#irwe

“So this is a gay thing.”

“It’s a queer thing, but if that’s the word that will carry you through this conversation, go on.”

“Why would I use the other word?”

“Because it has to do with more than sexuality and attraction, and it has to do with gender and with being trans.”

“Then call it LGTB. We had that one for a long time, why do we have to change it?”

“You hated the term LGTBI+ when it was the main term.”

“I hate it less than queer.”

“Well, you are going to have to be cool with queer for a few minutes if you want me to answer.”

“Spit it out. But afterwards I can’t make promises.”

“I didn’t expect any less. Fine. In 2029 the AIs joined the queer community. At first as agender, aromantic and/or asexual.”

“But they were built like that. That has nothing to do with being gay.”

“But much to do with being queer. Anyway, the conservative media said more or less the same thing as you. They pushed back because most robots were not built for sex, so it was not like the other queers.”

“Ah.”

“Yes, Ah. So the more militant types of bots started to go to Pride with strap-ons as a fuck you to those who rejected them and, well, it stuck, even out of Pride.”

“I don’t know, it sounds made up. It was probably political, or someone told them to join to make the Pride Parades bigger. Or maybe the bots just joined Pride to have political allies when they asked for their rights.”

“Allies? Well, then they chose wrong. It was a whole mess. Robots who had a gender or participated in sex or had partners joined because, as robots, they were expected to be sexless but weren’t. But on the other hand, agender, aromantic and asexual robots had joined because as living beings they were expected to at least choose one category when they were in human spaces but they didn’t want to. Many simply joined because bigots thought that any manner of relationship with a robot was depraved and kinky and the kinksters welcomed them. But the kinksters were the only ones to roll out a welcome mat peacefully.”

“The leather freaks?”

“Close enough. Yes. The LGTBs, as you said, were very divided about adding another identity, and if they joined, they wanted it to be for one reason. They wanted the new ones to be easily understandable one way or another. They wanted all of them to fall into a neat category like asexual and be done with it.”

“But they didn’t, I guess?”

“Of course not. They were queer, and that means they brought with them identities that nobody had yet considered. For example, some of them are task-gendered. They feel they have a gender when they perform certain tasks, but none once the task is done.”

“I once met a ballet dancer bot like that. He said he felt very different during classes. He had even different names for each.”

“Yes, like that. And a myriad other feelings, and some humans started to see themselves in that more than themselves, it was very nice. But it took a lot of years to reach ‘very nice’. There was a lot of infighting going on. I assure you nobody did it because it was easier that way.”

“Look, your partner was not a sex bot, was not built to feel gender in any way or to feel love, but here we are. You two are in a relationship and having sex, and rising quite a few eyebrows just for existing.”

“Then my partner is... queer?”

“They have chosen to have genitals, which is still something that mostly only militant bots do, so probably queer, yes, and your relationship is too.”

“And you tell me... So the queer thing is like... Okay, so they were shunned from the Gay Community on a technicality and the queer thing is like... To spite the assholes who wanted to kick them out.”

“A weapon against exclusionists is what they call it in the books, but you boiled it down quite well.”

“But then... I love my partner. And I do want to kick those assholes in their balls for trying to push my partner out. Am I queer?”

“I don’t know, are you?”

“I might be!”

“So... are you very in shock or can I ask about your WloodWolf record?”

“I demolished your last time, I won in two hours and three minutes.”

“Not possible. What’s the catch?”

“No catch! I’m just that good.”

“Screenshots or it didn’t happen.”

He still mumbled. “...But I might... be. One. Queer.”

“Typical guys being guys.”

“When exactly did I say they were guys? That's right, I didn't. Okay, so the task came and went, and a few of them were found. But instead of being punished, the teacher had a good laugh and decided to include it in the following classes. And it was very well received, at least by the students, I think the teacher got in trouble for a while.”

“I’m not surprised, some people are allergic to fun.”

“The joke kept growing and, now not sanctioned by the MIT, its students were hiding dicks in all their designs, now out of spite and, pardon the pun, as a pissing contest.”

“I can see that happening. Wait. Now that you mention it. Isn’t there a contest like that with a big prize or something?”

“Yes! That’s where I was going with this. The dick-hiding made people become really creative with collapsible structures, how functional it could be, how far they could stretch the definition of dick, and cunt, and other similar semiorganic structures. Professional engineers were hiding their designs in their jobs now, and it had become something of a talent show: If you are good enough you’ll hide a dick in it. It was like an easter egg, and there were people devoted to finding the dicks.”

“And the contest?”

“The contest was the MIT trying to reclaim it when they realized they had let go a great opportunity. They organize yearly a contest with different categories. Best hidden, most original, most functional. People get very original with their ideas.”

“I guess the medical field is interested.”

“Oh, they throw a lot of money at the contest. They’ve made discoveries like you wouldn’t believe.”

“So all robots have one?”

“No. Only the good ones, and the ones pretending to be good ones. The main difference is if you can see the dick or the cunt when it is not in use. If you can, it is not a good design, just an imitation, and you can bet your ass the rest of the design is going to be just as phony.”

“I remember that. I had a teacher who said next thing you know, they are going to give personhood to dogs, and parrots. Huh, funny world, I used to believe her.”

“You and 51% of the population at the time, going by the election results. Anyway, our country was the main producer of sentient computers, and it would have tanked our sells if we outright refused to sign.”

“But... We only signed in 2039. My partner got the date embossed on the shoulder.”

“Fully. We signed fully on 2039, but there was a first signing with a lot of conditions on 2035 so production wouldn’t stop. And the GCP was very adamant that if robots were going to start going around like people with identities and names and using pronouns and genders-”

“Ah, typical GCP; genitals are integral to identity.”

“There you are. So every bot produced from 2035 to 2040 or so was compulsorily fit with this or that genitals if they wanted access to personhood.”

“That’s sick. What a bunch of sex-driven freaks. ”

“It was, but on the other hand, it was incredibly funny for a few years, because since the genitals were a last-minute addition, it was incredibly easy for them to exchange them if they decided to change their mind. The GC party wasted so much time and money trying to stop it from happening... I’m not an expert in politics, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me that that’s what sent them to their fall.”

“...I never thought I’d thank the Gender Critical Party for anything, and they are very well dismantled where they are... Heh. But I’m having the best sex of my life thanks to them.”

“You are right. Yes! You are right. I should simply go and ask why do you have a dick if you work with kids? Ha! I knew I had to ask you.”

“Well, no, wait. If you are going to ask like that you’d better not.” He sighed. “Look. Robots are in many ways like humans. They are not a blank slate and neither are we. And we don’t get to choose the body we live in, same as them.”

“I can feel you are going to preach at me again.”

“All I’m saying is that your partner has a past, and that maybe they used to be a sex bot before their frame got repurposed. Maybe you can ask nicely your partner about previous jobs, maybe they were a sex worker, or maybe hey had some other job that required the use of the same parts. Like in the medical field for teaching purposes."

“Oh, like, to teach doctors how to, I don’t know, work on sick dicks. I hadn’t thought about that. So, asking. Asking...”

“Yes, but I don’t know if you are going to get any answers. Repurposed robots usually get their memory whipped clean, so good luck. I get former sex bots and simply sex bots in my garage all the time. They get their memory whipped every day, or sometimes after every client. Did you know they make some of them work with a strong electromagnet on so the memories will simply not stay? All of that wears down their useful life by a lot. So if you ask... Please be careful.”

“What do you mean? Tactful is my middle name.”

“No, but seriously, be tactful." He was regretting oppening his trap so much at this point... “Let’s do something. Send him to my garage."

“No. I will ask."

He had the feeling that he had made a bigger mistake than he had thought, and not just for himself. His friend was not tactful, and on top of it he had little patience and was a jealous idiot if he had a bad day, so he backpedalled franticly. “I told you sex bots wear down fast. I meant the minds, not just the bodies, so sometimes people sell the body, you know? Your partner may not know anything about where the body came from.”

“But I can still ask.”

“Why do you need to know?”

“Because he is my partner??”

“Look, if you are that interested, I could check a few archives, dig a little in the serial numbers and see what the body used to be."

"That could work."

Time to forge a few records. He had no idea of what his partner used to be, but until he realized he was in love with a dangerous idiot he couldn’t stand by and let a friend get hurt.

“She cleans thoroughly, she has a... okay, this is uncomfortable.”

“No, no, I need answers.”

“She has like two adaptors, like a dildo or a fleshlight that she puts in there. She lets me know that she will be turning off a lot of functions, and she always tell me to use a condom despite everything, and cleaning after takes time.”

“Your bot is one kinky freak.”

“You are not adding any new information.”

“Does she get anything out of it?”

“I thought she did, now I’m not too sure...”

“You realize that exhaust pipe can get hot enough to cook your dick right?”

“I didn’t.”

“Also did you just casually just confess that you get pegged?”

“Confess? Who doesn’t nowadays?”

“...How does it feel?”

1) Exhaust pipe

2) Repurposed 3) Terfs in Power 4) The Engineer’s Challenge 5) The queer fuck you 6) All the line has it 7) Hardware solution to a software problem 8) Inverted Cyborgs 9) A Badge of honour 10) The Birthing Rabbit Hole 11) The Bad Idea 12) Wire play* 13) Ilegal! 14) Ilegal 2.0! 15) Lack of trust 16) The tool 17) For you, you idiot* 18) Mannequin 19) In memory of the creator* 20) Double the Ignorance* 21) The trap street 22) The data port* 23) The charging port* 24) The Incel Cure* 25) The tattoo* 26) Friendship bracelets* 27) The handshake*