#incorrect transformers

Jazz: What are you doing with the peanut butter?

Mirage: I have apple slices

Jazz: So that doesn't answer my question, but thanks.

~~~

*Cliffjumper and Bumblebee*

Bumblebee: Dad, do you have a favourite?

Optimus, trying to sleep: No, I regret you both equally.

~~~

Soundwave: I don't know how to explain to my cat that she would get kicked less if she'd stay out of my way in the kitchen

Blaster: 😭

Soundwave: When I'm carrying a hot pot of boiling water and potatoes, I'm just focused on getting to the sink, I'm not looking for my cat coming in to try and kill me.

~~~

Prowl: I just had to explain to a person that you cannot get Campbells Cream of Mushroom soup without the mushrooms.

Ironhide: Jesus, really?

~~~

Sunstreaker: I'm always told that my beauty astounds people, but I wish they'd focus on my brain too.

Sideswipe: The psychiatrists studying you are miffed, don't worry.

~~~

Ratchet: Sometimes I feel like my sparklings are too sarcastic

Hot Spot: Well gee, where did we get THAT from?

~~~

Preceptor: I just saw a booth selling skin care products that advertised itself as "made without chemicals"

Preceptor: Everything is chemicals! Water is chemicals! You're chemicals! Chemicals aren't the problem!

Wheeljack: They're just selling lies aren't they?

Preceptor: They're making up a problem and selling a solution to the scientifically illiterate!

~~~

Skyfire: I don't know if I'm gonna go to grad school. I don't know if I can justify doing that to my mental health.

Starscream: I'm in grad school and I'm fine.

Skyfire: You told me the other day that you had a nightmare that your lab was on fire with your final project inside.

~~~

Jazz: Living by myself is a lot more like how I thought it would be in kindergarden for my liking.

Prowl: Really? Either you played house really realistically or you're really bad at being a grown up.

Jazz: Why not both?

~~~

First Aid: Good morning everyone!

Megatron: You sure like to hear yourself talk.

Starscream: I need SOME sort of intelligent conversation around here.

~~~

Optimus Prime: I know I encouraged everyone to respect the native population, but the government considers it in violation of our visas to drive for Uber.

Cliffjumper: I'm driving for Lyft

Optimus Prime: Yeah, I don't think that's going to matter to them.

~~~

Wheeljack: You know what they say, "two conjuxes are better than one!"

Ratchet: No no, two cannons are better than one

Ironhide, holding two cannons: I gotta say, this is pretty terrific.

~~~

Bumblebee: If I had a shanix for every time a Decepticon confused me for Sunstreaker, which isn't a lot, but it pisses him off that it's happened twice.

~~~

Hook: when do we get a break?

Mixmaster: when we die.

Scavenger: I thought we were supposed to get a break every four breems?

Scrapper: Yeah, but then we joined the crew that killed the government that mandated that.

Bonecrusher: Damn it.

~~~

Sideswipe: Prowl calls my high grade production "a hazard to Autobot life" but I call it "the only reason anyone still has a will to live"

~~~

Thundercracker: trine tip. Every time your trine mates annoy you put a shanix in your angry sock.

*holds up long sock full of shanix*

Ratchet: Everyday with you mechs I contemplate how seriously I take my oath to do no harm.

~~~

Ironhide: Anything is a projectile weapon if you throw it hard enough.

~~~

Blurr: Damn it, I got another speeding ticket. I'd fight it in court, but I don't think they're gonna take 'gotta go fast' as a medical condition.

~~~

Prowl: The Decepticons are a highly skilled, incredibly dangerous force of soldiers. It is of utmost importance that extreme care be taken when dealing with them.

Jazz: *blaring an airhorn directly at Megatron* Get Fucked!

~~~

Soundwave: query: is your weapon finished? Soundwave: is tired of cleaning up heaps of dead monkeys.

Shockwave: Science cannot exist without heaps!!

~~~

Mirage: My standards are incredibly high. I won't court just anybot. They've got to be intelligent, dedicated, graceful, beautiful, and strong to woo me.

Cliffjumper: *trips over a rock, curses violently, then kicks it across the room* Why can't this slag ever happen to the Decepti-creeps?

Mirage: I want that one.

~~~

First Aid: Ratchet's always telling me that I'm so lucky to have brothers and that siblings are the best gift Primus can give.

First Aid: Which tells me he was an only child because in no way, shape, or form are my idiot brothers a gift from anybody.

First Aid: Part of the reason I got into medicine was so I could conceivable kill them all and get away with it.

Hot Spot, Groove, Streetwise, and Blades: You love us!

First Aid: I'd trade you all to Megatron for a stale oil cake. I only keep you around for spare parts.

~~~

Sideswipe: Being the older brother is hard, because you have to set a good example for your younger brother.

Sunstreaker: You're only older than me by ten .

Sideswipe: And don't you forget it.

~~~

Ironhide: I swore that I would never be on of those old mechs, but frag, young mechs these days are so annoying.

~~~

Jazz and Smokescreen, in trouble with Prowl.

Smokescreen: With Primus as my witness, I've never been to the dog track in my life.

Jazz: *leaning over and whispering* He knows.

Smokescreen: Oh, I been there a ton.

~~~

Bumblebee and Cliffjumper, discussing Minecraft.

Bumblebee: I try to take good care of the villagers in my village. I like making their villages bigger and increasing the population.

Cliffjumper: Pussy. I make people farms.

Bumblebee: No! That's so mean! They need to be able to walk around!

Cliffjumper: They have a 2-by-1 enclosure, they're fine.

Bumblebee: 2-by-1 isn't enough space for anything! Can they even sleep?

Cliffjumper: No. But if you think that's bad, you should see my Cow Pits.

Ratchet: And immediately I hear the think tank start bubbling. Cliffjumper to himself just goes "houf, well that's racist"

Ratchet: And I'm like "nope. No it's not. That's not what racism looks like"

Ratchet: And Hot Rod goes "Cliffjumper, they put those there to let us know that when we're in this neighborhood, we should probably lower our radios"

Ratchet: and I'm like "What the fuck?"

Ratchet: No finish this, I wanna hear the end of this.

Ratchet: and he goes "So we don't rub it in that we can hear, right dad?"

Ratchet: And I'm like, no that's not- shit, you're dumber than he is! It's so you know there's a kid in this neighbourhood that might not hear your car coming Hot Rod.

Ratchet: And then Bumblebee leans up to the front and asks "So are deaf kids like guns? You have to register them with the government?"

Ratchet: And I'm like "what are you talking about?"

Ratchet: And he goes "Well think about it dad, how else do they know where to put the signs up?"

Starscream: So, what do you think of the Auto-scum?

Skyfire: You know, I think they might have a point.

Starscream, shoving ruststicks into his purse: I'm sorry, I have to leave.

~~~

Cliffjumper: Bad news, our Prime locked his keys inside his office

Cliffjumper: Good news! I can pick locks

Cliffjumper: Bad News. Prime now finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks and he's given me three lectures about 'the value of privacy'.

Cliffjumper: Good news, my cute coworker saw me pick the lock.

Cliffjumper: bad news. It was Arcee, and she's already seen me fall off several ledges, cry because I saw a turbo fox that was too darn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle. She's never going to think I'm cool, that ship has sailed.

~~~

Skywarp: My great scam is that I've befriended a lot of incredibly intelligent people by concealing my indefensible stupidity Via the power of maintaining eye contact, nodding my head and going mhmm.

Skywarp: In my defense, I don't outright pretend to be smart, and if anybody challenges me on it, I'll admit that I'm out of my depth. I simply do not challenge the assumption that I know what they're talking about.

~~~

Starscream: I'm sick of hearing about which crystals will heal and cleanse my soul. I want to know which ones can hurt you and fuck up your vibe!

Sunstorm: Uranium

Shockwave: Any, if you're willing to resort to violence.

Starscream: You're speaking my language

~~~

Optimus: My toddler accidentally cursed himself into an existential crisis today.

Optimus: He's been crossing things out with his chalk and asked me to write his name for him. I did, he crossed it out, and then he freaked out because he thought it meant he didn't exist anymore.

Optimus: Every hour or so he asks me "am I still Bumblebee?" And I have to hug him and promise him he is.

Ratchet: Love the implication here that he was fine erasing things from existence until it affected him.

~~~

Mirage: I read that Capsaicin makes your mouth feel like it's burning because it increases your nerve sensitivity to heat. And methanol does the same thing but with cold. So if I eat a bunch of habanero peppers and breath mints, they should cancel out!

Mirage: Hey! Guess what hellfire tastes like!