#ipap

Interviewer: Good morning, Mr. Huang. Have a seat, please.

Darren: Right here?

Interviewer: Yes. Or anywhere that's most comfortable for you.

Darren: Right. [chair scraping] Thank you. You can just call me Darren, by the way.

Interviewer: Sure, if that's your preference. Darren, I'll be asking you a few questions today. Feel free to answer them however you like.

(Darren is visibly uncomfortable. He wrings his hands together.)

Darren: Is this being recorded? For a... magazine or an article or something? If so, then sorry, I'm not interested.

Interviewer: Yes, this interview is being recorded. However, rest assured what you say in this room is strictly confidential. It will neither be published nor distributed.

(Darren appears somewhat comforted, though he still seems wary.)

Interviewer: First question.

(From this point onward, unless otherwise indicated, assume all words spoken besides the questions themselves are the words of Huang Xiaodan.)

Are you named after anyone?

Not that I'm aware.

2. When was the last time you cried?

[laughs nervously] Not holding back, huh? Uh, I don't know? Maybe... (He purses his lips.) Uh, yeah. I don't know.

3. Do you have kids?

Are you saying I look old enough to have kids to you? [laughs] I'm joking. But no, no kids. They're cute, but not interested in them. (He stares at his hands.) At least, not right now. Wait, you promise this isn't for some magazine or anything, right? Disregard my previous statement if it is.

(He calms down once I reassure him his statements will indeed remain confidential.)

Right, sorry. It's just been a while since I've done something like this.

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Sometimes. (He looks to the distance, smiling fondly.) Not as much as Naia, though. Have you interviewed her? Holy shit, I'd love to know what she said. Huh? I can't? Oh, right. Confidentiality. (He flashes a smile and cocks his head.) Not even a little? No? Aw, man.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Whether they're smiling. I think you can tell a lot about someone by seeing whether they're smiling the first time they meet you. Helps me tell whether they might already like me or not. It's why Zeke gave me all the wrong vibes first time I saw him.

6. What's your eye colour?

Just basic brown. I think they're nice, though. But if I could have any other eye colour it'd be gold. Ooh, or I'd want to have heterochromia and have one eye be gold and the other brown. That'd be cool.

7. Scary movie or happy endings?

Happy endings. [pauses] Definitely happy endings. (He smiles. It is somewhat rigid.) But I've watched my fair share of scary movies because of Naia. Not my cup of tea. Let's just leave it at that.

8. Any special talents?

There's not much I can't do, you know? [laughs] That sounds like such a brag. But I am. Bragging. I can paint, waltz, sing, act, sculpt, write some impeccable Chinese calligraphy—and that's not even mentioning the instruments I can play. Piano, violin, cello, harp, flute. You name it, I can probably play it. Oh, but wanna know my coolest talent? I'm Candy Cupid. (He grins.) What's that? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. Basically, I can match people with their favourite candy. I just know. Every person has their own candy soulmate. It's like—

(He speaks at length of his Candy Cupid talent. The rest of the transcript has been cut for brevity's sake.)

9. Where were you born?

Shanghai. Beautiful place, you know? Even after moving, I went back there a lot as a kid. Wouldn't go again.

10. What are your hobbies?

I uh... [laughs sheepishly] I like knitting. You swear nobody's gonna publish this, right?

11. Have you any pets?

Nah. I'm not home a lot. Would be really mean for me to have a pet. But I'd love to have a polar bear. Have you seen them wet? They look so pathetic. It's hilarious. Don't tell Naia I called them that, though.

12. What sports do you play/have played?

I mean... you wanna hear me start bragging again? [laughs] I was trained to play any sport there is. Again, you name it, I can play it. I'm a monster at tennis, though. Dominate the court.

13. How tall are you?

Six foot one. And I swear I'm not lying!

14. Favourite subject in school?

Chemistry, no contest. Think that's pretty obvious given I literally teach it for a living. But yeah, I loved it. Still do.

15. Dream job?

Having my own app where I match people with their favourite candies. Like Tinder, you know? [laughs] No, but on a more serious note, I really enjoy being a chemistry teacher. Wouldn't want any other job. Plus, I get to bother Naia all day. So, I love my job. Which is crazy to say aloud, because who loves their job?

Interviewer: Alright, thank you—

Darren: Oh, that's it?

(He appears disappointed.)

Interviewer: Yes, that's all the questions I have for you today, Darren. Thank you for your time.

Darren: Right. Of course. No problem. It was a pleasure. (He extends his hand.)

Interviewer: Likewise.