#idkhowtoexplain

It's very complicated, my darling. It's not really you, it's me. I can't get myself to let go and be vulnerable because I ultimately just can't trust you. And it's not that you particularly shown me that you aren't trustworthy, that's where the "me" part comes in. I am sorry that I don't know how to be soft and just say I'm scared of losing us. I don't know how to tell you that all I want to hear, possibly a million times, is that you'll be here for me always. Until I magically just somehow trust that you mean it. I only know how to shut the world out, to tell people how disposable they are. I only know how to keep everyone at arms length away. I don't know how I got here. But I love you, I really do. I've never really wanted to keep anyone so badly. I've never wanted to stake so much of my life to yours. I've never cared so much. And I know, I've said things that really hurt. I can't even say they aren't true and that I take them back. I don't know how to stop reminding you how disposable you are. I don't know how to just let us get close. If I feel like you are becoming too a part of my personal life I always get so mean. I can't stop. It's like a reflex. I'm so sorry.