#internshipedition

(Cue me momentarily questioning her evaluative skills.)  

I feel a little bad for feeling that way, because I kind of think I didn’t do a very good job with this client during the 4 sessions we had together which might be the reason they didn’t show - I’m not happy thinking that I may have in some way failed them.  But I was also hoping against hope that this client wouldn’t come because I had such a bad headache and just wanted to go home.

Today after group, she sat down with me and told me that she was worried about me all night because she had overheard me answer another therapist’s inquiry into how I’m doing with, “I’m surviving.”  (I had decided that was going to be my answer right now because it is honest - I am basically just treading water right now - but could be interpreted as “haha, I’m a busy grad students, but I’m making it through, hahaha.”)  

We talked about my schedule and how I’m really struggling to take care of myself and I’m just feeling so overwhelmed.   I told her about the pressure I’m feeling from my supervisor here, feeling like I’m not doing enough and that she is disappointed in me and my work.  She was able to give me some perspective into my supervisor and her fear that I would look back on this internship and report that I hadn’t gotten enough out of it and that it was a bad experience.  So, my supervisor isn’t pushing me to take more clients and work more hours because she expects more of me, it’s because she is worried that I expect more from this experience and she isn’t giving me enough.  

I can’t tell you how much I really needed someone to pick up on the fact that I’m not doing well, and how much I needed to hear that what I’m feeling is not accurate and not my fault!  It feels good to know that I have safe people here and that it is a safe place where I am allowed to be human.  

Pros from today: Chatted with one of the therapists at my internship about my life plans.  She was able to give me some insight into what she sees as my strengths, and she suggested different social work fields that might be suited to my skill set and interests (some sort of management/supervision, crisis case work, “I would hire you to do anything.”).  So I’m feeling a bit better about my prospects of finding a SW career that fits me. She also shared that the therapist I was seeing for supervision last month (while my regular supervisor was on vacation) told her how much she enjoyed supervising me, and that it had been easier for her to connect with me and work with me than it has been for interns in the past.   Then, my supervisor pulled me aside to tell me that she wanted to refer a new client to me because she thought I would be a good fit for this client’s needs.   And another one of my colleagues gifted me a 7ft artificial tree for Christmas, since he had an extra and I had mentioned I was hoping to purchase one.  (I seriously work with the most amazing of people.)  

Cons from today (and yesterday and the day before):   During supervision, my supervisor asked me yet-again to come in early on Tuesdays despite the number of times I have told her I cannot leave work early/cut back my hours.   She also made a comment about my evening availability despite the fact that I have made myself totally available during evenings when I am here.  (I work until 10pm on Mondays and have class from 6-9 on Wednesdays, but my Tuesdays and Thursdays are basically held for here.)  Apparently she is still struggling with the fact that I work and have classes and am not available for all hours of the day and evening like the last intern.   During the same conversation where she was giving me info on the client she referred to me, she also said that I might need to stop observing/co-leading one of our therapy groups to make time to see clients.  In other words, stop doing the thing that gets me more client interaction than I get the entire rest of the week to make room for the hypothetical clients that likely aren’t coming.  Never mind the fact that I have 5 HOURS open before group to see clients and group is only 1.5 hours.