#inang

Grandmothering by Lena Khalaf Tuffaha in Water & Salt resonates with me the most as of now. Tuffaha writes this piece in second person, where she addresses the main character as her grandmother. She starts off with four items that are used to help braid a young girl’s hair, assuming that the young girl is Lena. She recalls the process of her grandmother braiding her hair. While it seems simple, it’s such a detailed poem that portrays the process of braiding. Noting the fact that she was a young girl then, it must have been an important memory for her. An even more important memory since it involved her grandmother.  

I resonate with this poem because my grandmother recently passed. Our relationship wasn’t the strongest because she moved back to her hometown in the Philippines, and I stayed on Hawai’i, but I still feel a sense of loss. She was an important part of my childhood. Like Lena’s experience with her hair being braided, my grandmother always used to put coconut oil in my hair while I sat on the floor of her bedroom. This interaction was unique, only she would care for my hair in such ways. And it’s a bit haunting knowing that my bedroom used to be hers. So, when I go back home, I’ll be reminded of her. I called her my Inang, meaning “mother”. She was my Inang, someone who loved and cared for me, and I’m glad I get to associate a wholesome and kind memory with her.  

Before the night ends, I’d like to wish my Inang a Happy Mother’s Day! We called her a little while ago but she’s a little hard of hearing so I don’t think she heard us. I hope she knows we miss her very much!

What can I say about my mom that you all don’t already know? I post novels every year about her. Lol

My Inang is the bar by which I measure myself. I have come to know the capacity for goodness and sacrifice that one can have, because of her. She raised me on the Sound of Music and the Ten Commandments with a daily helping of I Love Lucy while she peeled crawfish so that I could eat it with rice, bagoong and lemon.

My heart is hers and the patience I have with people I have learned from her. She is the angel that sits on my shoulder and the voice of reason I hear when I’m mad. It tells me to understand and be the bigger person because I know better. Hers is the voice of judgement I hear when I look in the mirror to see if my dress matches my shoes or if “it makes me look too short or fat” Her voice serves to remind me that “what’s lost is always found” and “if (I) want something, just buy it!” Lol It is her voice I hear encouraging me that “tomorrow is another day and the wheel of life will turn in my favor if I am patient enough.” That “God is everywhere, even outside of church and communion with him occurs wherever you can pray.” She has always said “there is not just one day, karma is real, and good always wins.”

My inang is the strongest person I know. Her ability to absorb and internalize hardship, pain and misfortune is unmatched, and no matter what she’s going through, you’d never know because she is always smiling. You’d never know that she had 10 kids (2 died in infancy, two she gave up for adoption, and kept the remaining 6 to raise up til her last child, me)

You’d never know she had her appendix removed when I was in 6th grade, Valley Fever when I was is middle school, TB when I was in high school, diabetes shortly thereafter, and breast cancer in 2003. She’s been through chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, PET Scans etc and has had to endure radioactive material over and over and is still strong in her 80s. You’d never know she has aggressive metastatic breast cancer and still undergoing hormone therapy. You never know with my Inang because she is “clothed in strength and dignity” even when most people dismiss this superwoman in disguise.

Hers was a life of color, even if she thinks she was merely a housewife with a 3rd grade education. She has raised some good people and has been a great influence to her children and grandchildren and to all who know her. Retaining all her good qualities and building on them has been my way of showing my gratitude. It has been the honor of my life to have full circle moments with her and my son. They say I am the carbon copy of my mom and my son is the carbon copy of me. 🥰

She is in the Philippines right now but it’s taking all of me not to go and bring her back because my son misses her very much. She is still going strong today, althoug age has a way of advancing decline. When her oncologists used to ask me what her secret is, I’d answer “cigarettes,bagoong (terong and alamang) and a delusional optimism (which I also inherited) 😅

We all know she has God’s favor and it’s common for people to ask her to pray for them, which is a reflex for my Inang. She prays for others before herself and always self abnegates. She is a giver and mother to many. Everyone calls her Inang, including my little boy. I hope she knows the impact she has had on me and my siblings, her grandchildren and everyone around her.

Earlier my son was able to speak to her briefly, but it was hard for her to hear us. We may need to send her a good set of headphones as I’ve asked my siblings to get better ones without success. I know I shouldn’t be sad because she may truly be tired now and want to rest, so I’m trying to respect her wishes to allow her to stay there. Ultimately my son and I can only express that we miss her and want her to come back. We miss her being around to take to eat or take to the park or new places, because she has the wonder of a child. Her appreciation for all things and of all people is one of the best things about her.

Happy Mothers Day Inang! See you soon!

This pic is of her and my son when she met him for the first time. I can almost feel her pride and simultaneous sigh of relief. Lol

Before I forget… (warning: long post NOVEL ALERT!! Read at your own risk! 🤣)

Happy 80th birthday to my Inang, the strongest person I know. I am who I am because of her and am fiercely protective of her. Many say I’m her carbon copy LOL. My mom raised 8 children plus 2 who passed in infancy, so birthed 10! She is very self abnegating and would give you the shirt off her back. She keeps nothing for herself and my dad would always have to remind her that she doesn’t have to give so much of herself to matter or help. My mom shows her love by giving. I’ve inherited that from her too. It’s been a process for me to learn that giving too much of oneself can lead to an endless cycle of co-dependence.

She taught me to sew, cook and be the perfect housewife and mom. She instilled in me an unshakable moral compass and a standard of behavior that some people tell me is hard to live up to. She taught me that integrity and hope are one’s most valuable resources and that forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can bestow.

My inner dialogue is her voice LOL and when I find myself with a dilemma, it’s my reasoning but her voice I hear in the background. Her face, who is also mine is who I see in the mirror when I’m faced with life’s most basic and complex situations. I can’t stand her judgement sometimes lol

Although spirituality strong, my mom has been plagued with ailments ever since I could remember. I remember her getting an appendectomy in the 5th grade, valley fever in jr high, TB and diabetes in high school and the most critical hit was in 2002 when she was diagnosed with aggressive bilateral metastatic breast cancer. The cancer started in her right breast, she got chemo for that, then it went to her left breast and she got radiation and chemo for that. I remember taking her to all her appointments, every last surgery, and every hours-long chemo session. I remember having to sit from 8am til the end of the day for her infusions. Often times we’d be the last ones in the hospital to leave. I remember cramming for final exams, and creating senior projects while I sat waiting for her to get out of surgery. I remember the endless oncology, radiology, PET scans, MRIs and countless other scans that made her radioactive. There were times when my son was a toddler that I’d have to stagger their time with one another so that my mom was not near him at the times the radioactive contrast was still in her body.

Not many people know the managerial skill it has taken to oversee the care of my mother. Although I have single handedly carried it on my shoulders for years, I got really lucky in having nieces and nephews that have helped me with her care especially when I was a new mom. I owe so much to those kids and in many ways that’s why they seem to be more like my brothers and sisters than my own siblings. My siblings helped when they could, but everyone was so busy working to make ends meet, that I took on most of the responsibility because I was the youngest and single with no family or obligations of my own.

Throughout her treatments, my mom has been a trooper. She has never complained or got depressed or let her illness overcome her fighting spirit. She lives her life simply, keeps her material needs to a minimum and faces each day with almost a delusional optimism that I have come to know has been the secret of her life. Oh and she still smokes her dainty premium cigarettes. 🤣 When asked multiple times from several oncologists, surgeons, and doctors, what my mother’s secret is, I tell them: bagoong (fish sauce), dried fish, pork, delusional optimism, and at least pack of premium cigarettes a week. 😂😂 So many people are intrigued at how far she’s come.

My mom doesn’t take life too seriously. She was raised devout Catholic but grew up questioning her religion and by the time she had me, she taught me that God is everywhere. Communion and prayer is focused in His house, but can occur anywhere a person is. Prayer occurs 1:1 between him and an individual. Her faith in her Maker is also why she has been and continues to live the life she does.

She loves to cook and she knows the foods that can comfort and heal her but she practices a lot of restraint and is self regulating. She knows which herbs to add to her diet, what leaves to boil to make tea, and what to incorporate to not only make her food taste good but can also help her health. I remember making bittermelon and moringa tea for her, buying fresh cranberries she can eat. She knows her body well and for the most part she’s not so readily accepting of medications if she notices side affects.

My mom loves to smile and laugh and she looooves kids and people in general. In a lot of ways she reminds me of a child with awe and wonder in her eyes when she experiences things, objects, people, ideas and concepts. There’s a childlike quality about her and an innocence that I have always guarded because it’s one of the best, most endearing things about her. She laughs out loud with genuine feeling and experiences life using the slightest touch of her fingertips.

My mom is grace, style and etiquette rolled up in cozy house slippers, a warm robe and homemade fleece pants. LOL 😂 Comfort first, and then style as long as the occasion calls for it. She taught me that the purse should match the shoes and coordinate well with the outfit. She loves classic style and loves seeing people dressed up. I used to make sure to show her my outfits when I’d dress up because I knew she enjoyed looking at a mirror as she vicariously lives through me. She will tell me a dress makes me look fat and that I look best with shorts or pants on. 😂🤣 I love to wear summer dresses, but according to her, after a certain length, it pulls me too low to the ground and I look too heavy. Hehe She has very modest taste and one time she surprised me when she suggested maybe I should show some cleavage because that’s what’s in and the women on the Filipino channel can get away with it and look good. 😂😅🤣 I know in her hay day, she was probably the picture of elegance and that’s why my dad chose her. 🙂 My mom always told me her family thought my dad was uncultured and a brute with no manners lol so my mom had a lot to work on and mediate.

I could go on (novel length, no joke 😁) about this woman I call Inang. She is my epitome of goodness and the measure against which I compare myself. To be all of her and then some has become my way of showing my gratitude to her for being my mom. I know when I exhibit the traits I got from my dad, it keeps her on her toes too. (I will have to tell their love story another time. 🙂 )

Today on her 80th birthday, I hope she knows just how much she means to me, and how grateful I am that she’s my mom. I hope that she knows how much I respect her lessons. How happy I am that she has been able to watch my own son grow into a mirror of myself and thus of her. 😊

My only regret would be that I didn’t have a daughter that she could see me dress up, sew for etc. and a man by my side that can take care of me. I think she will keep praying for a good man because I’m really a handful. Lol

Recently I’ve noticed a decline in her cognition, a delay in her reaction time etc. Shes now hard of hearing and I feel we’re all going to need to have a talk about how to go forward in the near future. A convalescent is out of the question, because I feel she should be near family the most. At the end of her life she’d like to be in the Philippines surrounded by her family because as she put it, she doesn’t want to be a burden on us here since end of life expenses are crazy. She’d genuinely prefer to be laid alongside my dad whose buried in the Philippines. She’s expressed desire to want to be able to go back and forth from the Philippines to the US as long as she is able, because she’s worried about my brother Ben who is epileptic, illiterate and now is unable to work. She’s asked me to take care of him in case she can’t so ideally I see them going together. I’m still trying to work out the details, but I can see that I need a lot more resources and savings to pull that off. Luckily I have siblings to help. The fact that most of them have “vacation” homes in the Philippines is convenient too and I can utilize those. 😊 There’s 8 of us that can pool resources so it shouldn’t be a problem to give my mother what she wants. I’m just going to have to finesse it all so my siblings understand how everything can fit 😁

I hope that as she reflects on her past 80 years she feels a sense of accomplishment; because she has raised good children, a good daughter, awesome grandkids that protect and keep her and an extended family and network of friends that pray for her each day.

May she always know I will always be by her side, even when I can’t be because I will delegate to someone else to make sure she’s taken care of. May she know that the times my temper is a little short now, it’s because I’m learning to forge a life of my own apart from her because I now have a son to raise. May she know that every decision I make for myself includes her somehow. May she know that I’ve done and continue to do my best because I’m so grateful that she was the one that raised me, and that out of all the souls in the universe, God gave her to me and me to her.