#impossibledream

Welcome to lovely Isola Radiale!

You’ll be housed in CONDO 429!

You’ll retain the ability to use your E.G.O. La Sangre de Sancho, which can be used up to 5x per day for 5 minutes maximum per use, but it will only be at ½ potency.

You will also be given a wooden lance.

Enjoy your stay!

Sketchbook page: Impossible is only a social construct. Stoked to see new stories and voices amplified at the #oscars2019. Personal soft spot for @natgeo’s “Free Solo” which reminded me that we are tiny but miraculous specs with dreams. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BuUtoWvAvy7/

I think I have a pretty good guess about what you (powers that B) would like me to do. Clearly not with enough details or resources to complete them or they would possibly be done already.

I am not a gambling man. Some are and that’s fine. I don’t gamble because it has never been enticing to me; mainly due to a lifetime observing how my luck usually plays out. Now some will say there’s no such thing as karmic luck, others advise that a man makes his own luck with deliberate decisions and conviction! While this is good advice and should be encouraged, sometimes in life thin9s happens. You should always do what you think is best, but irregardless of desire and despite good intent, in the blink of an eye outside forces may influence how things play out. So what can you do, but play with the hand you’re dealt. It is what it is. But it’s going to be impossible to win or make any money if you don’t know the directions of how to play or even what the game is. Which’s how I feel always. I would like to describe a thought experiment.

Two adults meet for the first time. One had been told as a child that the color of grass is green, and their whole life this was reinforced with everyone in agreement that the color of the grass is green. But the other adult was told in their childhood that the color of grass is blue, and for their entire life it was so. Now they both have been looking at the very same color, but one knew the color was called green and the other knew it to be blue. We all know grass is green and if we had just met someone who said it is blue we would call them crazy (or at the very least, we would just politely think in our heads how wrong they are). But consider that the blue person is having the exact same experience. How would you feel if you were the one all blue looking over the fence at the greener side of thought? Would you continue believing what’s been right in your mind, or change what you think because of what someone else says is wrong? Most people (green or blue) would hold to their understanding especially because it’s been reinforced as common knowledge. But imagine if instead of two meeting randomly, what if one person (let’s just say blue) were to move for whatever reason, and find themself in a community where everyone has an agreement that the color is called green. How would Mr. Blue feel about his understanding of things when everyone is in opposition? What would the community reaction be towards a person whose knowledge was contradictory? There are no right or wrong answers here, just reflecting on viewpoints and how different understandings, beliefs, and perceptions are affected by numbers.

**** I want to clarify that I wrote this with no particular groups in mind and certainly do not want to segregate anyone on their values just because they’re from Kentucky.

I am ιertain that you’re tired of reiteration, and I must admit I too have grown weary of hearing the same. Many scoff and groan over what I do or have done, or how can I keep asking for answers and never solve anything for myself. I know. I’ve seen and heard many things about what I should do from many sources all with their own beliefs about the right way to handle things or what is left still to do… never clearly enough to understand anything. I have learned that there are a lot of ways to look at things differently and that I have disappointed almost all of them. But relentlessly I have tried to find answers when none were offered, and searched for clues high and low. I have in various ways deciphered meaning from cryptograms, and tried to follow along with my best intuition of what was wanted of me. I have blazed forward unafraid into unknown territories and gone against my own preferences (and way outside of comfort zones). I have not backed down but rose to each challenge attempting to understand and succeed when I had no understanding or chance of success. I’ve taken chances, gambled and lost - repeatedly. I will continue to do so as best I can, but I have not the health, stability nor resources to sustain much anymore. I haven’t for some time in fact, which has prevented me from extending too far and by cause made me unable to do everything as was asked though I still endeavor. Constantly under pressures beyond normal scope I have out of necessity not desire and a lack of success not logic continued trying until I found counter-intuitive solutions to problems when no other rational option was to be found. Flexibly accepting, yet I never gave up on my convictions or abandoned hope.

Out of this cascading landslide of mysteries, there is one mystery, that has been stuck in my craw for some time now. (No… not there. Go look up craw.) This unknown that has apparently been cast to public understanding a long time back, way before then… maybe 7 years or so.

I cannot understand at what point did I become so low in your eyes? Here I am referring to those who knew me for some time… for any who did not - just count yourself blessed and be content in whatever understanding makes you happy?

I am not trying to call-out anyone, I am in no way trying to cast blame or disparage. I am in fact baffled at how easy it was to be condemned? My own fault, no one else’s. If one wishes to maintain a level of respect in the eyes of others (be they family, friends, community), it is the responsibility of that person to act and present accordingly of a fashion that should earn that level of respect.

Now here I shall filter down a touch more… if you had no knowledge of the events in that time leading up to present; i admit, things would certainly look suspect and I would have the same thought as I’m sure many of you did. This then was one of my blunders (of so many). I had been relying on reputation and knowledge of past history to carry more burden, and due to the private nature (I thought at the time) of my health issues as well as a desire to protect some of the characters actively involved with the events leading up to and still unfolding… I was not open about my intentions nor did I provide reason for decisions made: I suppose I simply hoped that anything questionable would be resolved and explained before anyone ever had cause to question. My bad.

This is my quandary though… it has stymied all resolution of chronic and as-of-yet-undiagnosed medical issues, long before broadly disseminating… and certainly long before I fragmented myself to where time-to-time myself considered the sentiment, “Why was it so much easier to believe I was crazy and wrong, then to consider I may be sane and right?”

Perhaps I should clarify my stance here… I am not quibbling over whether or not I hold any relevant knowledge or skill set relevant to lend credence. My question is better phrased perhaps looking within a context as, “These are altogether very bizarre and unusually unfortunate events - rather implausible individually but highly unlikely especially to have occurred all together in time… {here, I would have assumed the next thought to be…} …but as long as I’ve known him, if things ever COULD happen like that to someone - he would be the one!

Stupid Lemony-Snicket-flavored Newtons serially following Murphy’s Laws while perpetually staying mobile in a two-leaf clover orbit of bad luck around me… 😖

I guess, if you did not arrive at the same conclusion… I hope one day I may have a chance to explain in more detail. For now, if you are open to the idea - please consider that throughout, as I understood the events transpiring, I was making the decisions based only with good intent and reason. If you do not see things that way then or now, I have been operating for so long in ‘crisis-management’ mode that questionable choices had to be made out of need for survival. Things were not, nor are now currently in any way ideal - they haven’t even been within sight of the baseline of “normalcy”, so if anything I do does not present as a logical solution… I wholeheartedly agree! But, they were arrived at through logic, intuition, and trial-and-error (…and trust me, there were so many trials and so much error along this path of scientifically sound methodology). If I ever reach the point to where I have a “normal life” I will make normal choices (I hope?), but until then… I am doing the best I can playing the hand I was dealt. I am not a saint by any measure, but I am no sinner either. If you have better options; I would gladly hear them and could use the help. Until then, I stand by my decisions and will continue doing things as best I can within the knowledge I have.

In little nooks tucked away safely within the dark hollows of my Well of Souls, I have little happy moments secretly tucked away so that they are protected yet available should I need access (for sanity or survival). When circumstances have become heavy and thick under the shroud of a cloying oppression, or when the frost-fingered grip of despair tries to squeeze the last glimmers of light from your heart.

They are not just memories of cherished moments past though, some of them are visions of future through the mists of shifting patterns to create alternate possibilities… one of my secret skills that allow me to materialize hope when nothing else is left. Most of these ‘dreams’ (as I usually refer to them) have had their windows already shuttered and lost - their opportunities knocked-out without a fair fight to actualize. But, such is the nature of dreams (and the burden of dreamers) …unless they are allowed to unfold they wither away until milled to dust within the cogs of Time’s industrius clockworks.

I did manage to sneak one out unseen past the cuckoo asylum guards’ vigilance. It was stashed and preserved, but I felt it worth sharing even at the risk of it too being brusquely snatched away and trampled under vindictive boot-heels. So hear I unwrap it so you may see… it is only a small little thing not even fully developed; but in these times it seems everyone could benefit from even a tiny little comfort such as it is.

It is quite basic, a ‘3-pane strip’ at best… just a quiet and simple solace tucked back a little from the usual cacophony of social exuberance, so that there is a light glow of serenity warming the trellises providing a slight-shade to this side of the porch. Two characters sit at a table in comfortable familiarity born of long friendship as tall glasses of iced lemonades slowly cry their little rings onto the table. Approaching closer to the two, we see that it is you and I… just talking, listening and reflecting at an unhurried ‘Saturday afternoon’ pace.

…is that with their puckered faces they always look so bitter and pissed off even when suckling the humors right out of you.

I’m still so unclear about what it is that I’m supposed to be accomplishing if anything here… But, in my defense, I think that is due to dissension amongst the myriad of tutors regarding what needs to be accomplished.

For instance, I (and here I do beg pardon for my ignorance but I am going to list what I feel are the purposes, doing my best not to pin any set plans on any specific people - also to note is with no set start date to log I will be referring to the onset of my awareness as the beginning):

…am I being penalized for past malignments, a term of sentence to be spent in accordance with some unknown scale of crime & punishment? If so, I wish I would be informed so that I would cease this belaboring keep quiet and serve my time in the most polite way I could so as to avoid causing further harm to befall those injured parties by my incessant tongue.

…am I being retrained to strip away any barbaric or disruptive bad habits and reprogrammed with civically dictated good ones so that I shall be accepted back into society as a model citizen forthwith in all fashions of productivity, dedication and devotion. Here I would include rehabilitation for all manners of consumption and hedonistic tendencies that by accordance fall outside the box of our neo-protestant reformation, and methinks the one doth protest too much for mosts’ tastes. By God’s will, if we could just get him to give up those nasty cigarettes, dietary proteins and processed or manufactured food and drink he may still yet become something of worth.

…am I demonstrating that somewhere amidst all this rubbish there does truly exist character of quality worth keeping; or does he lack any motivation or sense of responsibility. Is there a semblance of drive or work ethic hidden within or is he truly just a lazy deadbeat beatnik who gives up shortly after starting every venture the moment he sees adversity and shies away from confrontation to the point of becoming the epitome of an ineffective dilettante fop? He sure talks a good game in regards to upholding the tenets of virtue and a firm code of honor but does he actually live by his proclaimed code or is it all just flowery semantics sprinkled about to add a lustrous sparkle to what in reality is a painted turd.

…am I so broken, embittered and jaded by all of this that I want nothing further to do with my so-called friends and family and at this point only desire escape from this torment so I can be free to spend the rest of my life anonymously toiling away in drudgery to pay off this massive debt you’ve created for me until I die? Yes.

As to the earlier questions, I am not sure what you’re expectations were, but if you take someone already pushed to his limits, then break his heart, and prevent communication essentially isolating him, never give him a chance to heal while enduring a non-stop barrage of emotional abuse and psychological gas-lighting, keep him in in a prison pit of financial control while the pendulum of debt’s burden creeps closer and closer, no booze or anything to cut the pain, then establish that to continue he must chemically imbalance himself further now with out-of-whack dopamine receptors in his brain so he generates no pleasure which is just as well because no treat has been given for all his tricks performed, you won’t even grant him masturbation to relieve some of the stress without alerting the press, while badgering him about a lack of motivation and when no resolution is offered accuse him of quitting, question his every action with intense public scrutiny, take away everything he stands for or has accomplished, broadcasting every flaw or mistake made, then take the single most altruistic and noble thing he has ever done in his life and twist it into a mockery of what it was and use it against him like a whip or cattle prod to further his torment and suffering, then wonder why he’s not so much fun to play with? “You are nothing like you used to be!”

I’m lucky to still be alive! Wait, no… check that. Perhaps it is true - but it’s not by good luck delivered. So whenever your through with your playtime, would you mind putting your quarry out of his misery. I offered myself as a sacrifice already with no takers… I guess you must still be entertained.