#illneverwalkalone

Zoey still visits me in my dreams. She still comes to check up on me. Sometimes it’s before a stressful event in my life, and sometimes it’s after a particularly rough day. It’s sporadic and never as often as I’d like.  

Some days I wake up feeling more refreshed, but some I wake up feeling groggy and just wanting to back into the dream, back to my fluffy dog, back to my Zoey. For a while Zoey didn’t visit, maybe it would have been just too hard for us, but now, now it’s right.  

Last night Miss Zoey came to visit me. She came to cuddle and run and she reminded me of grand joy and of great loss. I still woke up with a whole in my heart, a whole a little more painful than the day before. But her presence was so welcome. It was so needed. 

A day full of love. Facebook memories was filled with a variety of pictures from my sweet girl Zoey. I had a wonderful day celebrating with the most amazing guy and my other lovebug, Sammy. 

But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that was missing and hurting.I caught myself looking at my foot (i.e. my tattoo)  a little more than usual yesterday  I missed my Zoey. I know it sounds weird, Valentine’s Day without your dog. I’ve only spent 1 other Valentine’s Day with a guy (not including this year), the rest have all been with Zoey. 

Zoey taught me a lot about love. She taught me that love means cuddles at the end of a long day. Love means big kisses every time you are reunited. Love means taking the time for one another (and reminding someone when they need to do so **cough dropping a toy at my feet cough**). 

Love means going on adventures. Love means forgiving loud and harsh words and remembering that we all have our moments and that tomorrow is a new day. Love means that we all make mistakes and deserve a second chance. 

Love with Zoey is a love that will never be replicated. My love for Sammy is just as deep as my love for Zoey, but it’s still different. Zoey has this place in my heart that no individual nor furry creature could ever take. 

My Valentine’s Day was great, don’t get me wrong. I felt so loved and so appreciated and I am so blessed to have people (and furry creatures) doing so. But my heart still ached for a certain black fluffball. 

This is Sammy :) This little ball of fur has quickly wiggled her way into my heart. I’ve learned a lot about love and loss in the last few weeks because of one adorable miniature schnauzer.  

First a little bit about Sammy:  She came into my life because her owner’s couldn’t pay for a surgery that was necessary to save her life. My boss was able to get the owners to relinquish her to the clinic and when I saw her, well she was coming home with me :) She’s a total cuddle bug (right now we’re snuggled up together as I write this) and she just wants to be be loved. Sammy is also proving to be a great hiking and camping buddy :) he is potty trained and loves her crate, but doesn’t know any basic commands (so we’re working on that). New people are awesome and her manners when meeting new dogs are getting much better.

I have really enjoyed having a furry body to love, to take of, to be responsible for. Yes, having a dog does requires extra work, but it’s extra work that brings me a joy that I can’t fully convey.  

Sammy hasn’t decreased the pain associated with loosing Zoey. It has certainly alleviated the pain of having an empty house and missing something to take care of. I still have moments where I look at a picture of Zoey and feel this deep, aching pain. It’s not acute like it used to be, but rather this deep aching that I don’t know will ever go away. But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be . Maybe that’s okay, how it’s supposed to be when you loose a best friend. 

I was talking to my aunt and she said something so wise: “It’s amazing how you can love another animal just as deeply and fully, but differently”. I don’t think I fully realized the gravity and truth to this statement until I talked to my mom about it later. Sammy is going to be (already is) a different love. Sammy can go hiking and camping, which I couldn’t do with Zoey. She has a different personality, a different pace of life. There are also things that are similar between Zoey and Sammy, their love to cuddle and ability to cheer me up are a few of the similarities. I can’t decide if the similarities or differences are harder. It’s different and different is good, different is okay. I’ve really been trying to embrace that recently. I think one of the hardest things is that Sammy and boyfriend are best buddies (that’s not the hard part, that’s a great part), but it’s something that Zoey didn’t have. My boyfriend and I got more serious in part because of Zoey’s death. He met her, but didn’t get to love her in the way that he is loving on Sammy. I have to remember that different is just fine. 

Sammy and I have a different love than Zoey and I did. It can be just as deep and full as my love with Zoey, but it will be different. different is okay, in fact different is good. 

I’d be lying if I said that there weren’t moments where I wished it was Zoey coming running around the corner instead of Sammy. Initially I feel guilty, but then I look at my tattoo and remember that Zoey has been set free to run and jump and play and hike in the mountains (if that’s what she so desires) and that she helped bring me this new ball of fur. Zoey will always be with me, I know that and smile a little bigger because I now have a Sammy to love as well. 

I still talk about Zoey, still tell funny stories or little quirks about her, even talk about her death. Euthanasia’s are still harder at work. I know that they will never be the same again. Sometimes I get jealous, because some people get the luxury to say “good-bye”. The other day a client was talking about her last day and how beautiful it was and I had to walk out near the end of the conversation (the doctor was also there so I promise I wasn’t overly rude) because I thought I was going to cry. The perfect last day that I wanted for my sweet baby girl is gone. I’m still working on letting that go.  Then the other day I heard the story of a client that had a traumatic end to their dog’s life and a lot of the memories and pain associated with Zoey’s death came back. I still vividly remember those awful couple hours. But I also still vividly remember her love. And that is what I try to hold onto. 

I can now relate to clients in an entirely new way. I try to use the words that did give me comfort on and following Zoey’s death, try to remember the pain and use that to relate to others.  And while that’s in a more painful way I have to believe that one day what I went through will help someone in an impossibly painful situation. This I truly believe.

I will always miss Zoey, always. She has a piece of my heart and will forever be with me. I am so thankful for this new ball of fur. I am so excited for this new lov e.