say he instead gets what he needs. & he does need to be loved. even if he doesn’t realize it yet.

but whether or not sebek needs love, the boy has no idea what to do with it once it’s been given, once it’s been laid so gently at his feet. he’s never asked for silver’s love. he’s never asked anything of him but for his respect. respect he wants, respect he yearns for, respect he longs for as he lay in bed restless in the late hours of night. it’s always been respect he’s longed for. so why?...why does he ---

sebek won’t meet silver’s eyes, won’t dare to even look in the other’s direction. for something in the back of his mind tells him that his eyes will betray him if silver catches even a glance at them. it is said the eyes are the window to the soul but what of souls who’ve long locked & barred themselves from those around them? not that it matters. silver has seen through him even before that, has gone as far as to climb through the fractured glass to rest within sebek’s windowsill. & the younger loathes to admit it, but after all this time, through every instance of impatience & irritation, silver has yet to be thrown out of sebek’s stained glass heart.

❛    don’t be foolish,    ❜  sebek grunts, continuing to brush down the dark hair of his horse as a violent flush rises to his cheeks. it’s all he can think to say. for what does one say to something like that? how do you respond to such an earnest confession like this? were he in a more clear state of mind, sebek would perhaps question whether silver were purposely trying to disarm him, to catch him off guard so the elder can finally get the upper hand on him. but at present this does not even come to mind. for all sebek can think of now is the soft spoken sweetness of silver’s voice & the intensity of his aurora eyes. 

another stretch of silence follows sebek’s words, less comfortable & more tense than it had been when they’d first began their work. it is not often that sebek is at a loss for words & rarely does he ever choose silence in favor of speaking up. but he is now, unable to do or say anything except stare blankly at the brush in his hand as a mantra of silver’s confession play back in his head. 

but as much as he’d prefer to leave it at that & to leave silver hanging as the other has so often done to him, sebek knows deep down silver’s words are true. & as much as the other may irritate him, he does not hate silver. he cannot hate silver. no matter how much he would like to. therefore sebek does feel he owes something more than his brisk dismissal. silver deserves some sort of answer, doesn’t he? even if sebek doesn’t know what that answer is yet.  

❛    you ought to know better, silver,    ❜  he chides. but sebek’s heart isn’t in it & the statement overall lacks the usual bite it would usually have. therefore the words feel more like a habitual response rather than something truly coming from sebek’s heart. but at the moment sebek’s heart is too clouded with doubt & confusion that all he knows how to do is pretend that nothing has changed.  ❛    you & i...    ❜  a beat & a bit of sebek’s uncertainty begins to shine through. & for a moment a glimpse of his younger self shines through, his face softer & bright red.  ❛    if we are to serve the young master to the best of our ability, we cannot allow...distractions to get in the way of our duties. & even if you have allowed yourself to stray from your duty, i have not.     ❜  

these words do in fact come from the heart, albeit not without said heart feeling rather heavy as sebek speaks them. it’s not exactly an answer he wants to give, it might not even be the answer he should give. but it’s the answer he needs to give. 

whatever silver feels for him, whatever sebek may realize he comes to feel in return, neither of them must stray from what is right. at least not now. not when they still have much to do before they’ve reached the end of their training & education. perhaps if a time comes in the future & silver still feels this way for him, sebek may have a moment of selfish pursuit of happiness. if that’s something he wants that is. sebek doesn’t know what he wants. he’d been so sure for so long but now? ---  

❛   i’m sorry,    ❜  sebek murmurs after another stretch of silence. it’s been a long time since the boy has spoken so softly & even longer since he’s given silver an actual apology. but the painful twist in his stomach tells him that silver is owed it just as much as he is owed an answer. maybe then this uncomfortable, confusing feeling can go away & sebek won’t have to linger on it & its meaning in weeks, months, years to come. but it doesn’t go away. not when sebek sets his brush down, not even when he leaves silver alone in the silent stable. & hours from now when sebek lays restlessly awake in bed, he knows this feeling will never leave him. not for as long as he lives.