Reaching for youā£ Is like trying to break through my own skinā£ And I want toā£ Believe me, I want youā£ But this monster thatās on top of my heartā£ He keeps me locked inside this prison of skinā£ ā£ I can barely touch myselfā£ So I try to hold the walls, the phone, the sheetsā£ But as soon as I am on the bed, I am reminded of being tied to his bedā£ I am reminded of his sweat getting into my eyesā£ It poured from him like a waterfallā£ It was saltyā£ I know, because I screamed the whole timeā£ Until I couldnātā£ Then I counted the imperfections on the ceilingā£ I was trying to be anywhere elseā£ ā£ And thatās how I feel right nowā£ Like I want to be anywhere elseā£ But there are no imperfect ceilings above meā£ So I count the imperfections on myselfā£ ā£ 1.) the scar on my thighā£ 2.) the fat on my stomachā£ 3.) my uncentered navalā£ 4.) the scar on my knuckle from biting down and trying to keep the screams to myself so my father wouldnāt hear my weakness seeping out of my bedroomā£ 5.) the hair growing back in my legs even though I just a shaved last nightā£ 6.) the look of brokenness in my eyesā£ ā£ Too many to keep counting.ā£ Too much to keep insideā£ But I fight to keep it hidden behind my bonesā£ I know once itās out thereās no taking it backā£ No more denialā£ No more normal - but this isnāt normal, is it?ā£ ā£ At night, I lay next to someone who loves me.ā£ Someone who knows whatās been done to me and would lift me out of my head if I askedā£ But I never ask, because I am too heavyā£ And he is too brilliant to touch someone as broken as I am. ā£ ā£ You asked me once, if I was ready to admit that i am stronger because of what happened. And it shocked me that youād give my attacker credit for my strength when thatās exactly what he took from me. I am responsible for my strength. I am the one who picked up my own pieces and tried to move on in spite of the panic attacks, pain, and plundering that took place. I grew through the torment that lingers on my skin, nestled into the cracks in my scars. ā£ Am I okay? Sometimes.ā£ Am I strong? Enough.ā£ Am I ever going to forget? No.ā£ -AshleyAnne #ashleyanne #aarpoetry #triggerwarning #instaokay #strong #strength #prose #poetess #iwillneverforget https://www.instagram.com/p/B1rs3WEhNaR/?igshid=1t0ddj9m3ivuf
