#improvment

Improvement is improvement.

🐈 💛 Ankha Art Redraw~! 🪙 🏛️

The irls gon get lore.

SO-

When I was 14 and dealing with stress (ie, bickering going on with fam and with my sibling that wasn't that serious/the latter just made me feel like shit, but this was the first actual stressor I got, and school stress first started hitting) I made a 'very good' decision.

This was a lie, but honestly, it's better than some other coping mechanism I could've gone to.

A 14-year-old me made the decision to force myself to pretend my favourite show existed to the point where I would be convinced I was telepathically communicating with characters and that on my 16th birthday, I would be whisked away.

The show was Winx, yes.

This is where you laugh.

That's where Iorda (oc) came from actually, but at that time I just gave her my name. Y'know how Iorda is the fairy of dark arts and all?

YEaH that's who I made myself think I was. I think I had doubts deep down all this shit was real, but I deluded myself so much istg.

I thought, yes, I was telepathically communicating with Musa. Clearly a coping mechanism when I needed comfort irl but ANYWAY. I thought the Trix were threatening me in my dreams.

I was kinda out of it during those two years ngl, and also didn't really do my best to think about the actual relationships I had in real life.

Dear god that Winx quote, "faries think of others before themselves," or whatever that was messed me up so bad. Again, Winx was the only thing I cared about cause delulu, so the quotes I viewed like a fucking Bibble.

Self-hatred issues probably stemmed from that ngl. I remember staring up at the roof and telling myself shitty things because I thought irl relationships failing (ie, sibling relationships) was my fault and that I needed to try harder and that I was being selfish.

(Still unpacking and fixing that but-)

But yeah, this shit stopped when I watched Arcane. I saw Jinx and I realized that since I relate to her, something must be wrong with me.

I was researching Jinx and I read that she suffered from delusions (I didn't suffer from that, more so just extreme escapism) but yeah, that kinda scared me enough to stop. Three months before my 16th birthday, so that birthday was kind of a rude awakening.

Between that and now were some strange years though ngl.

Like, I was afraid to do anything Winx-related and would cry/stress if I thought I was 'getting back into that place' again. Got over that, lol, thank fucking god. Cried myself to sleep over that a few times.

Also didn't trust my own thoughts a lot of the time, and thought other people were secretly against me for a few months. Making decisions was hell, and I couldn't really mentally regulate myself. So the thing I decided to do (actually a good decision) was just thinking what my comfort characters would want me to do.

My comfort characters were the Trix (and no I didn't think they were real at this time, but they were the resource I had) and half the time, what I thought they would say was, 'bitch please stop hating yourself and keep working on your mental health.'

This lasted awhile (four years) and only really stopped two months ago. I can regulate myself without thinking of comfort characters now so yay. Things improve.

Also, ofc getting out of That Place (delulu-ville) I didn't have much motivation for the future, specifically school. I just told myself when high school started to be smart (like Darcy lol, once again, didn't think they were real at the time, but I had to get myself motivated somehow) and faked it for a few months before actually getting motivated.

Gurl was the reason I've been able to work on my mental health for four years ngl.

No longer in delulu-Ville, I can now regulate myself. SO YEAH-

That's the reason Winx Club is special to my heart (mainly from how the Trix as comfort characters helped get me out of the things that came after delulu-Ville).

I hope you enjoyed my Ted Talk.