#ihatesquirrels

There are squirrels in the attic,

or maybe they are mice,

I don’t what the hell they are

but they aren’t very nice.

They wake me up each morning,

and sometimes late at night,

and when they scratch and claw the walls

it gives my dog a fright.

And so I pound upon them,

banging with my fist;

they’ll stop their chatter for a bit

but still not get the gist.

And so I got some mousetraps

and poison sure and strong;

I thought that I would kill them all

but I was very wrong.

And so I blasted music,

some heavy metal tunes,

and let it play all morning long

into the afternoon.

The only thing I managed

was to make the neighbors mad,

so now I really want to kill

those fuckers really bad.

I so I got a flamethrower

and would have torched the house

but then I found the answer

to all problems with a mouse.

I bought myself a cat,

and I put him in the attic,

and just like that, the rodents were

no longer problematic

So when the world irks you

and brings you to the brink,

remember that the fix is often

There is either a ghost in my attic,

tapping and scraping and banging,

waking me in the dead of night, or

a squirrel, and I don’t know which

is worse, because only one of them

requires me crawling up there with