#inthemailbox

You also talk to me a lot more now. Which is very good. I am really glad. You’ll probably never know how sick I worried myself about you when you pulled away. I genuinely made myself nauseous over it

So now that you talk more, I like being more in the loop of things. I like that I understand and I can support you better

But I’ve also realized, I maybe don’t talk either. Which is definitely for too many reasons..

1. I am used to dealing on my own. I’ve never had someone safe to come to so I got good at problem solving on my own.

2. A lot of the time I feel silly for whatever the problem is. It feels unimportant. And I know if I talk and come out of the conversation any worse, I’ll feel even more like I should just deal with it. Not that you ever make me feel worse on purpose, but it does happen with some people, and it’s just not worth the hassle to me

3. I feel heavily like if I have a problem, you will stop telling me about yours. And if one of us has to deal with things alone, I definitely want it to be me. You should never have to feel alone again if I can help it.

All of this is very Nick Nelson coded and I have a feeling the new movie will help me explain a lot of this to you. But I’m working through it. And I will get better at it

There’s just so many things to bring up, like how stressed I am with college and everything, how I think this ocd thing is getting serious, how I feel so alone in all of it because nobody has had it quite like me

And I feel like I can’t even say that to you, because you’ve had it like me, if not worse. But it was different. And I don’t want you to feel invalidated just because you can’t relate to specific parts of me that the adults in my life hurt.

I’ll tell you eventually.

So. I guess we made out? Haha. That’s a scary new thing I’m processing.

I liked it too. Which is also a scary new thing I’m processing. Less scary, because it was good, and I wasn’t too worried about it , or anything I was worried about didn’t happen (yet)

I definitely would not mind that being normal. Just keep telling me what you want, because I’m .. not great at understanding nonverbal permission haha.

I do still hate my body a lot and I am still very aware of it when we kiss like that

And I’m worried that will get to be an issue eventually

I think maybe I just will keep on a bra or binder or whatever I’m wearing. I don’t care about my shirt but I don’t want you to touch me like I’m a girl I guess. Like, the way you had me on you. I don’t think I want that. Which I’ll tell you when it comes to it but right now I’m avoiding the topic because you haven’t asked (and I know you will).

I’m also afraid that this progression means another progression or something else I’m still scared of

I think I can get braver for you. But that doesn’t make me less afraid right now. I don’t think I realized how dysphoric I was. And I think everything “gross” about sex that I feel might be mostly aimed at myself. Mostly at my body. Mostly just me.

But that night with you was nice. And I smile a lot at the fact that we ignored several alarms and I got home so late just so we could have a few more minutes. I liked that you wanted me to stay. I probably would have forever if I could’ve.

This is good I think.

I think you’re mad at me because I couldn’t drive you home. Or maybe because I texted your dad directly about gas money. Or maybe because we didn’t get to follow through with plans. I just think you’re mad at me

You swore you weren’t but your tone felt more serious. You said you weren’t mad and I believed it for the moment just because I felt like I was gonna pass out. I felt so bad. I feel so bad.

I hope you don’t think I’m lying about it. I know I try to keep up an act even when things are bad and I guess that works against me in these cases

I’m sure you thought I was fine and just didn’t want to do any of it

It’s not like that I swear

I’m sorry

I guess I feel like I’m unneeded.

And I feel wanted and all, but often im at a loss. I don’t know what to do. And you like distance, so when you don’t need me, and I can tell you don’t want me either, then it’s like, why do you even like me?

And this is maybe just stacking on top of the sex thing. If I can’t have sex, why bother staying with me? You could have someone that is me + sex instead. You don’t need me

And I guess you probably do, cause you keep me around, but I don’t feel it when it matters. I feel like a bystander instead of someone on your team.

And I think you mean it that way, because you like things alone or maybe you feel you need things to be alone, I don’t know really. You’ve said it’s both, but that doesn’t really help me figure out what’s going on haha

But I think that’s why you want me to be a bystander. Either way, I just, don’t know. I feel like a burden when I’m trying to be helpful. All I have are stupid feelings and words, but actions speak louder than words, and I have no actions, because I’m awful at actions.

I’m also awful at words but at least I have a few of those. I don’t know

I don’t KNOW

I just want you to feel supported. You just seem so alone and I could help if I just knew how

All that being said, I’m still not going anywhere. I still only want you. You’re great to me and we have something beautiful.

I just am trying so hard to make sure you keep wanting me too and I feel like I’m failing at it. You’ll get tired eventually. I think I told you that, once. I’m sorry

I’m still here. Im not going unless you ask me to.

I knew it would be me or someone else. It’s heartbreaking but I always knew that’s how it would be.

At least the break up wasn’t immediate. Maybe I was too honest too soon. You should know how I feel, but also, I should just feel normal, right?

If this is the beginning of the end I just want to say I’m sorry I did this. I know it was me. I’m so sorry that I did this.

(Unless you cheated. I don’t think you would, but if you’re reading this after cheating.. how could you?)

Im glad you’re still here but I feel like I’ve ruined it now. I hope you stay. I want it to be you.

You are important. You are special. You are not a problem. You are needed. You are wanted. You are cherished. You are loved.

These are all facts the universe told me about you.

I know you don’t see it, but I do. I know it for certain. Please trust me when I tell you.

I am not mad. I am not upset.

I love you. The intention of us is to spend forever together.

That means I’m going to worry about you. I know you don’t want that, but I will, even on the most perfect day straight out of a teen romance movie. I will worry, because you’re my forever, and I don’t want to lose it.

I ask you a lot if you’re okay, and if you’re sure, and I put trust in your words. If you seem off and just tell me you’re tired or it’s been a day, I took those answers and didn’t push.

(And maybe I should’ve pushed, and maybe that’s my mistake?)

I also know you like to process alone, and that’s okay, and I don’t want to take that away from you.

But I need to trust you when you say you are okay, and I need to know that when you’re not you have support.

You don’t have to come to me or tell me every single detail.

But you’re right and things feel out of the blue because I was trusting you when you said you were okay.

(And I guess you weren’t? I don’t know.)

You can do what you need to do, but I need to be somewhat in the loop. I feel like a bystander when we’re supposed to be a team.

- 💜

Ps: And please call me when it’s important. What if I hadn’t woken up until after and you were already admitted? Call me when it’s important. You don’t burden me. My phone rings for you because I want to hear whatever you have to say. You could call me about a flower on the sidewalk. If I don’t pick up you keep calling me.

It is a few days after what I am calling our “first fight”?

Not in a real way. It’s not a fight. Just a miscommunication.

But it’s still scary nonetheless. I found myself wanting to ask you what to do.. but I couldn’t.. cause you were the one mad at me.

Kind of funny, huh?

I know you didn’t tell me to make me upset but I kind of made myself upset anyway. And that’s my honesty, since you shared yours.

I just thought you were gonna be mad for a while. Usually you avoid me when you want space and you kinda.. didn’t?

Which I was happy for but it also made me cautious. Usually people don’t get over stuff like that? Maybe I made YOU feel bad. I don’t know. I’m sorry.

I’m kind of sorry for all of it. I know we established it was both / no one’s fault, but I still feel to blame.

I was fully prepared for this to be the end, honestly. That should tell you enough about how scared I am.

I guess you should know that about me. You can look at me wrong and I’ll be preparing for the breakup.

But we’re okay I guess, cause we’re kind of back to normal now. I guess we were kind of back to normal that afternoon, except for me being scared of doing absolutely anything.

But we’re okay. You haven’t broken up with me yet.

Just so you know, you will only ever be reading any of these if we do break up, or if we get engaged.

Or if they’re relevant. Cause sometimes I can word things better in writing than when you need to hear them. But that will be a very special circumstance.

I love you. Always will.

- 💜