#it speaketh

I ended it because I knew in the end that it would cause more grief and pain than good. I knew that he would not be the same, and that it would overall negatively affect how he acted toward me in the grand scheme of things. I was perfectly capable of dealing with any problems that he came to me about, anything, because I still love him.

Yes. I still love him. As wrong as that sounds right now, that promise is not something that I could or can let go of so easily because I lost everything in a fell swoop because of my actions. All I can do now is hope that he will find someone that will take care of his heart, hold him close, cuddle him every night, spread the right amount of stuff on his toast every morning and love him unconditionally. Do everything better than I.

In the moment that he went back home, I didn't have any thought or idea on how well I could keep myself sane after being with him for over a month straight, and if I did, I laughed it off like it wasn't serious. I hadn't thought about how much pain I would be in to not have him there anymore. Not have him there to cuddle in the morning, midday, or at night. Or hug. Or kiss. Or anything. I had no idea how much it would affect me, until months passed towards the next year and I couldn't handle it anymore. During the hard nights of studying and getting work done, all I could think about was when he would be here again. My body ached every night. Wanting that warmth to go back to that I had months ago. Wanting. And needing.

All in the while, the one person that I should not have let into my life at that time barged right in. He took over everything at a snap of his fingers, whereas I was still behind and hadn't a clue that it was even happening right in front of my eyes until feelings came back. They came back hard. Harder than I ever imagined and I was trapped. My mind was trapped and my heart was running off in a wrong direction. I knew that after those feelings came back and my heart was gone from my sight, I knew that everything was going to go horribly wrong.

Because I wanted. Needed. That one thing.

I began to go insane. I told myself everything would be okay. Everything would be completely fine and nothing bad would happen to me. The voice in the back of my mind was locked up and the cries would be disregarded. Hanging out with him made me feel whole again, his smile is like sunshine to me, his laugh is wonderful to hear and his hugs are like magic that made everything in my mind disappear. I am in the wrongdoing not for going to anything completely rash, but for letting things best me and take over the entirety of my life and my actions, causing everything to go completely wrong and ruin a part of my life that I thought was the only thing that I had a firm hold onto.

At the end, I let him know of my feelings, which led to breaking up a few moments after. I knew that it wouldn't be the same, even if we did get back together (which we did and I was right).

I still stay up, on restless nights such as this one thinking if he's okay. If he's doing well. If he's found that one yet. It's still plaguing my mind and I don't believe it will go away any time soon.

I knew it would be for the better, because I couldn't let myself hurt him anymore, but letting go of such a unique, wonderful, amazing, and perfect soul that has been connected to my life is not easy.

Not at all.

Please remember that you are a rare gem in this world.

One that outshines all others, and is certainly something to be treasured forever.