#ilovesmoking

Every single time I sit down to smoke,  I’m pissed off.  I’m mad for so many reasons and on so many levels I feel I need to process it…by blogging:/  It’s the only thing that I could think of that “might” work.  You see I, like every other smoker I know, wants to quit.  Here’s the rub, I love it! Do you see the conflict here? It’s the thing that I know FOR SURE will probably be my demise if I don’t get a handle on it, yet I have a love affair with it that I can only truly explain to smokers and 2 out of my 3 brothers.  Because they , like I, grew up in a house full of smoke.  Ashtrays overflowing with the lovely aroma of tobacco burning, sometimes not even all the way out before the next one is stoked.  It has become, I’m sure you will gasp, go ahead…a comfort smell, a reminder of a childhood gone by where I was free of responsibilities and cancer. A time when, if found when left burning, I would secretly take a pull off a slowly charring Tareyton or Virginia Slims. Why not? The grown-ups were doing it…and so was every character on every show and movie that I watched …that were mostly too mature for me anyway…but who knew? There were no ratings on television either.  I saw these role models show me that THIS is the way to unwind and really get a minute.  Now I need a new way.  I’m writing this for 2 reasons 1. I WANT TO QUIT and take responsibility for my own addiction  2. Hear from other people who secretly suffer the way I do with the inner conflict that comes with being a smoker.

Let me get one thing straight, I am not a full time smoker, at least I don’t think I am, maybe I’m in denial about that too…not sure…  I smoke bout 2-3 cigarettes a day.  There, I said it. Phew! That feels better…

I spend most of the time while smoking thinking about what a horrible person I am and I know that even this thinking can be detrimental to me, dammit it just gets worse!  I have tried on multiple occasions to quit and I have failed miserably.  This is the one thing about my personal choices that I do not have a handle on.