#ilovedher

regret not saying it to you that day

i regret not telling you how i realized it

when i saw how the sunlight hit your face

as you turned it to beckon me to your side

pointing out the rainbows in the water

i regret not telling you how

i play the scene of me leading you to the woods in my mind

over and over and over

you gripping my hand and my shoulder 

(or did i just imagine that)

as we stumbled down the hill and across

the body of a baby deer

desiccated and eaten

left to bake in the sun

though none would come back to eat it

i regret not telling you i loved you

not that that would have made you say it back

and even if sometimes i wish i had said nothing at all

even if i wonder at night that if i had said nothing

would we have ended up kissing in your car

just like your aunt predicted

or would it have still turned out the same

you telling her you loved her

right in front of me

as i tried to hold myself together

something as futile as trying to bring that baby deer back

as trying to mend its bones

and breathe life into it again

if i had told you i loved you

would the baby deer have lived

or would it still be out there

They say if you repeat something too many times that it begins to loose its meaning. 

I wonder if that’s what happened to us

See, you said I love you so many times that it began to sound weird in your mouth. 

All the curves and rhythmic beats of the phrase soon became shards of glass in your mouth that awaited their turn to stab you every time you let the words slip out of your mouth. 

It lost its meaning when you began saying it to shut me up. When I was talking about my day you would say, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you” just so you didn’t have to hear me complain about my coworkers one more time. but every time you did that i would stop, pause for a second and I would say it back, but see the thing is all of mine sounded different. All of mine had a different meaning. 

I love you because you're handsome and don’t know it

I love you because you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning 

I love you because you have the audacity to make everything around you beautiful even when it tries so hard to be hungry

I love you because you let me eat chips in your bed

I love you because every time you speak you introduce me to a new spectacular symphony 

I love you because you don’t love yourself

But darling, my love couldn't seen to keep us together. so when you left me alone at a library on a Thursday night all I could do is say I love you until the phrase became bullets that shot holes in every memory I cherished.