#it'sworthit

Two posts in one day....probably three because a lot of things happened today.

So If you’re like me and you want to go on two different semester programs to two different cities, you might run into a little problem.....There isn’t enough time to fill out your visa! 

yeah...that was my face too...

So what do you do?! You call your passport provider and you get a secondary passport. I’m not exactly done with this process (so look forward to an update to come), but here’s how I understand it to be so far.

1. This passport will be a second, VALID passport. This means that you now have two documents to guard with your life! 

2. This passport will be valid for a shorter amount of time! I was informed approximately 2 years, but that’s probably going to be in the update. Essentially, it’s good for one trip. The trip that you have the conflict for. 

3. You go about getting the new passport in almost exactly the same manner as you get the first one. You have to pay another fee...

No...I’m really not. Get used to it. That’s a word that we use here a lot. 

You will turn in your ORIGINAL passport with the application and here’s the most important part 

YOU WILL NEED A LETTER FROM YOUR HOST UNIVERSITY AND YOUR PARTNER ORGANIZATION! If your University does the providing of programs, then just one from your University will do. 

What should this letter say? 

Essentially, this letter should explain to the feds why you need the passport in the first place. 

I know you probably look like him, but it’s worth it! Remember you’re going on the adventure of a lifetime!

Just seeing everyone happy is difficult these days. I don't see why they can be.

It's because they finally have someone.

They have that one person that satisfies all of their wants and needs and passions.

But what did they do to deserve it?

Why do they get that happiness while I am all by myself in this world, searching mercilessly for someone to notice me, someone to actually be attracted to me. Someone who simply gets me.

Why do they get it, when they will take it all for granted?

I want it too. I want it more than anything, I've wanted it since I realized that it was the one thing missing.

Missing like a limb that was never there, knowing all the ways you are missing out on life because of its stark absence. Knowing that it will never be there, no matter how you try to substitute it with models, or work around it, or simply ignore the fact that it's not there and never will be.

I want that missing part of me that has been silently yearning for years and nights, and long car rides, and fireworks, and movie dates, and awkward family gatherings. There is something missing there, and if not for the thought that it doesn't matter, I would be insane.

But it really does matter to me, no matter what anyone says.

There is something missing in my life, a multitude of feelings and emotions that are untouched basically because of the simple fact that they have never been returned back to me.

I smile and laugh and pretend that I don't need it in my life, like it is utter bullshit.

Most days I can believe it.

But then I make that uncomfortable eye contact with you. You know, the kind where we both know it's happening, but we choose together to not acknowledge we've had a connection from the start, whether it be mutual or not. It's there. I know that.

But you just want someone to fuck, or someone to listen to your problems, or someone you can just use as a toy until you can have the real thing in a few months after we all leave.

That's when I start to realize I cannot live without knowing just once. Feeling just once.

But at the same time, even after all my daydreaming, I still can't picture that life. That guy.

I keep thinking he has to be out there somewhere. But the reality of the situation is he isn't. That man is too good to be real, concrete, human. I've just been too afraid to admit this to myself. That this idea of the one person on this cold earth that was made to find me and change me and love me is a lie.

I've finally accepted this.

But that still doesn't quell the deep emotional scars I see every time I peer deep into my thoughts.

They won't go away.