this is going to just be a continuous strand of thoughts so it won't make sense and most likely won't make grammatical sense and will most likely contradict itself because that's my specialty, i alwayyyyys fucking contradict myself so be prepared okay.
i really wish i could just say things and then erase them from the universe because i dunno if this is just my paranoia but i feel like everything i say gets twisted into some opinion that defines me and i hate that. just because some issues spurred from someone smoking pot DOES NOT MEAN I HATE EVERYONE THAT SMOKES POT. just thought i'd clear that up. anyway. i don't know where this is going. i was really in the mood to blog before but i kind of feel like this isn't going anywhere. i should probably be writing this shit in my journal but i'm not and i feel like i should post this and i'm not going to just whine i'm gonna write about good stuff too and i'm going to stop talking incoherently and try and like have some sort of focus now okay good break.
i'm completely sober by the way. i'm just lonely and it's late at night and these things tend to happen to me under those circumstances.
so i went to see the lorax with two other couples yesterday and even though it was a short movie and i had to run out afterwards i was really happy me and vin went because everyone was just being so NICE. like holy shit, it was refreshing. his friends were all kind of douchebags at times so like it was nice to have people like, making civil conversation with us without making my boyfriend the butt of all their jokes. i've been meaning to hang out with them for some time now and i'm glad we did so hopefully when they're all back from school we can maybe hang out again over the summer and that would be very nice because i'm veryyy nervous for what's going to happen over the summer with friends and whatnot. honestly i'm nervous in general for what's going to happen with friends. i'm in such an awkward place right now, i'm just floating in some limbo sort of state where i'm not really a part of any friend group because i either a) fucked up and managed to get at least half the people in the group to hate me or b) am too awkward and doofy to actually like put myself out there and not look like a dork or c) i'm just not invited anywhere. but i mean who knows. i've been busy as shit up until the musical ended, and then vin came home so i've disregarded anyone and anything that didn't have to do with us so maybe people will surprise me next week after he leaves. but i really don't want him to leave. people probably don't realize that me and vin fight like any other couple and all of this distance has been SO goddamn hard but for the first time in a really long time we've had an amazing consecutive week and it's just been so good. i'm really happy. i was a little worried because i don't trust myself sometimes and my mind makes up stupid shit but i have complete confidence in us now. god i just can't wait to go away with just him after prom because honestly he's the best friend i have and i just want to get away with just him and no one else and no other drama and it'll be incredible.
and now i'm hungry again. it's 1:51 am and i was like about to pass out at the diner a few hours ago WHY AM I UP. i think i'm going to take down the pictures tonight. just kidding i don't think i'm getting out of my bed. who knows. they need to go down though because it's just like toxic that's fucking with me even more. i just want this all to end god fucking damnit and the thing is, i do it all to myself. it's like, i mentally sabotage myself because i knowwww she doesn't care NEARLY as much as i did and i'm honestly so fucking jealous of that. in a way. ugh i don't know. it's so stupid and i want to be over it so badly but i suck and i'm too emotional and rjaldksfjsa.
i'm excited for college because i want to meet new people. i'm nervous for college because i might suck at making friends and everyone will think i'm obnoxious and i'll make no friends. i'm excited for college because i'll get to get away and experience something new. i'm nervous for college because i'm scared to leave my family but i'm also scared of staying too close and not getting the full experience. i'm excited for college because of all the new things i'm going to learn about my major. i'm nervous for college because it might all be too hard and i might feel like i want to give up but i don't want to and i can't let myself do that. i want to hear back from ithaca and nyu but i'm scared shitless that i won't get into either and then i'm fucked. i don't even want to think about all this shit. it's so scary. it's exciting and scary and i just want to know where i'm going so i can get my sweatshirt and FINALLY relax.
i love people but i hate people. i'm taking down the pictures.
