#instagramlessons

Hey kids, thanks for joining me here at the Comical Hat’s first ever “Personal Lifestyle Branding Workshop for Instagram Users.”  High-fives all round!  

So Day One is all about nailing that perfect “Good Morning World I am in Starbucks again!” shot. Sound corny? Well not the way I do it. My way is subtle personal lifestyle branding at its best. You’re going to be there but you're not going to be hogging the shot. Nobody steals the show from The Double Chocolaty Chip Crème Frappuccino® Blended Crème so don’t even try. You’re like the supporting cast member swinging in on the Double Chocolaty Chip Crème Frappuccino® Blended Crème's coattails into the view of seven zillion Starbucks-brainwashed Instagram loving global citizens--and who knows what that is doing for your personal lifestyle brand? I mean, literally, who knows!? I certainly don’t. But as long as you’re into that kind of thing, you’re going to want to listen to what I have to say. So set your ears to "TELL ME MORE!”

Okay, first: you go to a Starbucks in HCMC/ Saigon. Don’t Tweet. Don’t Text. Don’t say anything on Facebook. Don’t post anything on Instagram. Don’t even look a stranger in the eye on the way there. You want to give the world the impression that you just woke up in Starbucks as if a fairy just magically airlifts you to a Starbucks outlet every morning and surrounds you with the most photogenic products.  

Second you place an order -- you have two options: 1) arty minimalism: a very low-flying, bird’s view of a single espresso cup (the espresso has already been consumed--yeah, I know... soooo much better, right?), and a single croissant (just-out-of-shot) on a table that is otherwise bare besides a sprinkling of brown sugar as if you tried to pour the brown sugar into your espresso with your eyes closed, and maybe a Moleskin notebook, and your other mobile phone -- yes, all of this says you are a creative, possibly a genius, watching the calories, and in control; 2) a side-view of flamboyant extravagance: doesn’t matter if you are alone, order two different kinds of frappucinos, and a few savoury pastries, and it doesn’t matter if its breakfast, buy a creamy cake, fuck it: BUY TWO. Arrange it all artfully, as if five people are sitting around this Smörgåsbord of corporate fodder. It says, I have friends and we live life to the full. KEY POINT: we can’t see the friends. Maybe there are none! It should look as mysteriously uneaten and devoid of people as the last meal served up on the Marie Celeste with one exception. YOU! 

That’s right, whether you go for option one or two, this is where the magic happens. You don’t take the shot. You pass your phone to someone else (friend, random punter, Starbucks employee), then step into the shot. Yeah, nice right? There he/ she is: the atmosphere actor (you!), stage left. At first it looks like the shot is focusing on the products but you’re also there. You're sooooo there looking arty by association. We can recognise you by your distinct taste in fashion, or complete lack of fashion, your hairy arms or your tattoo, or your other phone--or maybe your face (first and last rule of facial expressions: look pensive. ALWAYS look pensive). We like to call this the “non-selfie-selfie” at the Comical Hat Towers. 

After you nail the shot and filter the shit out of it -- Vintage, vivid, volcanic, vital, vainglorious, vacuous, vampirelicious, whatever -- and tag the shit out of it -- #Starbucks #frappucino, #ME #selfie #Saigon #Whatever -- you have one more thing to do: write one line. One carefully chosen line that says it all, and yet absolutely nothing. A line that will make someone say, wow, I’m not sure if that’s one half of a fucking killer line by John Keats or T.S. Eliot or a terrible lyric from a Maroon 5 song, but for some reason it sounds vague enough to be possibly meaningful. 

Boom! And that’s it. You can sit back and enjoy your coffee/ pastries while watching random individuals from all around the world, your besties and your aunt like your image and bask in the glory of knowing that they’re thinking, wow, I wish I was there, drinking that artfully placed espresso, or stuffing my face with all that Starbucksy, sugary crap--in short, however, briefly they should think “that person’s breakfast coffee is so much better than mine.” 

As you step back out into the traffic of Ho Chi Minh City, I promise you will have never felt so alive knowing your Personal Lifestyle Brand will be at an all time high for 12-15 minutes (possibly less). You may have work to do, or some place to be, but you should already be thinking about lunch--I suggest contrasting the morning’s coffee shoot with a bowl of bun thit nuong and some artfully placed chopsticks and red chilies down a cruddy yet evocative lane-way somewhere in Saigon/ HCMC. That has the potential for your lifestyle choices to look sooooo much better than everyone else’s.

We’ll cover that on Day Two. And to those who think this is all a little staged, I say, hell yeah! All the world's a stage and we are merely players, so strike a pose, arrange your breakfast/ coffee/ lunch/ chopsticks artfully and ‘Gram it baby!