Is meeting someone organically and in the wild an idea that I just have to let go of now? I feel like I couldn’t get behind the idea of dating apps 100% because it’s hard to tell how someone is without knowing them in person and its hard to convince me to physically go out with someone I literally DO NOT KNOW to find out how that someone is in person. But I feel like I’ve dismissed two (and all other kinds) of those cases this year. 

1. Some guy who I kind of knew in college through a friend - although not in any way someone close to said friend - asked me out and I curved. 

2. Some guy on a dating app was actually going along with conversation and I just stopped responding.

3. Some guy politely approached me and asked for my number at a bar and I stopped texting back.

I liked the idea of potential in each situation. As in the potential feeling that someone was giving me a tiny form of attention. But I don’t know if it’s because I have some high ass expectation of who I want to be with and what kind of interactions I want to have with that person, but a part of me believes that if it were going to be anything with any of those people, that type of interaction or that type of feeling or that kind of desire to want to get to know or be or hang out with that person would start from the jump. 

I always get taken aback by how funny life works sometimes. It’s always surprising when I have some weird existential realization and then I’m watching a movie or listening to a song or listening to a podcast and that realization or my feelings about it get summarized into one phrase or one word.

It’s rare that I sleep well. I blame it on too much youtube or social media scrolling, which cloud my mind and I end up sleeping late. But after last night, I realized that maybe it’s because I’m missing something else in life. I couldn’t put my finger on it when I was lying wide awake in bed at 1AM feeling super energized and ready for the day, when I had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep. That feeling in comparison to how I feel waking up after a rare and unusual full 8 hours of sleep was unmatched.

Full of life driving to work, despite being in and out of sleep since 1AM, my thoughts recounting last night got interrupted by the podcast that had faded as background noise, when I heard the phrase, “...sometimes you don’t realize how much you crave connection, until you get it.” And then it hit me. 

I didn’t realize how long it had been since I had a feeling of really close connection with someone. Like a sparking one. Not the feeling of close connection you already have with the people you surround yourself with, but like the new, exciting, I want more type of connection with someone. And then I thought that maybe THAT was the reason I felt super new despite being in and out of sleep for 6 hours last night. It’s like my whole body re-adjusted or was rebooted after fulfilling this void, even if it was just for the night.