#inquisitor!eli

In this episode, Eli and friends fight a dragon:

It started off innocently enough. While tromping through the Western Approach in search of corrupted wardens who were binding demons to raise a demon army and take over the world, Eli and his party find a lonely dragon scholar in the desert. Even though the area is rife with slavers, darkspawn, wild animals, poachers, an evil magic cult, and noxious gas clouds- all things that are really good at killing you- this one random and defenseless dude is totally fine. What’s interesting is that he’s looking for some random animal guts to make dragon bait. What’s even more interesting is that Inquisitor Eli just happens to have those assorted animal guts on his person. Clearly being able to haul around more Quilback intestines was what Josephine was hoping for when she got the team those larger backpacks.

After being directed to investigate some corpses, rid the area of poachers, and translate an ancient book on dragons, Eli is finally given some locally-sourced, free range organic dragon bait to lure the dragon out into the open.

The dragon arrives. There’s a slight misunderstanding about what counts as the “locally-sourced, free range organic dragon bait” Eli tries time tell the dragon that the meat slurry they put out in the traps is the dragon bait, but the dragon thinks our heros are its next lunch. Guess it’s time to fight the fire dragon. Thank goodness both the mages brought their fire staves and spells to use against the fire-resistant dragon.

“Okay, this is the last time I put out dragon bait given to me by some random guy in the desert, team!”

While everyone else is burning on fire and generally getting stepped on, Mr Sketchy Broody Elf is taking this battle as a Fashion Moment™️

“Behold, undiluted power! But don’t think too much about what I just said either, this totally isn’t foreshadowing that I’m an ancient Elven god hiding in plain sight, nope.”

*burning intensifies*

Eventually, Inquisitor Eli and co kill the dragon through much stabbing and many very inefficient fire spells. Did I mention the fire spells don’t work too well against the fire dragon? Because they don’t. They really, really don’t. Daggers still work thankfully.

After the battle with the dragon, buying out the continent’s worth of burn salve, and learning the horrible extent that the Grey Wardens are using blood magic and human sacrifice to bind a demon army into destroying the world; Eli decides its time for a drink.

He runs into the Iron Bull, who he’s equal parts turned on by and afraid of and who really, really wants to talk about killing that dragon.

Turns out Bull has a lot of things to say about dragons. And sex. And he also doesn’t understand the concept of over sharing or having a filter.

Eli doesn’t mind too much, but he does ask for more booze to help block out these memories in addition to his war trauma.

After closing the giant hole in the sky that was raining demons, Inquisitor Eli Vanto sacrificed himself to save the villagers of Haven. Narrowly escaping death by dragon, avalanche, and corrupted ancient Magister; Inquisitor Eli trudged through the cold and snow for a long time before passing out and being found by his people. Now that he’s awake, Mother Giselle has some words of wisdom for our poor-decision-making hero.

“Eli, I know you think the sketchy Elf Man is hot and I do agree that his brooding look is a solid 10/10 but please do not pursue that one, he gives off some majorly uncool vibes.”

Meanwhile, looking on in a discrete and totally not sketchy way is Mr Broody Elf himself, Solas. “How very interesting...” he thinks to himself.

“You can’t tell me who to have a crush on, Mother Giselle! If I want to make terrible decisions and crush on the sketchy elf, I’m going to crush on the sketchy elf!”

Watching from the shadows, Solas thinks to himself, “Now this... this is a development I can manipulate. Time to deploy the Elven Glory.”

“Behold the Elven Glory. It’s me, I am the Elven Glory.”

As Solas continues to wrap Eli around his little finger by smooth-talking about ancient magics, Eli thinks to himself: “Oh my stars. He’s standing at parade rest and lecturing. That’s my secret weakness. I’m done.”

Later, Solas takes Eli on a magical field trip into the Fade.

“You’re taking me on a mysterious field trip? I love being dragged along on strange adventures! Especially when you wear that warden battlemage armor, oh how it flatters your figure.”

“And you hold the key to my heart, Solas. Please keep looking at me condescendingly, you have no idea how much that turns me on.”

“You felt the whole world change? The whole world?! Does this mean you like me? Please say that means you like me, I’m desperate for your approval.”

Episode 3: “Why Me?”

Episode 7: Murder With Friends Part 2, Elven Glory

Solas “heard in the fade” that his spirit-friend Wisdom was in trouble and being harassed by some mages. Off we go back to the Exalted Plains to help.

Sadly, we arrived too late.

This man with the untrustworthy mug and his pals bound the spirit of wisdom to them to do their bidding and now it has been corrupted into a demon. Turns out, none of these mages know what to do with the bound demon and it’s a whole tragic mess. The mages ask Inquisitor Eli and Solas to help them with their little massive demon problem.

Eli lets them know where they stand on his priorities list.

Not only that, Eli also thinks that this is an ideal tome to show off how smart Solas is to these mages for some of that sweet, sweet “Solas slightly approves”

And then Solas says “please” its game over for Eli. He will do literally anything for this overly-knowledgeable, broody elf who does not return his affections.

Time to save Wisdom!

Sadly, they were not able to save Wisdom.

Solas greatly disapproves.

Episode 6: Murder With Friends Part 1

After setting corpses on fire and wrangling Halla in the Exhalted Plains, Eli returned to Skyhold for some peace and quiet. In need of a distraction, he decided to check in with his friend Sera, the younger elf always seemed to be up so something fun.

This time, her idea of fun was a nighttime raid on some poncy nobles who hadn’t been acting very noble. Never one to let abuses continue if he could do something about it, Eli was not impressed.

“This is my Unimpressed Face #6, I wear it appropriately 70% of the time and spend the remaining 29.97% of my time wearing Unimpressed Faces 1-5, and 7-10.”

Unfortunately for Eli, and the bulk of the population of Thedas, Thedas is fucked and a bastion for systematic inequality. And this major tool of a guy has been up to no good:

“Hello, I’m a giant smarmy asshole. Just look at my smarmy face.”

“We don’t need to know you to hate you.”

“You think you hate me now? Wait till you listen to my smarmy monologue and then insult you while also offering an alliance with you.”

“Stop listening to him Eli! Just cause he’s read the Pickup Artists Handbook does not make him a good guy! Let’s just kill him and go.”

“Well okay Sera, if that’s what your therapist thinks is the best solution for your interalized self-hate red and trauma, you have my blessing to kill him.”

“I love you Inquistor! But not inna jousting way! Murder time for Red Jenny!”

“Beating the shit out of nobs is better than therapy any day of the week!”

“I wish you’d turn into one of those creepy walking skeletons we already killed so I could kill you again, pissbucket!”

In the distance, Sera and Inquisitor Eli hear some Thedas car alarms going off and realize it’s time to head home. They leave some of Leliana’s sketchy murder agents behind to intimidate the people into silence clean up the mess and head back to the Skyhold Tavern for a victory pint.