I shoulda probably gone to the Solventsā show tonight because I know the band is great and it would be good to make more connections with people who might want posters from me, but Iām so tired.
I tried so hard today, and kind of half-brained everything I did: important talks with my sensei and a very dear friend I havenāt seen in weeks, inking my precious comic, gallery-minding. Iām just burnt and since I said it aloud on the phone Iām realizing, yeah, I think Iām pretty lonely here.
Iām missing having one-on-one time with another being that Iām comfortable enough to relax with, I mean. My social life at the bar and the times that Iāve been up to group hangouts outside of work have been astonishingly great. But my ideal interactions are generally with one person and often follow a formula: (close friend or lover) + (tea or snacks or hookah or beer) + (media or deep talks or quiet creative time or a long wander somewhere cool) = need for companionship satiated.
But also I donāt feel bad about not having those specific interactions for the first time ever? I know I can wait until I find/have access to the right people for deeper friendship? And parties donāt scare me as much? And I donāt need to leave every social event early because I feel alienated? I think Iāve shifted from *brutally shy introvert* to *still shy, perplexingly empathetic extrovert.* I get a charge from many of my interactions with people these days, which is textbook extroversion. But I still experience a fucktonne of social anxiety (which Iām learning to roll with for the most part...developing a rep as a good listener helps, until it hurts when *I* get comfy enough to want to tell a story and I get drowned out.) especially when Iām tired/distracted (unfortunately, with my workload, thatās almost all of the time). And I still need to recharge sometimes (and I relish my alone time a lot more than I used to...my resting state used to be ugh, I hate people so I need to be alone but Iām so restless and I wish someone would reach out to me or I could just go somewhere but I might have to interact AAAHHHHH *PARALYSIS* and now Iām like...yeah, attention is great, but so is lying on my floor looking at tattoos on instagram or reading a book with tea or drawing. I can walk to the corner store for a snack or wander on the beach by myself if I need to, no pressure.) but thatās usually because I still end up feeling other peopleās emotions a lot more than most beings have to...and thereās been a lot of sadness/cattiness/frustration going around lately that feels extra toxic and alien to me in my new, dare-I-say carefree state. And thatās weird too-- thereās a lot to worry about to be sure, but Iāve set it aside-- I was never able to do that before. I stress, but only enough to push myself to get things done, and really the only thing I get worked up about enough to cry over is Steven Universe (and that feels soso good, you have no idea. Itās kind of obscene how much I enjoy my StevenBomb catharsis seshes. Lul.). I get pissed off over specific asshole things people do, but I let go really quickly. I get depressed, but itās different: run-of-the-mill canāt-get-going-today depression, usually on days with no specific structure or plan.
I knew I was still growing after all the huge changes of the last year+, but I canāt really account for all of the leaps that seem to have taken place. Iām very close to being the person I want to be, and it feels indescribably nice to be able to grant myself that. Iām still learning to value my body and work around my various disorders, but thatās a lifelong project Iām sure. Iām asserting myself better but Iām still not where Iād like to be in terms of expressing opinions/boundaries and not being swayed by stupid bullshit, and for that reason Iām now kinda hoping to get moved to the bar for practice rather than stay in the kitchen, but hell...itāll be sink or swim soon enough.
But anyway, Bethany in August, Desiree in September, Edward in October? Itās hard to wait to see the humans I care about especially since 2/3 are coming in later than expected, but I seem to have developed an even deeper degree of patience and gratitude when it comes to my friends from other places. The stuff that matters doesnāt ever really go away, and thereās nothing wrong with a bit of delayed gratification to make the sweet even sweeter.
Oh, and I formulated some interesting thoughts on the way I make art: first, all of my personal work is an experiment, and itās how I learn and process. I let an idea flow through me without really knowing what itāll end up being or if itāll even work (itās a happy accident that it *does work* 75% of the time), whereas my comics and illustrative work are done with the end product (and another personās approval) in mind. I think thatās why I jam so hard on assigned work, but when it comes to my own shit I just kind of meander through a mental collection of mythology and song lyrics, sticking bits on bits as I go and playing with my repetoire of techniques until I learn something from it. Which is something I never really thought about until it popped out of my mouth today as a complete thought. Surprise!
Second, I think I have such an attachment to illustration, figurative art and the idea of tattoo as a (personally satisfying, not simply lucrative or impressive) career because I truly enjoy reimagining derivative shit in a way that feels unique to me. Or you could say that I like getting people to see the same old crap in new ways. I think thatās also why I enjoy looking at clever product design and modding culture and things like screenprinting for inspiration...itās the endless word- and image- (concept-?) play, the personal stylistic touches an artist can add to something as hackneyed as the tarot, a folk tale, a band t-shirt. I like it when Iām seeing something familiar, but I feel like Iām being let in on its secret meaning. I think many very intelligent creators like to play these games as much as I do: work within the system of culture, discover the odd little bits of it they love and study them, find new ways to juxtapose old symbols, subvert the tropes they love the most...itās hard to describe I guess, but maybe you get the idea? Iāve been told repeatedly that my work is very genuine and unique, and one woman even told me that it seemed like I was going to change the world, my work was on the very edge of culture in a way that was both uncomfortable and inspiring to her. But I *know* I donāt make anything that hasnāt been made a million times before and yet Iām not overly worried by the thought that Iām hard-pressed to come up with a truly original concept. I just do the same things a little differently, because I have a weird fucking eye and I never managed to find that *one* artist or style I wanted to emulate. It was a curse in the illustration program at school when I didnāt have my own visual language yet and couldnāt find a mentor to use as a starting point for developing a style, but now I think itās one of my greatest strengths: because there wasnāt any one person for me to look up to, I absorbed a bit of everything I liked and because Iām eclectic, a lot of things I like just donāt go together-- so my style is off-kilter in a way that isnāt quite like anything else. Almost any assignment is fun, because I know I can make it mine just by virtue of *the way I do things*. And because I didnāt figure it out very early, Iām not confined to my own aesthetics: I have enough technical skill to render from life or a photo, or copy a different style when I want to.
Donāt get me wrong, I really love artists who take more conceptual approaches. I adore life/performance/film art, for one. But I feel like the same approach can be taken with those disciplines: take my ex-partner for example. I still really despise him right now, but I think the art pranks and installation projects he told me about when we were together were pure fucking genius. Pop-up robotic mini-golf? Filling your shirt with animal guts and roaming around a hospital? I canāt remember the half of the good ones anymore because Iāve tried to let go of the memories but....aaaagh, they were so good. And yet derivative. Humor or social commentary, after all, canāt happen in a vacuum.
Idk, deep thoughts after a long week. Tired as fuck. Should probably do some work then go to sleep, but I think Iām much more likely to keep derpingĀ āround andĀ āround the butts. The interbutts. Murp.
