#ilence

Im going back.

Back to being a complete nothing.

It is much more comfortable, I must admit.

To have nothing.

To be nothing.

To be part of the scenery.

To blend in.

To be silence, once again.

  I feel as if I am trying to escape.

Escape from people.

And I am.

Nobody around me is what I like.

She was, but things are not the same anymore.

I am being selfish with the world.

But I do not care.

I need this time for myself.

  I never talked to anyone.

I never "texted" anybody.

Only her.

She was reasons for many things.

Time and distance flirted with our lives.

How close we were in years before meeting.

The same school.

The same places.

The same friends.

But we never saw each other.

The time and distance brought us together also.

The same place.

The same friends.

The same school.

The same moon.

The same sky.

The same everything.

And it will be time and distance that will take everything back.

The way it was before.

If life is a cycle then time and distance will do its thing.

It will toy with our lives once again.

And I will be happy with it.

  But for some time now.

I have become solitary.

I have grown used to it once again.

To the same mind-numbing activities.

That make me forget about my state.

About the loneliness.

About the moon.

The stars.

The beauty.

Everything.

  I will find a temporary passion this semester.

My first few classes at a far away place that scares me.

At a far away place where I feel a sense of depair and utter lunacy.

I have to find peace amongst the chaos.

I have to become one again; for myself, to help others.

I have to become selfish to become selfless.

  I look at people and I laugh at them.

I laugh at their "problems".

They are nothing compared to what others have been through.

We drown in puddles.

So that we may be saved.

So that we can feel.

If only we knew the vast oceans in which many lie at the bottom, forgotten and uncared for.

I know I have been lucky.

I have not hit the bottom.

I have struggled but I have not gone down.

I have been fortunate.

  I find joy in nothing or nobody around me.

It is not depression, I think?

I have felt worse before.

I feel numb again.

I feel the ice taking over what once burned with great passion.

I no longer write like I used to.

I cannot rhyme.

I cannot feel personal with anything anymore.

I simply write from a far away perspective.

Unaware of the hidden, underlying truths.

And it is okay.

Everyone needs a vacation because we burnout.

  People are interested in me.

They want to talk to me.

They want to "hang out" with me.

But I simply say "No".

Like I used to.

I am secluding myself.

This is self-exile.

This is solitude.

This is for me.

This is ultimately for others.

  Because I am dangerous.

Because I wish to hurt nobody.

Because I am responsible.

Because I am NOT ready to grow up.

  The man who let us have the party at his house.

Told me:

"David, you are the most chilled,

laid-back person I have EVER met,

man. And you take some alcohol,

heavily."

And somewhere along the lines.

He screamed and I listened.

He said, "I wish I had never grown up"

I wish to have stayed young.

I wish my life were as easy as yours, man.

And I repeated what he didnt say.

And he looked at me.

And laughed and yelled.

"I never wanted to grow up!"

"I dont want to grow up!" As he ran up the stairs filled with joy.

  This is why I will stop running.

This is why I will stop trying to become older.

Because once it starts, it never stops.

Because I am NOT ready for the consequences.

Because I have lived so little.

Because I have not hit rock-bottom.

And I havent because I have not been ready to "jump in the fire".

I am thankful for that.

  I dont want to "fuck"

I dont want to "date around"

I dont want to "flirt"

I want to come to understand myself a lot more.

I want to become stronger.

I want to be me.

To become better.

A good friend.

A good lover.

A good man.

A good father.

But.

I am not ready for the everything.

  So if you see me.

And I do not talk.

Do not get offended.

Thank me.

For not being part of the problem.

For trying to find a solution.

For taking myself out of the equation.

For doing this for us:

Humanity.

  They tell me with their eyes and bodies.

"Lets talk"

"Make a move"

But I say with distance and silence.

"No"

  Take your time my friends.

Enrich yourself to enrich the world.

Help yourself to help others.

Life is beautiful isnt it?

  I remember:

"Maybe we are all connected by thought?

Our conscience is the thoughts of others, the good,

the bad, and ourselves. "

I know you are intelligent and beautiful, naturally.

Because that one night you spoke to me, to the eternal me.

Our souls found each other and embraced.

I had never heard something like you said.

I understood the truth in those words.

YOU are much more than what you believe to be.

You are naturally beautiful.

You are naturally intelligent.

You are naturally love.

You have a purpose.

Do not give up.

On this ONE fight.

On YOUR life.