#incremental changes

Today, I am juggling single motherhood, evading an abusive ex, full time school admission stuff while taking 9 hours of transfer classes, keeping this blog limping along, working full time in my current job while simultaneously training on a new job and handling huge IT project integration thing, handling the fallout from my two support systems in terms of child care falling through in one week, two different soccer schedules, my brother is in the hospital, and my mom and grandma both facing long-term chronic illnesses. 

And I am doing, like, okay. Not great, but good, some of the time, and okay, most of the time. That isn’t a humble brag! I never would have given myself credit to do a quarter of this a year ago, half of this six months ago, or even all of this three months ago! 

So many factors have kicked my ass into gear. Therapy is key, and that isn’t accessable to most people. I have the endless support of great family + friend. Surprisingly, going analog and using a bullet journal is the key to all of this. It started with just writing shit down.

Suddenly, I was making appointments on time. Paying my bills. Writing down my work tasks and getting them all completed. 

And this isn’t one more “drink water and your depression will go away post” or “will the sadness away.” That isn’t reality.

I’m doing all of this, and obviously my anxiety is ratcheted up, like, a lot. (Finals! in two weeks! Shit!) I’m still not sleeping, but I am overall killin’ it. I’m pretty proud of myself. For me, it started with one good decision. my goal at first was just, “OK, Linds, Make one good, forward-thinking decision today.” 

I started small: start a yoga routine. I mean, I still don’t have a yoga routine, but I do, by and large, have my shit together. Or I’m getting there. 

And now I pay my bills on time, am excelling in my job, have more confidence, got myself and kids in therapy, and am managing all of the above. 

You can come back from anything.

It started with taking fucking care of myself first. Learning that I was worth taking care of. I am still learning this. Getting whatever help I could. I read books at the library (free!) that helped teach coping strategies for managing anxiety. They weren’t cure-alls, but every little bit helps.

Anxiety doesn’t go away. I had a panic attack at work last week because I stood up to my boss. You know what? It was okay. My coworker was a great support. And my boss actually admitted he was wrong, gave me a HIGHER RATING on my review, and thanked me for bringing his slip-up (not looking at the new rating system criteria) to his attention. You can, however, have anxiety and still Kill It.

Confidence doesn’t build overnight. It is a process. Proving to yourself on, like, a daily basis that you can do it. This is my therapist’s #1 gripe with me. But look at me praising myself up there! Give yourself credit where credit is due.  Give yourself some grace, babe. You are doing your fucking best. And for today, that is good enough.

Failure is still part of the equation. I fucked up at work today! I apologized and moved on. I would have let that clobber me a year ago. Every single person makes mistakes. The world still moves on. So will you. It’s ok.

I am not a Mental Health Expert or a motivational coach, but I do believe that our stories can empower each other. It is possible to live with anxiety and still get shit done. Make ONE forward-thinking decision today, even if that one thing is taking care of yourself as best as you can. Doing homework in 20 minute increments until you finish an assignment. Whatever you can manage. 

Six months ago this was a storage space. There were leftover boards from the kitchen cabinets stacked against the wall and many many empty wine boxes strewn around after we offloaded into the wine cellar. I was pretty sure there was a colony of spiders living in the corner as well.  The first thing I did (about a year ago) was to buy the bike. I didn’t wait for myself to get the motivation to…

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