#implicit antisemitism

This post is a work in progress. I will repost it and add things, change things and adapt ideas as I learn more about Judaism and myself. Articulating with language why I want to be Jewish has been so challenging for me. It’s a visceral feeling that I can’t ignore but I have no words for it.

I had a negative experience with a rabbi around Sukkot. I was invited to dinner at their home to experience Shabbat in a sukkah. One of the two rabbis there casually asked me why I’m choosing to convert to Judaism and I struggled to answer him because I was completely unprepared for this question. I said “It’s hard to explain. I’ve been in the Judaic Studies program at university and that led me to explore Judaism on a more on a personal level. I have very specific ways of understanding God and I’ve been trying to find a spiritual home for those concepts and I think I’ve found that in Judaism.”

Ture to form (I’m a classic reassurance seeker when I need to feel less anxious about something), I pressed my husband after we got home and asked him how what I said sounded. To my horror, he said that it wasn’t great and that it sounded like I just heard about Judaism in college and then decided to be Jewish.  He said it sounded flippant and not representative of my actual reasons for converting and he was right.

That was months ago and I still feel here. If someone today were to ask me why I would say the same thing. It’s the only tangible, linguistically representable concept that I have to explain what led me to this choice.  When I tell people I’m converting it’s so understandable for their first question to be “Why?” But they don’t realize that they’re asking me something so deep. There is no genuine casual answer and my genuine answer would not be appropriate to address in a casual conversation. And when I’ve been asked I try to give them something that I don’t even have for myself - a way to say with words how I feel about Judaism.

I was with a friend at a coffee shop a while ago and I told them that I’m converting to Judaism. I thought I was setting myself up for success because it was an environment where he and I could really talk about why and what that means to me but he didn’t ask, at least not then. He asked me why while we were on our way out, standing at the counter waiting for our to-go orders. And I was put right back where I was at Sukkot. I ended up giving him the same panicked answer.

This is becoming really important for me to figure out. I’m going to tell my family that I’m converting the next opportunity I have to bring it up organically. I don’t see them often and we’re going home during Christmas so this might be the time. These conversations are going to be really challenging. They will not understand, they might be angry, I will probably be criticized and shamed for my decision. I will be met with not only “Why are you converting to Judaism?” but “Why in the world would you want to convert to Judaism?” I need to be prepared to defend and articulate myself against the initial push back.