#ithinkimawriter

One of the hardest parts of self harm for me is that even though I haven't cut in ages I still have urges. I hate when it happens it's like my anxiety feeds my sadness and anger and makes me think horrible triggering thoughts, I swear it's like screaming at me "BLEED OUT BITCH" "DO IT PUSSY" "IF ITS REALLY THAT BAD WHY THE FUCK AINT YOU GRABBING A KITCHEN KNIFE AND CUTTING YOURSELF?" Then it comes on real soothingly like coaxing me into a trap "if you kill yourself you won't hurt anymore honey" "I know you're tired, if you do this you won't ever have to endure anymore suffering" "do it, do it, do it" until I'm in a trance and I almost lose myself for a second and entertain the idea of hurting myself. Then I snap out of it and I'm like "No, fuck off, I'm not stupid, I am strong, I want to live" then comes the most intense anxiety like the oxygen is being sucked out of the room all because I won the fight with my head and get to live another day or so till I hit rock bottom again. It's so exhausting fighting my head it drains so much out of me. I am often lost in thought. I hate it, it's like my brain makes me absent from life. Everything can be happening around me and I get tunnel vision and get so lost in my head that I can't hear anyone or things don't make sense. Sometimes I need to reread things or have someone say something multiple times before my brain can make any sense of it because my brain was focused on my inner monologue. It's annoying.

The worst part is that love cannot save me. Even when I am wrapped up in his arms or surrounded by people that love me I still feel pain. I cannot remember a time where I enjoyed things and really felt okay but, I must've felt that way before or these feelings of numbness would not feel so wrong.

I think if everyone actually knew how painful my brain was and how much my body physically hurts they'd let me kill myself. Everything hurts. I want it to end but everyone is selfish and wants me here for them and for their peace of mind I cannot leave. I can't handle it anymore, I want to give up, I want to die.

Love. I am so in love with you. Time stands still when you touch me, it freezes when you kiss me. I wouldn't want it any other way. I swear it's electric like how you think love is supposed to be, I find my self filled with warmth and so much happiness when he smiles, I could stare at his beauty for hours and I do, often. When my name rolls off the top of his tongue it sends a shiver of excitement up my spine but, the way he says my name holds more gravity than the fact that he says it. Stern when he cares, sweet when I can hear the love in his tone and comforting when I need him to keep me sane, and I think each time he says it I fall more and more in love with him. I am drowning in love, so much love you can feel it, you can see it. I am always hoping that this love will be with me forever but, I would be glad just to say that I felt it and basked in it's glory even if only for a moment.

Just gotta keep going...going...going...