From this bruised shipper heart....
There are times ... Quite often mind you... That I wish I didn't CARE. That I wish I could just change the channel and move on to the next TV show piling up eps in my DVR. But I can't. Not with this show. Not with this couple. I have an unhealthy attachment/obsession/love for this pairing. I can freely admit that. I know that when a fictional television show leaves me depressed and weepy all week that I probably need to talk to someone about my issues. But here's the thing.... I feel like I can't. The whole reason I joined this fandom was so that I could find others with my level of CS obsession and be able to TALK about it with them. I have several friends in real life who watch the show and love it and even like CS, but their level of enjoyment does not even begin to meet my needs in my shipping addiction. That's why I joined here. And Twitter. But lately, I feel very alone with my shipper fandom feelings. I seem to be the only one struggling with the story right now. I left "Devil's Due" so depressed and disillusioned. The CS reunion was not what I had hoped for and there was a general feeling of foreboding I thought. Hook did not act like a man who had just been rescued by the love of his life. While nothing was obviously "wrong",... It still felt "off". And I've been sick about it all week. Literally.. sick. I am in love with this "ship". There's no two-ways about it. I'm euphoria-flying-happy when THEY are happy and I'm bottom-of-the-pit-of-despair-devastated when they are not. And I do mean devastated. I have hardly slept this week. That's how distraught I've been since Sunday night. I hate when they are at odds. (I couldn't even watch the DarkHook eps until almost a month later.) I am so emotionally wrapped up in these two characters and I really wish I wasn't. TRULY. Tonight's new angsty promo has my stomach in knots and tears in my eyes. I am just so tired of the angst!! I miss happy, hand-holding, eye-gazing, sweet and tender CS. I need it back like I need air to breath. Now, I don't shy away from spoilers so I have a pretty good idea of how things will eventually work out, but to be honest,... At the moment... it's not enough. I don't want to WATCH Emma & Killian fight anymore. I don't care that it will all be ok in the end, I still can't stomach it. And I feel like I'm alone in this. I miss the Killian who was a "love-sick puppy". I miss the man who lived and breathed for Emma. I miss the way he used to LOOK at her. God, I miss that. The rest of my shipmates (bless you all) seem excited for this episode. They are basking in the angst while I feel like I am drowning. I keep trying to "hype" myself up for this but I just can't seem to muster the ability to do it. I don't know why I am saying all of this. I think because I have so few followers that this is a safe place for me to vent. This is for me only. I just needed to get it all off my chest. Im hoping it will help me feel better. I'm usually pretty positive. But for some reason, I am struggling right now. I wish that I could stop watching sometimes. Or that I could just turn my CS shipper-switch to "off" so that I could just watch without the emotional connection. I've tried. It doesn't work. I'm just dreading Sunday night. Thanks for listening. (All two of you. 😉)
