#imacoolcat

I was overwhelmed with how the dreams and ideas of a girl I once was, were nestled under crossed arms and a furrowed brow; who’s one job was to deter my pressing eyes and begging lips. 

I thought of how the words I had so badly needed from him were perched on a determined tongue, imprisoned by stubborn lips; like a raging tiger and an electrical fence. 

His eyes feigned indifference, but I found the tension in the ends of his fingers; burrowing into the skin of his arms, begging to reach out, whether to caress or strike, I guess I’ll never know; those held the truth. 

For the tips of his fingers were chewed up like barbed wire, waiting to assail anyone who dared to try and climb his walls. They whispered stories of sleepless nights, where maybe, just maybe, he had reached out for me, only to find loneliness and resentment in contours of the bed that once held a warm, sleeping body. 

A body that had loved him. 

We weren’t opposites, he and I. We were polar ends of the same magnet, always trying to pull together, but nonetheless, pushing apart. 

Loving each other was the greatest mistake we ever allowed one another to make. 

Because if maybe, I hadn’t seen the light that glowed in the back of his eyes on nights when he wasn’t digging a hole to hide from the world in, and maybe if he hadn’t felt the skip of my heart when he placed his lips on my skin like that, we could still find comfort in our bodies pressing against each other. 

Time passes, and moments that I had saved in the workings of my restless mind have been dismissed as useless, I won’t grasp for them anymore. 

But on days like today, when fate steps in, and I find him on the street, or in a shop, or in a place coated with memories of a time when he would have placed my hand in his, I remember. When all I can think of is the smell of the nape of his neck, where he caught the spray of cologne most; of the soft raise of the scar on his belly; of the look he used to let linger on my face when he thought I was sleeping, I remember and I can’t help but feel happy.

We really did love each other.