#ilseongdiary

log number 27; 7.3.2020

už som sa rozhodol,

vzdať život,

navštíviť peklo,

kam patrím,

pretože som prázdna schránka,

ktorá ubližuje všetkým naokolo,

ako človek závislý na heroíne,

ktorému nezáleží na ničom inom,

než pocite eufórie,

ktorá po čase pominie,

rovnako ako stála,

stabilná myseľ,

keď stratíš všetko,

seba,

okolie,

log number 23; 3.2.2020

I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped training. I am burnt out; too sad to manage, too depressed and scared, to walk up the school corridors. 

I am done, leaving my body to die. I cant be pretty, however i try; for anyone. 

I am sorry to everyone, I know people hate me because I am me; so I wont bother. 

Sorry mother, 

sorry father, for failing. 

log number 22; 28.1.2020

Feeling like I might pack my shit and leave this goddamn city, once again. Hoseok playing a victim seems typical, as Taehyung told me a lot, about that poor man. He feels like exposing me being a bitch, will ruin me, fix me; whatever he’s thinking. 

In fact, he is only making it worse for himself; yet he doesnt know who posseses the man he is into, right? 

Who calls out “murder him,” and is capable of watching the body rot? 

Who would search for a worthless thing like him? Not even his own friends - as if he had any. 

And even if I have been thinking of making shit with Wendy alright, why would I want it? She just took time from my bed, wasted it and thought I would hop on the train, like a madman. 

Pointless existence, quite much. The chapter is done, I am closing the book; leaving the pages to burn out, as I did, through the many, many years.

log number 26; 12.2.2020

skinny

skin

and bones

losing myself in need to lose weight

to lose

to lose

55

54

53

52

51

50

less

less is more

more is too much

less

less

i dont need anything or anyone

in order to lose myself

i am going to die

and as i do

burn my body to ashes

and fight for my soul

log number 25; 7.2.2020

first line, seeing stars in the corner of my peripheral vision

second line, feeling as if i could touch the stars with my own soul

third line, being the stars, all of them

being billion of the tiny dots on the sky

that everyone loves

looks up at

i wanna be looked up at

log number 24; 6.2.2020

drugs will keep you alive; keep you away from the hunger. the pain, frustration or sadness. they will get you high enough, to touch the sky, sit on the top of the mountains. fly on clouds, with stars or travel through dimensions.

i dont know where i am anymore, everyone.

i dont know why do i keep writing shit on those white pages i overdose on; feels like cocain, when i turn them around, the pillows of my fingers feeling the beautiful euphoria of silk. feels like i could die from happiness, as i read the “are you sure you are okay? i am worried,” off the phone screen.

such a mediocre words, yet they give me a tiny bit of hope; she wont even know that i feel myself go under, because the weight of it's like hands around my neck.

los angeles is so pretty, so pretty to die in.

56 kilograms and i am going down.

log number 21; 15.12.2019

Joy doesnt like me! Ten hates me! Taehyungs wants me to fucking die!

Jeongguk is the cutest little-big guy in the whole world! Wendy loves me very much! We almost fucked on the prom!

Thing are! Neutral!

I am!